(Closed) TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 47
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jaylinjo:  So sorry you’re going through this,  especially at Christmas. You seem really smart and educated on this whole subject and your open-mindedness about your options is beautiful. I think your maturity also shows through when you admit it may be best to let things cool down a bit even though you feel such a burning desire to get things going.

I think all of these qualities would make you a wonderful mother.

To be honest, when I first read your post, I felt bad for you both. For example,  finding out about his male issues has got be hard especially for such a dominant type of man. I also felt that the “waiting” for him all these years was your choice as well and also that it  was presumptuous to assume he had done his research. 

But when I re-read your post a few times as well as your resonses (and the varied opinions from other bees), my opinion began to change. I think you know you “snapped” and that its not a great way to communicate but heck, we all do occasionally.

Although at the core I feel we are equals, I too occasionally submit to my Darling Husband in order to “keep the peace”.  I’ve learned to not sweat the small stuff and don’t feel the need to always get my two cents heard in order to “win” an argument. But this is not “small stuff”, this could be the biggest decision of your life. Yes I said it…some may disagree but I think its a bigger deal than marriage.

I trult think you are on the right path and that your answers will come. If you continue listening to your head, heart and gut, you will make the right choice for yourself. Even in the best relationships, we have to take care of ourselves first otherwise we are no use to anyone. And thats what you are doing. He sure as heck seems to be making sure to take care of himself.

If he won’t talk it out and communicate with an openmind, you can just hash it out with your therapist and/or trusted friends and family and make your own choices. If he wont try, he doesn’t deserve a say.

All the best to you and a big Christmas thank you for a great reminder on the importance of my keeping an open mind even when I’m simply reacting to a post on the Bee. 🙂

Hope you have a great holiday!

PS Keep us posted if you can, I feel like i’ve invested real thought into this and i’d love to hear how it turns out for you. 

Post # 48
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lovekiss:  +1, exactly. For me, a life partner is more important than having children at any and all costs. OP, only you know what your priorities are. 

Post # 49
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@jaylinjo:  Honestly if I were in your situation I would feel the same way and probably would have reacted in the same manner.  You’ve done a lot of waiting around for this guy and it sounds like waiting for him to “come around” to various things is growing rather tiresome.  This is something that’s very important to you and time is running out.  I get that he probably needs some time to think about it but his initial reaction was insensitive.  Not only did his reaction suck, but he’s completely unwilling to compromise and participate in therapy or discuss adoption.  That’s bullshit.

Post # 50
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have no advice or anything but I absolutely wish you the best of luck. **hugs**

Post # 51
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with far too many posts to +1 them all.  I too am concerned by it’s always been his way or the highway (and the implications that would have if he was a father).  I give you credit for finally laying out your feelings, however inartfully (and I find his reaction far more problematic than how you said it). Yes, learning about MFI can be a huge blow.  As someone who’s Darling Husband has a 0 count, I know from experience.  But he needs to work with you.  He shouldn’t have the option of declining therapy.  And yes, unfortunately, because of your age, you need to move quickly if you are hoping to use your eggs.  Minds do change– my Darling Husband was very much against DS at first, and changed his mind.  We did IVF, and it wasn’t horrible or invasive (for me, anyway, since he had a surgical extraction to find sperm, he was quite beat up for a few days).  I wasn’t moody, and I had no side effects, I didn’t gain weight (heck, I LOST weight!).  Unfortunately, perhaps because of ICSI, it seems there aren’t as many options to improve counts and quality.  Some of have luck, but it’s not so common.  If he changes his mind on DS (or you go it alone), you can do IUI, which avoids the invasive procedures that go with IVF.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.  If you can get him into therapy and work this out, there are many of us on the TTC 1+ board who are dealing with MFI issues, and they are amazing, supportive ladies.

Post # 52
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@jaylinjo:  

You were honest and upfront with him from Date #3. 

None of this should come as a surprise to him.

As sorry as I am that you’re going through this, this is a classic example of there being no guarantees in life. People change, situations change, and some things are simply beyond our control. That is a bitter pill to swallow, I know. 

What’s happening to you here is one of the reasons why I am not a fan of waiting around five years for a guy to propose. This is nothing against you, OP. I feel your pain and I know you did not ask for this to happen to you. I’m just talking in general terms. When a guy needs five freaking years to figure out how to make his mouth form the words “Will you marry me?” while his long-suffering girlfriend waits patiently and makes excuses for him, it sets a precedent and sends the message that HE controls the timeline — the timeline for a proposal, the timeline for a wedding, the timeline for a baby.

You’re going to have to make a very difficult choice. You’re going to have to choose what is most important to you: This man, or the chance for a baby. 

 

He’s obviously not on board with doing his part. If you want a baby as badly as I think you do, you should go for it, with or without him. If it means getting IVF with a sperm donor, WHATEVER. Just do what you need to do, and be up front with him and let him know you’ll understand if he doesn’t agree with your decision and he can either stay or go.

