- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
No, this is not necessarily a post about TTCing, the when/where or how of it. This is a post about something a bit more emotional…something that will probably be impossible to put into words, both for me and for you (if you choose to reply!).
So, my DH and I are officially TTCing, and fingers crossed, all goes well – or, should I say, relatively ‘easy’. We are excited. We have always planned (as soon as we established the forever and ever part) to have a family. The time has come, and I am FREAKING OUT.
Ok, freaking out is probably a bit more exaggerated than my actual feelings, but I digress because I have anxiety. And, I know most momma-to-be’s DO about pregnancy, labor, how the heck you raise a child, and how things will change within your marriage, etc. I am obviously not exempt from those anxieties, but that is not what has me in emotional ‘turmoil’.
What has me most anxious is the fact that I cannot comprehend the feelings that ‘should’ or do happen between a mother and their child, or a parent and their child. That instant feeling of love, of staring at them non-stop, of missing them to the point you are checking on them every two minutes when you are gone, of crying when you leave them at daycare, or with grandma, or whatever….essentially of giving yourself completely to YOUR child. Does it just happen? Does it take time?? Does it sometimes NOT happen for everyone??
In writing this down, I feel as if some will think I am a monster, or will be an unfit mother, and at the same time, I wonder if because I think this, if I am actually a monster or an unfit mother. However, I have experience with children, as an Aunt – and I do love them completely. Obviously, it is a very different kind of love than that of a Mother.
I know being a Mom does not mean you give up you, or your time, or your entire life as you know it, but it obviously changes it drastically, and I worry that I will resent this tiny human, or rather not have that ‘instant connection’ that everyone swears happens the moment you set on eyes on your baby. That unconditional instinct as a Mother – the patience, the joy. I have anxiety that out of all my friends whom have openly admitted the HARDSHIPS motherhood does and will create, who have also openly admitted to loving every moment (for its good, its bad, and its sometimes ugly)- that I will be the one that does not ‘get it’, or it does not ‘click with’, or I guess have postpartum depression, which is so real and so incredibly scary.
AM I CRAZY?! Share some words of wisdom, and please be as kind as possible 🙂
Thanks ladies for reading!!