(Closed) TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 32
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@jaylinjo:  this is rough… he shouldnt act like that though

Post # 33
Member
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Ugh, what is it with men and their crazy resistance to therapy!!!!! Honestly, getting through this without help seems really difficult. You are in territory filled with insecurity, resentment, history, medicine, fear, expectations… you need counseling!

I am not surprised you lost your temper with him, after all that waiting. But you don’t have to walk away from the marriage if you two can sit down calmly and talk this through. Since he refuses (grrr) do go to therapy, at least TRY to approach the conversation in a healthy way. Maybe each write down some feelings and give them to each other to think about first? I don’t know, but something to start listening to each other.

But I would really push for counseling. This is your marriage. Maybe if he looks at it that way he’ll agree?

Post # 34
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@jaylinjo:  If he is not willing to see a therapist could you maybe set up a time for him and the doctor doing the procedure to meet and talk so your DH can discuss his concerns. Tell him he needs to at least hear from the experts about this and that shouldnt carry the stigma that sometimes therapy can for people. I am sorry you are in such a tough situation and I hope things start to get better soon.

Post # 36
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time, especially during the holidays. You will be in my thoughts.

Post # 37
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well I can certainly see where you are coming from. You both want children, time is ticking away and this guy is dragging his feet and now does not even want to go through with the IVF procedure.

I would be thoroughly pissed as well. HE feels disrespected because of one tirade? Well the fact that you have waited so long and have put so much energy into conceiving with so little involvement on his part is disrespectful. Words are words but the actions (or in this case the lack of action) speak volumes. A side note – I would be willing to bet that if a child (or children) is conceived – guess who the majority of the child care be designated to?

It seems as becoming a Mother is really important to you. If he is unwilling to get on board, then yeah, move ahead without him.

Post # 38
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

From date 3, he knew how much you wanted to be a mom–and you stuck by him all these years–and now he says no ivf, no donor sperm, no adoption–he is being entirely unreasonable.  There is so much more I could say about his uncompromising behavior, but I will leave it at that. 

 

 

 

Post # 39
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and that you now get to have tenuous holidays together. I’m very sorry.

That said, while you may have blurted out your frustrations without preparation, what you said needed to be said. You also pinpoint that he’s a dominant personality, you generally back down to what he says, etc. He prodded you into dating for years before a proposal, have a wedding after a long delay when you didn’t want one, even refuse to go in for an SA.

My honest feeling is that he’s either too “proud” to need fertility help, or he simply doesn’t want to have kids and is stringing you along. You’re right that at 37, the game is over and he needs to do something now. Perhaps talking about the statistics (i.e., how many other couples might need IVF because of male-factor infertility, etc.) might comfort him. Given your age group, he might still see it all as stigmatized – i.e., “real men” can get their wives pregnant without help.

Would he be willing to discuss any of his concerns with the doctors? Maybe you could schedule an appointment to relieve some of his fears.

But I agree with you on drawing a line on the sand. You’re going to be a mom one way or the other – he can either get on board or continue wallowing in self-pity, but that doesn’t mean that you have to.

Post # 40
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@jaylinjo:  Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope you can both resolve everything in the near future for your marriage’s sake.

I can’t imagine what I would do in your shoes, we just started TTC.  So I have no advice that hasn’t been said already, but wishing you well on whatever you BOTH decide.

 

Post # 41
Member
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

If this is a cultural thing, is there someone you could go to for intervention on your behalf?  I’m Asian and I know that very few of my uncles would probably seek treatment or consider IVF.  Bring in a grandparent to talk to them, however, and that’s another story.  “Saving face” is a big deal in our culture and they can’t seem to need help with something so personal.  If the help appears from someone they respect, they can accept it.

Post # 42
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If he doesn’t come around then yeah I’d leave. Refusing you children is essentially what he is doing and my heart hurts for you 🙁 

Post # 43
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@jaylinjo:  So sorry to hear you’re going through this…espcially now, when the two of you should be enjoying the holidays together. 

I understand how you feel. It seems like when we know or decide it’s time for kids, there’s just no changing that. At least that’s what I’m experiencing. 

I would be so mad if my husband dragged his feet for a year before being tested. However, I also know what it feels like to be scared to go out of fear they’ll tell you the worst has happened…that you can’t have kids, etc.

It’s a tough, emotional road. Just want to say I’m sorry and hope that the two of you can talk about this more once the holidays are behind you. Hopefully the new year will bring good change for the both of you.

 

Post # 44
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Wow, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It seems like he’s shown you repeatedly that when push comes to shove, your wants and needs around this don’t matter as much as his. That is clearly untrue, and good for you for standing up for what you want and letting him know that he is destroying your marriage with his resistance to compromise. He needs to know that. Honestly, even if he backpedals, I would make it clear that the marriage continuing is conditional on him going to marriage counseling with you. Even if he decides “oh wait! let’s have a kid any way possible!” I think that you two will need to enter counseling to work through what has happened–and even more so if you two actually do have a kid together. How will he handle parenting conflicts? Will it just be his way or the highway? If he’s not willing to compromise or even listen to your side of things now, I wouldn’t count on him doing that as a father. 

Post # 45
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

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@jaylinjo:  Good for you. I’m sorry that this has made the holidays strained for you, but GOOD FOR YOU for being clear on your needs, and drawing a line for compromise. I would advise against thinking about divorce right now. Once that issue worms into your brain, your marriage becomes about how much shit you are willing to take before walking out. Focus on your future baby, and focus on your marriage. Ideally, he would sack up and be the one there with you in March. If he’s not willing to support you then, that’s the time to start considering your next step. 

I wish you all the best. I’m not much of a want children kind of lady, but I do know for those who are, it is incredibly important. Don’t compromise on it. It sounds like you already have a lot of resentment in your heart, much of it stemming from timelines and your lack of child, and continuing on that path is going to poison the relationship. 

Fix it, see a therapist about it, and prioritize having a child, because your marriage won’t survive your inner scorn if you don’t.

Post # 46
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

The decision of whether or not to have children is a life-changing one. My Fiance has always wanted kids, and since I spent most of my life absolutely NOT wanting them, he made it very clear to me before we got engaged that this was non-negotiable; he could not stay with me if I wasn’t willing to have kids.

Thankfully, when I hit my mid-twenties I did a bit of a 180 and I now can’t wait to start a family with him, but if I’d never changed my mind, he would have left me, and I wouldn’t have blamed him.

This is something that you’ve wanted for so long. If you stay with him, and never even try IVF, there is a very good chance that you will resent him for the rest of your life. He has made you wait so long, and time is not on your side here. Do what you need to do, lady, and he will either step up, or he won’t.

My thoughts are with you – I hope that you are able to enjoy at least a little bit of the holidays.

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