Post # 1
hey fellow bees out there,
i’ll start with apologizing for a very long rant. need venting, as i don’t have any friends to discuss this with – i am the only childless one among my friends.
me and my partner have been trying for a year and so far nothing has happened. i’m not surprised, i’m 36 going on 37 and all my adult life i’ve always suspected i would have a hard time getting pregnant. until now it hasn’t been a big concern. i didn’t meet the right guy until later in life. i’ve never been pregnant by mistake or planned. i’ve never really felt any urge to start a family and have my own children… until now.
and now i know i would love to have a child with this man. we are each others soulmates, we love our in-laws, we got great jobs, no debts, financially secure, shared hobbies, own house near beach, we’ve traveled the world, living healthy – everything in my life has turned out so much better than i thought. yes, i’d say it would be perfect… if only we could have a child.
now, for every failed month my hopes are starting to die little by little and i’m starting to come to terms with the fact that we may never be able to concieve naturally. for me personally, i don’t think i would have the mental strengh to go down the IVF path. i’m afraid to get disappointed, afraid it would eat me up. i also feel surrogate, donor, and adoption isn’t my thing.
i realise i have very good life as it is now, and yes, i do believe that i could continue to be happy and feel blessed even without children. though its a grief to think of the possibility of a childless future. i know some will think that 1 year of trying isn’t much really and that it might take 2 or 3 years. however, i think i’m just starting to sort of mentally preparing myself for not being able to concieve.
i’m wondering how you fellow bees in similar situation feel about it? how do you reason with yourselves to come to terms with the prospect of a life without children?
Post # 3
@HoneyFriedChicken: I’d rather try the IVF route than do nothing at all. Many of my friends have had success with various forms of fertility treatments and there’s nothing wrong with it. It seems to almost be the norm nowadays.
Post # 4
@HoneyFriedChicken: Firstly, I just want to say that I’m sorry to hear about your struggles to conceive so far. I’m not at the 1 year mark myself yet, but even my shorter time trying has been emotionally trying and so I can imagine that it’s been very tough. You said that you have suspected that you would have troubles though I’m not sure if there is something specific that gave you that inclination. There are many many ladies here on the bee who are currently trying for 1+ year and many many ladies who tried for 1+ years and have conceived and/or delivered happy healthy babies. I guess that’s to say don’t give up hope. For some it just takes a little bit longer. Also, I don’t know what trying has entailed for you, but there are many other paths to conceive that aren’t ivf. I’m not sure if you have already gone down those routes but if you haven’t those may be other options before you have to make the decision of whether or not to pursue ivf. Anyway, it seems that you are somewhat new here, and I just want to say that the support of the ladies on this site has been incredible and I hope that you are able to find similar supports here and elsewhere on your journey. Best of luck to you, I hope it happens really soon.
Post # 5
@HoneyFriedChicken: what has trying entailed for you? Have you been using ovulation predictors or charting your temp?
I’m 38 and just stopped birth control today So I’m in kind of the same boat as you are. There are lots of things you can do to maximize your timing of BD.
I would also recommend seeing your doctor. Mine wants to see me in 3 months if I haven’t ovulated so that he can put me on a stimulant to help with that.
And my last bit of advice, this board is amazing and the ladies here are soooo knowledgable. Use them and their wisdom!
Post # 6
At the one year mark, I know you must be so frustrated, but don’t give up hope. It can still happen for you. We were married and did nothing to prevent conception for 4 years before I got pregnant, and then suddenly there was a positive pregnancy test even though we’d been told that wouldn’t happen without medical intervention. We had already decided at that point that if we never had kids, we were okay with that. We’d known several couples who’d been on the roller coaster of trying to conceive and spending a fortune and being emotionally devastated every month when it didn’t work, and we felt that, for us, we would prefer to be childless than to go through that. (Also, if I had a dollar for every time someone told us that the “reason” we finally conceived was because we “relaxed” about getting pregnant, I would be rich, and they were wrong every time. We were never actually stressed about it!)
Post # 7
@HoneyFriedChicken: Have you seen a doctor? There are several (covered by insurance) steps between naturally and IVF. The problem may be you, it may be him, and more often than not it can be fixed easily.
Post # 8
There are benefits and drawbacks to every outcome. You can both keep having a perfect life, even if you don’t have a kid. Don’t assume having a kid would result in a great outcome. Think of all the rapists, murderers, psychopaths etc. They were all babies once and have parents. I know a woman who has a 12 year old autistic son who is in diapers despite years and years of expensive therapy. He throws tantrums and screams and cries and it’s destroyed her marriage. Just be grateful for what you do have and don’t assume your life would be better if you could get pregnant. It may not turn out to be as wonderful as you expected.
Post # 9
@HoneyFriedChicken: I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I understand and sympathize with your struggles. My husband and I tried for 3.5 years. I was 25 when we started so I thought everything would be ok. We went through all the testing possible which got quite invasive at times. Month after month I got deflated. We went through 10 cycles of clomid, 2 failed IUIs and then got pregnant. And then we lost it. I gave up hope and we started the conversation of being ok being childless. We finally decided to put everything we could into one round of IVF. And 1 month before starting we got pregnant. Totally naturally. I’m almost 16 weeks. This baby is our little miracle. Please don’t give up! I’m not going to tell you everything is going to be ok because I hated hearing that. But try not to give up hope! it
Post # 10
@HoneyFriedChicken: I’m at nearly 3 years of trying now. I know how tough it is. Have you done any testing – HSG, sperm analysis, hormone levels, vitamin d/b12/folate levels? Do you chart? Have you looked into seeing an RE?
