(Closed) TTC and relationship issues

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@deepintrouble:  I am so sorry. I wish I could come over there and give you a big hug!!

I really am not sure what to say. It seems like you both are really frustrated over this baby making thing. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t his fault… it would be great if you could both just take a time out.

You don’t want to bring a baby into a fighting home. If you suddenly get pregnant it doesn’t seem like it will fix all the underlying issues.

Is it possible to go to counselling?? That might help. I wish I had something better to suggest 🙁

Post # 4
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I, too, have been TTC since Jaunary with no luck.  I understand how disappointing and frustrating it is each time AF makes an appearance, or each time a friend/family member/coworker/complete stranger announces they are pregnant.

But it is NOT okay for him to take his feelings out on you they way he’s doing, if indeed that’s what’s happening.  I agree with the PP that you need to get some counseling so he can learn to express his feelings in a more productive manner.  Perhaps he’s feeling like less of a man because he hasn’t gotten you pregnant.  Him getting you pregnant may make him happy about that, but what about when he’s frustrated that you’re tired or feeling sick all the time?  Or when you are emotional and your back is killing you?  Or when you have a newborn who is keeping you both up half the night?  A baby is not going to magically make all this stress go away; if anything it will add to it.

I would consider taking a short break from TTC and get some counseling, then trying again after getting the all-clear from your doctor after the surgery IF some progress has been made with resolving these other issues.  Right now, this doesn’t sound like a healthy environment to bring a baby into.

Post # 5
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly some of what he has said is not okay to say to someone especially a wife. However anger can sometimes get the better of all of us. Him saying he doesn’t know how to be a better husband and you not being about to explain it really feels like a call for help. I really recommend you go to marital counseling. My BFF father told me when I was engaged that he thinks EVERYONE should go to counseling BEFORE marriage because its such a big help with communication. Thats without there even being problems- its just like getting a health checkup.

Instead of trying to get pregnant before you have the surgery- why don’t you instead focus on mending your relationship with your husband, just focusing on you two as well as focusing on grieving for your lost family member. Stress alone can stop you from getting pregnant- and it sounds like you have a lot of that right now.

Its okay to call a time out and focus on you two.

Post # 6
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this.  It broke my heart to read this.  I don’t have much advice other than that I agree that counseling might be in order if you don’t have a breakthrough soon where the two of you can live harmoniously through the issues that are going on.  I feel so sad for you because TTC is such a trying process, and it affects many people’s relationships, and it’s just all-around so difficult.  I hope the two of you can figure out a way to be happy together despite the TTC troubles.  Sending huge hugs your way.

Post # 7
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Oh no! I just want to give you a hug!! It sounds like you’re both trying and frustrated. 

I might point out that there is a difference between things that are stressful (trying for a baby, surgery, clutter, finances), and holy crap are they stressful, and do you have a lot of them — and the way that you respond to stress as a couple. 

Getting rid of one or more of the stressful things could help, but new things will take its place. I think you need to talk with your husband about the way you deal with stress, and how to support eachother. It also helps a lot to talk together about what you can control (i.e. clutter — what can he do to help?; finances — do you have a budget?) and what you can’t (i.e. getting pregnant). The key is to do what you can, and find a way to live with the things you can’t change.

Good luck! My heart goes out to you!

Post # 8
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry your feeling that way. Made me really sad for you reading that. As someone who has had to have surgeries for girl issues I know how emotional it can be. I would be heartbroken too if my husband wasn’t supportive during that time. We are just starting the TTC process but can understand how stressful it can be for both involved. But it is def a problem when it is pushing you guys further apart instead of supporting each other. It sounds like you are both just stuck in a rut. I know you don’t want to delay TTC but a solid marriage is more important. Maybe if you tell him you want put TTC on pause until you can work on the root of your problems and imporve your relationship that will be motivation for him to change? Good luck, hang in there!

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