(Closed) TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 62
625 posts
Busy bee

@MrsPanda99:  He doesn’t want IVF, or adoption, or surrogacy, or *any reasonable option out there*. He just wants her to wait some more. Again.

This isn’t just about having kids anymore – this is about the fact that the OP’s husband apparently is the only one whose opinions/desires/timelines matter in their marriage. Why do his desires get priority here and hers are just supposed to go on the shelf?

Post # 63
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@jaylinjo:  so not selfish! To don’t blame you for snapping. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him. Good luck!

Post # 64
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First ((((( GIANT HUGS ))))) cause this indeed is a very disturbing issue for you / you guys.

(To be honest I read your post when it first went up yesterday… and I found I needed some time to genuinely absorb it / think about it)

The highlights for me are:

  • You have been 100% above board with him since early days… you want kids
  • You have done all the testing etc possible to figure out if that is possible etc
  • He dragged his feet in moving your Relationship / Marriage & now this wanting a Child forward to a reality
  • He is opposed to IVF (for you)
  • He is opposed to Adoption
  • He is opposed to using a Sperm Donor
  • He is opposed to using a Surrogate
  • AND… most importantly he is opposed to Marriage Counselling

Clearly he has his heels dug in… and has made his decision… he feels that you guys should remain married and childless.  Period.

Now you need to decide… what is more important… Your Marriage or a Child **

Is this a DEAL BREAKER for you & your relationship / marriage to this man

** Realizing that at 37 that NOTHING is 100% for sure that either IVF is going to work for you… or that you’d be able to find a Surrogate, or be approved as a “Single” Woman to adopt a child

So… moving forward on this TRYING to have a child… means that you could essentially LOSE BOTH OF YOUR DREAMS (at this time) … Being Married to THIS Man… and having a Child

Big Decision !!

I talked about your post with Mr TTR… he says your Guy is being a d!ck.  (Forget the whole procrastination issues… Proposing, Marriage, Dr’s Appointments)… He’s a d!ck because he’s CHOSEN to change the game on something that YOU PUT A PRIORITY ON… not a “little” something in your relationship… A MAJOR SOMETHING.

Not to even mention that the onus here on getting pregnant is going to be on you… not him.  IVF isn’t easy… for you.  For him it isn’t that difficult… he just needs to provide the sperm. ***

Kids are huge.  Not everyone wants one… and that is fine.  But when a Marriage agrees to have Children and there are none in it … it can be a heartbreak.  BUT the difference is that most couples find that reality hard to handle but they tackle it together as a team… they work thru it together… by trying all that they can, till they can try no more.  Your Guy isn’t even willing to try… or to look at other options.

It is like he’s deceived you… so YES you have every right to be angry !!

*** I’ve got to say that the whole sperm thing has made me wonder something… is he having issues in regards to feeling less like a man because:

(a) he has sperm issues, and
(b) he isn’t too jazzed about “providing” sperm on demand.

Some men get their gitches in a knot… about having their male bits under examination… this could explain WHY he stalled going to the Dr the first time round.  And sometimes that is also tied back to culture, or family belief  (In the same way that going to a Shrink isn’t done)

(Unless of course he already KNEW there was an issue with his sperm… that is also a possibility.  In which he’s been denying sh!t as a possibility with you right from the get go)

 Personally… I’d sit this boy down.  And have a serious heart-to-heart (after you’ve come to terms with ** as I laid out above).  Tell him what the CONSEQUENCES of his current stance means…

You will be doing this with or without him… as part of this couple… married moving forward to have a child… or on your own.

What he says in return, will determine what happens next.  You staying or going.

If he can’t give you an answer, or says he cannot agree with your thinking… then I’d have to say the writing is on the wall.  I’d rip the band-aid off quickly and move out.

At that point he’ll either come to his senses and be the supportive Hubby… or you’ll know 100% for sure where you stand, and you are going this alone.

37 isn’t the end of the world… but getting pregnant isn’t going to be easy… it isn’t easy for women who don’t have fertility problems and d!ck-head partners !!

If you are on your own, you’ll need to establish a strong SUPPORT NETWORK to make a go of this.  As it won’t be easy.  Even if you end up pregnant yourself (vs other options) it will be hard… siingle motherhood isn’t going to be easy (and Goodness it will be really difficult if you have a tough pregnancy and have to have bed rest).