As others have said, there are many varying levels between trying naturally and IVF. Seeing an RE doesn’t mean that you HAVE to go the IVF route.
Post # 11
thanks everyone for replying! i really appreciate all your input and encouraging comments.
here is my gyn background:
when i was around 25 i started having longer cycles (35-45 days) and spottings midcycle. i was thoroughly exmined by my ob/gyn, she told me she could see lots of little eggsacks in my ovaries with UL, thus she diagnosed me with PCO. had pap smears and others tests that all came back normal so the spottings were concluded to be ovulation spotting.
never thought much again on the PCO, until recent TTC. have heard that meds to stimulate ovulation could help when TTC and PCO. so 2 months ago i went to ob/gyn again. this time another dr as i have moved to another city. this dr told me i didn’t have PCO, the ovaries looked normal, she could see one egg maturing and told me i’d likely be ovulating 4-5 days later. she did however tell me i had 2 small myomas, 2×2 in size, which were sitting on the outer layer of my uterus and shouldn’t be a reason for infertility.
this ob/gyn said she wouldn’t prescribe me any meds to stimulate ovulation as she concluded i didn’t have PCO.
i still have a bit irregular cycles, varying between 26-40 days this last year. only last month i tried ovulation test strips, and we did it twice a day on the day of positive result and the following 3 days. normally 4-5 times a week, every week this last year so this failure to concieve couldn’t be due to lack of activity!! (sorry for all the intimate details).
@Glasgowbound: did your dr say how he would be able to see if you have ovulated or not? i wouldn’t mind trying a round of pergotime (or similar) though it seems my current ob/gyn is unwilling to prescribe it to me.
Post # 12
@hidingmyface: i guess thats a good way to convince yourself ending up childless is not so bad after all… =)
just curious, was this your strategy to come to terms with not being able to concieve?
i know having children is not just sheer happiness, it can also be hard work bringing them up. with slight shame, i admit i probably was the cause for more than a few hairs on my parents turning grey.
and my wish to have a child is not only to see it grow up into a responsible and successful individual to do good for all mankind. its just as much for my own selfishness, i want to experience this everyday miracle myself, to create life and see my partner and me reflected in this creation. i long to snuggle with MY little baby, enjoy family life, organize play dates etc….and experience that unconditional love between parent and child.
i don’t want to miss out.
Post # 13
@calgarymommy2b: congratulations =) i’m happy you and your partner are finally pregnant after all your struggle. yes, you are right it’s important to keep ones hopes alive. and i intend on doing that as long as i can – and at the same time stay happy and grateful for everythng i do have in life. one of my fears is that eventually ending up childless will cause me to feel bitterness and i would hate that.
Post # 14
I would try and find a fertility specialist or at a minimum an OB/GYN who is more proactive. While you’ve only been using OPKs for a few months, you’ve still been actively trying for a year and qualify to be seen by a RE. Like PPs said, there are many things that can be done before going to IVF, including monitored cycles and IUI. Sounds like with your irregular cycle, you could benefit from charting (monitoring your morning temperatures, ovulation signs, and cervical fluid). I’d highly recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”. It clearly explains the charting process, different fertility issues, etc. It’s definitely not time to give up yet!
Post # 15
@HoneyFriedChicken: that’s why he’s having me chart my temperatures in the morning. It’s the only way to know if I’m actually ovulating. I would strongly suggest starting to read Taking Charge of your Fertility, charting and then showing that to your doctor after a few months. I am 38 though so he doesn’t want me to wait to long before seeking help if I need it.
Id also suggest seeing another doctor. You’ve had one who said PCO and one who said its not PCO. You denied a third opinion to see what’s going on.
Post # 16
@Glasgowbound: <—- definitely agree with her! I’d get a 3rd opinion too.
@HoneyFriedChicken: When either dr diagnosed you, did they use any other tests besides scans? For me, I have PCOS and it was determined by not only an u/s (showed I had a string of pearl like bunch of cysts at the beginning), but I also have unwanted facial hair growth, weight that was extremely hard to lose around my middle, high testosterone, and was insulin resistant. I’m wondering if either dr has tested you for the testosterone and insulin resistance? I’ve got my PCOS managed right now, and because of that, I have regular cycles (between 30-33 days) and ovulate on my own consistently. I guess my point is that I would definitely get a 2nd opinion if these things haven’t been tested. It’s certainly possible that all you had was PCO, but with the irregular cycles (that’s about what my cycles were like before BC and before all of my work to manage my PCOS), and the cysts that had been in your ovaries before, it could be PCOS. You can have PCOS and not have cysts (and on the other hand you can have cysts and not have PCOS).
2nd thing is that if you aren’t getting enough vitamin D (and there is at least one gene that can very much have a hand in how much benefit you get from sun), that can also effect your cycles as well as fertility. I was borderline D deficient when tested 2 years ago and still today I’m taking 10000 IU’s 4x’s a week to maintain a healthy level!
3rd thing – I’d highly recommend charting in addition to OPK’s. OPK’s will only detect a surge and sometimes that can happen several times in a cycle and not always does it actually lead to ovulation. Temping in addition to OPK’s will let you know if your body temp is rising in accordance to the surges and staying up (sign that you did actually ovulate) or if they are rising slightly and then dropping again after a day or maybe 2 (sign that your body is gearing up but not following through).