(Closed) TTC break and an argument with DH

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Not at all! You should totally take a break if it is giving you this kind of stress. Your sanity absolutely comes first. I’d still wear the Ava, though (you don’t have to look at the results after syncing and only have to sync every 4-5 days I think) cause it will have to relearn you otherwise. But I’m so sorry that you had this fight- its not fair to you. TTC can take such a toll on people and my DH and I have gotten upset over it more than once- its not fun. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, though, and I know you will get through it. You’re a strong woman, lady!

Post # 3
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

No, you are not being selfish at all! TTC takes a lot out of you, and is incredibly frustrating, isolating, and stressful. DH and I have gotten upset about it too, especially when we were faced with disappointment. Take this time for you, and remind your husband that although you both want this, it is your body that is going through the ringer each month. You have a right to let it rest when it needs to rest. 

Post # 4
Member
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m really sorry bee. I definitely think taking a month off is 100% reasonable and that your husband was completely out of line with what he said to you. I think men just don’t realize the toll that TTC takes on women, especially those who struggle with infertility. I charted for 7 cycles (5 of which were TTC) – which is really not a very long time – and it quickly became all-consuming. Between temping, peeing on OPKs, monitoring CM, taking a dozen supplements every day, never ending TWWs, etc., it just becomes this nonstop slog that consumes your thoughts all the time. And we bear so much of that alone because it’s such mundane shit that we alone have to do all the time, so it’s not like we’re narrating the daily slog to our partners. Plus when you add in infertility treatments, which once again are 99% taken by the woman, I’m sure it just gets a billion times more all-consuming and stressful. 

Anyway, my guess is your husband just doesn’t understand the emotional toll this has taken on you. When I’m having trouble getting through to dh about something that’s been weighing on me, I find it helpful to write out my thoughts and send them to him in an email. When it comes to emotional/tense issues, it’s just easier for me to articulate myself in writing rather than through a face-to-face convo. I’ve done this two or three times in my relationship with dh when we’ve come to an impasse on something, and each time it has been really effective – like he finally gets where I’m coming from and we’re then able to have a calmer, more productive conversation about the issue later on. So that might be something worth trying? 

Your husband is probably also going through stuff that he maybe hasn’t been able to articulate to you. I hope you guys can get on the same page about this soon! Infertility is so hard – it truly does take a toll on both partners, and I think even the strongest marriage would struggle at times with this.

Post # 5
Member
3247 posts
Sugar bee

You’re not crazy. It’s probably healthy to take a break from TTC. It’s an all-consuming process, and it quickly gets exhausting. 

I just hope that when you are pregnant, and don’t feel like having sex for 1.5 weeks that he doesn’t do this. I can guarantee we went more than a week or two between having sex when I was pregnant and postpartum. And I would bet money most people are the same. 

Post # 6
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I agree with you and think it’s a good thing to take a break, but I see where he’s coming from too. Devils advocate here. When trying you were having sex every other day, now that you aren’t ttc, you’re not having sex. So to him you were just and only doing it to get pregnant, kinda just using him. Of course he’s feeling insecure. 

As the woman who has to do the majority of the work, of course it’s hard. But he’s in it too, and may have all kinds of feelings about this. He desperately want a baby with you too, and to him it might feel like you’re starting to give up. Of course I don’t know if this is the case and what’s really going on but it’s a possibility… so don’t be so hard on him and of course you’re not being selfish. I think you just have to try to talk a little more. 

Post # 7
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee

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tulipdazey :  first off, I want to say how sorry I am that this discussion happened and is making you second guess yourself. While I know all this TTC business is ok our hubby’s minds as well, I don’t think it is even near the extent that it is on ours. I will say it has consumed many of my downtime moments where I would have been doing something else….instead, I am analyzing, listening to my body for symptoms, charting, looking at others charting, googling things, waking up and instantly taking my temp, peeing on OPKs and analyzing those, googling some more, posting on here asking what others think about a cycle or symptom, etc. it is so draining and mentally exhausting!!

Maybe continue this conversation when he is not drinking….in a day or two. In the meantime, have a little sexy time and make him feel special or “needed” for a little bit. I can see where he would start to feel insecure, as 

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Mrs.Massontobee : and a few others have mentioned though. It is a lot of work to depend on him being ready to go as well. Cut him a little slack, but also explain in the near future when he’s not had alcohol how much it has affected you as well. 

Post # 8
Member
15529 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow, I’m kinda annoyed just reading that.  Sorry, but I feel like he needs to, I dunno, for lack of better wording, man the fk up and quit being such a over reacting ass.

It’s so easy for him to point at *you* for not tracking and doing all these things to try for one freaking month, but what has HE done during all this time other than having sex to help.  Anything at all?  And if he wanted to have sex, I’m assuming at any point he could have initiated, even if not timed and specifically to try?  I honestly don’t think he understand the emotional toll of *trying* if that is his reaction.  We took many little breaks along the way, I would have been furious of I was accused of not wanting a child during that time when that is all I wanted.  And it aint all just fun and sexy… having sex for th sake of trying isn’t at hot and passionate (at least not for us).  I can’t tell you relived we BOTH were when we could stop tryign to time and “force” BDtime.  Hopefully it’s not a long journey for you, but he seriously needs to get his head out of his ass and start really understanding and working to support you, everything you do, all the decisions you have to make, all the things you have to put your body through during this time.  Yes, he has a part of it too as a potential father, but lets face it… we, as the female go through hell while all they have to do is have sex or jerk off in a cup when asked to. 

Post # 9
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I gotta say I’m inclined to agree with 

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pinkshoes : . I think it’s really unfair to accuse you of not wanting a baby as much or anymore because you took a SINGLE MONTH off. You’re more than a baby-making machine, you’re a person and TTC for a long time is so emotionally draining. Taking a month off is actually a very healthy thing to do, as we all need a break sometimes from things that are stressful or difficult.

The sex thing is a separate issue. If he’s feeling like you only want sex for a baby then maybe that’s something you BOTH can work on (as it means maybe he needs to initiate more, you both need to communicate etc). But I think accusing you of not wanting a baby was really, really hurtful and out of line.

Post # 10
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t think you’re crazy at all. TTC can be so hard on you, both mentally and physically. It’s totally understandable to want a break. It sounds like it has also taken a toll on your husband and he is oversensitive and reacting because of this. I’m not saying it was right for him to say all those things to you. This was really uncalled for. It’s a tough time, especially for you, who has no bear the brunt of it, but it is also confusing and disappointing for him right now. Just remember that you love each other and this is a tricky time. Be in this together, be honest with each other and remind him that you are a team in all this. I would recommend a good talk, and then do something fun together. 

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