(Closed) TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 17
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry about your past and what that must have done to you in so many ways.

My thoughts, for what they’re worth: It sounds like your husband is controlling and very concerned with himself. As a woman who has been through a lot of infertility, I know that 90% of it happens to you, not your spouse. Your body goes through it. My kids are now 23 and 17. My ex never researched the procedures. I endured them all physically and emotionally, but none of it happened to his body. He was a man who controlled people through extremely passive-aggressive and narcisstic behavior. He has made a shitty father, which shouldn’t have surprised me since he was a shitty husband.  Except what I endured as an adult from him was one thing. It absolutely crushes me to see my children, particularly my daughter endure the same treatment.

If your DH’s response to your legitimate concerns as listed above was that you “disrespected him”, I’d want to kick his ass to the curb.

You waited 5 years for a proposal at an age when your clock was already ticking for baby making. Then he got to control the wedding part, too. Then he got to control the SA. You have given him a lot of power. I believe you’re not going to have children with him, and perhaps that’s not the worst thing. He doesn’t sound like awesome dad-material. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

No, you didn’t marry his sperm, but if you both discussed having children prior to marriage and now he’s learned he can’t contribute the necessary goods AND he won’t consider all the good available options, then I believe you now need to decide if you want him as a husband or motherhood without him. It’s tough but not impossible. Good luck to you 🙂 Be strong.

Post # 19
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Even if he’s opposed to some counseling, I think it would be a good place for you to start. He may see you are getting some benefit from it, and it may help you appreciate his side of things as well. If he doesn’t come around and is not supportive, honestly, thats not the type of man you want to raise a child with. This cannot be a one sided effort. I think you both need to “hear” each other though. I would take the child discussion off the table for now, and work with a counselor on other things.

Also I’m really sorry for all you hav gone through, and the challenges ahead. Truly I wish for things to get better for you both. 

Post # 20
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@NicoleLyn1218:  She already said in her first post that her husband is 100% opposed to donor sperm and adoption. That is a major reason why she is considering leaving.

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@jaylinjo:  Personally, I don’t think it is that unreasonable to walk away if he refuses to even give you a chance to fulfill what you have been clear from date 3 is your number one priority. As other bees have said, try to get him into therapy with you. Hopefully his reaction is just initial shock at his fertility issues and realizing what the procedure consists of, and it will wear off soon. It’s a lot for him to take in, but then again, at 37 you don’t have much time to sit around and let him come to terms with things.

If he won’t go to therapy and continues to refuse to try IVF/adoption, then by all means walk and try on your own. I hate to sound hard-hearted about this, but there are always more chances for future romantic relationships, but having children (even adopting) has a definite end date. This is not about throwing over your husband for being potentially infertile, it’s about having fundamentally different goals and priorities to your life partner and him changing the goal posts at the last minute. If he won’t support you in your heart’s desire or even consider compromises or therapy, then he can’t be surprised when you choose to seek it without him.

Post # 21
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@jaylinjo:  While I understand the other ladies’ more empathetic responses to your husband, I understand where you are coming from. My husband will often come out of nowhere with an “absolutely not” on some pretty stupid shit that he eventually changes his mind about (or not, depending). And it annoys me, but the things they are related to are relatively unimportant. If he had done this, with little to no thought and it would stricly impact our chances of having a child though? I’d be absolutely furious, especially after everything you said. This wasn’t him debating the pros and cons, it sounds like he barely even thought about it or what the implications (namely, being childless- as he says he doesn’t want to adopt) if he didn’t have it. While I admit your response wasn’t the best (and you said you know it wasn’t either)- I have to admit- I would have probably said the same. It doesn’t make it right, and it was definitely done in response to his thoughtlessness- but I totally understand. Especially since he thought “it was all your fault.” Just reading that made my blood boil. 

I think this is a mixture of communication and what you two truly want. Sit him down and try to have a fully discussion. It won’t be easy, but find out how much he really wants children. Is it as important to him as it is to you? Is he afraid to? If he’s not open to x, y, and z- does this mean he would rather have nothing? If so, it’s time you make your decision. And while I know, as someone put it “you married him and not his sperm”- this is something incredibly important to you and your life. 

Post # 22
2461 posts
Buzzing bee

@jaylinjo:  I’m sorry i missed the adoption part. I apologize for that and for saying that you were self centered and whatnot.

I still don’t know that I would leave just because of all this though, being that you do love him. But that’s just me. He could be scared to talk to you about what he is feeling, because he doesn’t want to be seen as a weak man or something because he already cannot probably get you pregnant and whatnot. And for some, adopting is something they do not want to do. I’m not going to say anything else because I’ve pushed some buttons and apparently you’ve talked to him enough….so I have no advice.  I know what I would do, but you and I are not the same person….so we have different views.

Post # 23
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jaylinjo: I am so sorry you are going through this. I am honestly a little angry for you. I agree with 

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@MrsRugbee as far as giving him a 3 month deadline to get his sperm re-tested to see if there have been any positive changes and then go from there. Maybe by then, if IVF is still your only option, he will be more open to the idea because he will have had more time to think about it and process it. He really needs to understand though, that he does not have the final say in everything. When you got married, you became a partnership and he needs to meet you in the middle here. Again, I’m so sorry you are going through this and I hope everything works out for the best. *hugs*

Post # 24
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@jaylinjo:  Let me preface my answer to your question by telling you that I typically am outraged by the idea that one person would leave their partner over the kids question or fertility issues. I don’t thing being infertile is the end of the world.