It’s not like you’ve been deceptive or dishonest with him.

I’m so very sorry you’re dealing with this! Big hugs. Hang in there. 

Post # 53
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

i would be in your shoes too. i love my fiance more than anything… but being a mother is supremely important to me, as it is to you. like you, i told him i wouldn’t even go on a date with him unless he wanted children. so i would be just as heartbroken if he wasn’t willing to do everything in his power to make that happen… particularly since IVF isn’t invasive TO HIM. good for you for being assertive when it sounds like you haven’t been in the past. i think maybe you should give it some time to cool off and approach it at a later date in a less confrontational manner. you snapped at the time (totally understandable) but i think if you have a heart to heart where he doesn’t feel “attacked” he will see where you are coming from and this might be a non-issue.

best of luck… i hope you guys can heal a bit so you can enjoy your holidays. i’ll be thinking of you! (you’re gonna be an incredible mother)

Post # 54
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I do think what you said to him is out of line at all. I believe that the choice of whether to have children is so fundamentally important and when someone tries to get in someone else’s way on that, it horrifies me.

I think you should stick to your guns. You want to be a mother, and that should come before his feelings about it, especially because your marriage won’t (and maybe shouldn’t) survive if he tries to stop you.

Post # 55
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

@jaylinjo: sweetie,he’s not going to change.I went throught almost the same thing.Couldn’t conceive,I’ve been tested for everything and anything for a whole YEAR,and he couldn’t bother to take the only test he had to until I cried my eyes out for a whole week about it.He did,and sure enough,he was the problem.He never talked about it,he refused to have a conversation,going as far as telling me he had no idea what I was talking about.I had to go through the heartbreak of infertility alone for 5 years,because my then-husband couldn’t bother to even talk to me,let alone make a choice on what to do about it.

Now,1 years after we split,I think that the fact that this man couldn’t reproduce was a sign from above.I really do.Don’t let him stop you from fullfilling your lifelong dream,or you will regret it and resent him forever.I just want to give you an hug so much!

Post # 56
Member
7069 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think the OP is totally justified in her opinion. I know *for me*, I would not feel complete in life without having kids and being a mom. It’s something I’ve always wanted, be if biological or through other means. I know there are plenty of people who feel like if they couldn’t have kids, it’s not the end of the world, and life goes on. That’s great for them, but I want to be a mom. Period. I love my Darling Husband very much, but if he was acting like the OP’s, I would 100% walk. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore, but life is too short to live an unfulfilled existance and not try to acheieve everything you want out of life. 

There seems to be a lot of people saying “how could you leave your husband over something like this?”. Really? I would NEVER want to be married to someone who had so little regard for my feelings and my goals in life. To simply say “No, I will not consider any options”…..hell no. OP is nearing 40, and while I certainly don’t think that’s “old”, we all know that the world of fertility every year is increasingly harder. 

Post # 57
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@starfish0116:  +1 to everything you said. I couldn’t top that if I tried.

OP I am thinking of you and I hope you come back and let us know what happens after you attempt another talk with your Darling Husband. I, for one, think that you are completely justified in not only snapping, but contemplating walking away. What he is doing is unfair and I would not be able to respect any man that denies his wife of something so important. Yes, he could be scared but does he not think that being scared is a possibility for you as well? It looks like Darling Husband and I are going to have to take the IVF route as well and I am terrified, however my determination to be a mom outweighs any and all fear. If my Darling Husband were to ever try to deny me that as well as shoot down all other available options it would absolutely be a dealbreaker. No questions about that.

Post # 58
Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@jaylinjo:  I agree with you.

Post # 59
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2000

Dear OP:  this is a very distressing situation for you both. I have never been in your position and so can’t fully understand, but you have my sincerest sympathy. 

Clearly he is  devastated by his diagnosis of infertility and in some denial.  He sounds desparate to fix this by himself rather than seek intervention. Please give him some time to grieve this loss. He may yet wish to follow through with IVF. 

In the meantime, start the IVF process to gain information. He may have unnecessary fears for your well being and need reassurance. He can go the medical route at the same time to increase your chances of conceiving. 

Post # 60
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MrsPanda99: I think this is a lot more complicated than the OP “wanting a kid at any and all costs,” though. It’s about her husband making promise after promise to her, stringing her along, making her believe one thing about his investment in their future together (which included kids for both of them), and then shutting her out and refusing to compromise when they encountered some bumps in the road. Refusing to even go to counseling together to discuss the situation further. I don’t care *what* the inciting issue; if my husband did a 180 on something we had mutually agreed upon, then lashed out at me and proved completely unwilling to even discuss a compromise, I would for damn sure be rethinking my relationship as well.

Post # 61
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lookingforadvice77:  To each their own. My marriage is stronger than a desire for kids or fighting about it. I wouldn’t want to do IVF either so I understand where the OP’s husband is coming from. Like I said, we all have our own priorities. I’m not in the relationship so obviously the OP knows best. 

The topic ‘TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage’ is closed to new replies.

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