And even I don’t think you’re being too harsh. It sounds like you’ve been patient and put your partners wants/goals ahead of your own quite a bit. He basically tried to take control of this situation without even discussing it with you – basically told you how things were going to be. And when you said no, and how things were going to be for you, he had the nerve to feel disrespected? 

Ideally, things will calm down and the two of you can discuss things more calmly. Maybe he didn’t realize things have reached the limit for you. It also sounds as if he’s been pretty used to calling the shots. 

If this is that important to you, stick to your guns. 

Good luck.

Post # 25
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@jaylinjo:  I think it is completely understandable why you’re upset and why you exploded. It seems almost fraudulent to tell the person that you’re married to that you want kids, and then drag your feet about going to the doctor to see what’s wrong after 5 or 6 years of TTC. Although some of the PP’s say that you’re wrong to consider leaving him, I think that you have to do what is best for you! No matter how high and mighty people may say they would behave in your situation, the truth is, no one really knows how’d they respond until they were actually in a similar situation. Having a child is very important to both my husband and I, and if either of us changed our minds or behaved in a manner that made one of us feel that the other person felt otherwise, there would be some serious issues. Anyway, I think counseling would be great for the both of you, and if he’s not ready then go by yourself. Just remember, you don’t have to settle for anything. Fight for yourself. 🙂

Post # 26
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@jaylinjo:  Your husband needs to realize that you are 37… waiting another year (and then some for once he finally realizes that his sperm count is not strong) significantly lowers your chances of becoming pregnant even more. Women’s reproductive systems have a timelimit… you can’t produce babies forever! I’m so sorry he is being so stubborn.


Post # 27
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Wow, I am impressed by your dedication to becoming a mother. To that end, you seem emotionally and financially ready to become a mother, and I think you should do just that.

It is your husband’s choice if he is going to be a father (biological or otherwise) to your children. Unfortunately, your DH seems to think he has all the veto power in shutting down multiple pathways to parenthood and to me this is extremely selfish and not the way a person should behave in an equal partnership. The time between now and March is long enough for him to decide where he stands and take decisive action on that front.

Hopefully he resolves his apparent feelings of revulsion and/or inadequacy to do what he promised and support you. If not, I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to strike out on your own. Don’t let anyone bully you into terminating your journey to motherhood until YOU are satisfied with the outcome.

Post # 28
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First of all, let me say, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must be so frustrating. I would also like to say that I think it is very brave of you to be willing to be a mom with or without your partner. I can’t imagine my marriage lasting if my husband straight up refused to go the IVF route and if he refused to consider adopting ON TOP OF THAT. I do believe you need to have another calm discussion with him. It seems like there are negative emotions from the past that are bubbling to the surface now, because this could finally be your breaking point with him not considering your feelings.

As for anyone bashing her for considering ending her marriage over this, everyone has a dealbreaker when it comes to relationships. It doesn’t seem like he is willing to meet her halfway on anything child related. He knew full well that she wanted to be a mother when he married her, so for him to back out now, because he doesn’t want to give up a semen sample? It seems like a betrayal to me. 

Post # 29
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@jaylinjo:  you did the right thing, its time to put your foot down and let him put your needs first for once. It’s a sucky situation to be in but the past is the best predictor of the future and if you want change you’re the one who will have to be the one to initiate as you’re the one who was short changed in the past. Since he has been the primary decision maker, lord knows he won’t be the one to give up that power!

Post # 30
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Zhabeego:  +1

The fact that he is so closed up to ALL options makes me think he’s accepted the fact that he won’t be having kids and may be ok with it. He may not realize that himself and maybe can’t verbalize it…but there is a grieving process when you realize you can’t conceive the “regular” way like everyone else. Maybe he’s grieved and he’s over it?

No adoption, no therapy, nothing! How can he be SO closed off to it all? I feel so sad for him. Is this how he is about everything? So decisive and definite? I could never picture my DH doing that and I could not put up with it.

It sounds like being a mother is VERY important to you. Could you move past not being a mom? Could you find other fulfilling ways to make an impact in the life of children/youth? Would you hold it against this man to the point your love for him would dwindle?You have to ask yourself if you will have a happy and fulfilled life with this man. I hate to be dramatic but when you are old and close to death will you look back and have a heart full of bitterness and regret?

It sounds like he’s been calling all the shots from day 1. I’ve always said divorce is not an option for me…but wow.

Post # 31
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Couples counseling should be requisite in this situation. There are clearly deep issues involving ego, trust, assumptions about the other person’s feelings, and you both are definitely on eggshells and defensive of your position. Counseling is designed, not to have you throw hi under the bus (as he probably assumes), but to strengthen your relationship through learning to be more vulnerable and communicate better. You’d ask for professional help if you didn’t know how to or had trouble fixing a broken water heater, so why not for something as important as marriage and parenting?

secondly, it really bothers me that he would presume to make decisions on your behalf about a medical procedure that you clearly desire and consent to. If you ask me, that is WAY out of line. He has no right to say “you can’t get this surgery” simply because he doesn’t want you to have a procedure. That he would hold you hostage by refusing his genetic material is really insufferable. If he opposed IVF in general, didn’t want kids, or had taken any real personal initiative I might give him a little ground… But as it is he just comes off as an asshole. 

Realistically, he’s probably not an asshole; he’s probably terrified. His reluctance for you to have this medical procedure, his lack of initiative, and his procrastination to me spell out either a distinct lack of maturity or a real sense of fear about a lack if control in his life. You can probably say for sure, but I suspect it’s the latter. If this is really preventing him from moving forward as it seems it is, I firmly believe that therapy is a MUST, and that he probably needs to see a therapist solo to work through his fears.

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