So you really really have to think this all thru BEFORE you pull the trigger.  Once you do, unless he comes running after you… there will be no going back !!

The good news… it isn’t the end of the world.  You will meet a man who can make you happy and a good father to any child(ren) you may have.

I can say this… because I was married for over 20 years… and had a horrid Divorce (emotional nightmare).  I was in my mid-40s, and thought I’d NEVER find LOVE again.

I was wrong.  I met Mr TTR… I am blessed !!  So if it can happen for this “old broad” it can most certainly happen for a much younger you.

Just to let you know… it is a hard decision.  BUT I for one will be in your corner whichever route you choose.  And I know you’ll find other women on WBee who will say the same.  We might not be able to be there in person to support / help you … but we could certainly be a valuable part of your SUPPORT TEAM

Take care… (( HUGS))


Post # 65
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Sephiroth:  Like I said, it’s not my relationship. For me, it’s not worth fighting about. You can’t compromise on kids, so if it’s that important then the option is to leave. I wouldn’t lose my life partner to raise a kid by myself. That’s just me. To each their own. 

Someone else’s relationship isn’t worth arguing over. Agree to disagree. 

Post # 67
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I think some couples get so wrapped up in trying to get preggo they lose their relationship in the process. My husband and I are both on the fence about having kids. We already know we would require extensive intervention in order to have a healthy biological child of our own. The process scares us both, and I don’t think we are willing to go through with it. Adoption may be our answer. If that isn’t the answer for you, my question is why is having a child more important than having a husband? Pushing a man to become a father is certainly not the way to go. I think too many women out there think having children is what they ‘need’ to do, without thinking about what is going on in our world as a whole. There isn’t anything wrong with people NOT having children.

Post # 69
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@iloverocks: Have you even read this thread? 1) The OP’s husband led her to believe that he wanted kids as much as she did; 2) He strung her along for years, promising that they would have children together, and then when they hit a bump in the road backtracked on that promise and made her out to be the villain in the situation; 3) He is unwilling to compromise on ANYTHING–unwilling to discuss adoption, infertility treatments, surrogacy, ANYTHING; 4) He is unwilling to go to therapy to discuss the fallout of his stubborn selfishness. I’ve said it before in this thread, but I think a lot of people are getting caught up on the fact that the OP wants a child and are assuming that her myopic desire for a kid is destroying her marriage. In fact, her husband is destroying their marriage. If he husband doesn’t get it together and start communicating openly with his wife and start treating her needs as valid and worthy of discussion, then I don’t really think the relationship is worth fighting for, regardless of whether or not the OP decides to conceive.

View original reply
@jaylinjo: +1,000,000

I’m so glad you are in a place where you can stand up for what you want and need in this relationship & am happy to see you defending your position to the bees. I’m shocked at how many people here are just telling you to push your needs to the side in this, as though it’s your responsibility to singlehandedly hold your relationshp together when your husband isn’t willing to meet you halfway (or a quarter of the way, or a 25th of the way)–or even talk to you about what it would look like to compromise on this. Ugh. Stay strong, girl! I’m rooting for you. Hopefully your husband will see how selfish he’s being and talk openly and honestly with you about all this. And if not, I wish you the best of luck in motherhood & finding a partner who will support you in every way.

Post # 70
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ugh, I am so sorry this is happening to you, OP. You were honest from the getgo that you wanted children, and he led you to believe he wanted the same thing. I’m childfree by choice, and so is my Fiance. I know that I would be heartbroken if he changed his mind after we got married and wanted children.

What really gets me about this situation is that you are being so flexible (being okay with adoption, surrogacy, etc.), and he is not. He isn’t even willing to consider therapy to save your marriage – it sounds like he doesn’t even know what he wants, which is sad.

Post # 71
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@jaylinjo:  Yeah, I think it’s fine that you take charge of your life’s schedule for children, only now you will bring a baby into the world without a father. That is a sad thing for that child.


Post # 72
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

I think you did the right thing. I think he’s struggling with his ego as a lot of “what it means to be a man” is tied up with him perceiving himself as virile male. You have to take control of your life and your right to be a mother if you want to be. You’ve given him fair time and he has left you with few options, now he has a decision to make.  

The only think I could suggest is that you the get counciling either together or apart. 

Post # 73
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

@jaylinjo:  I do think though that trying to force him into being a parent is not the way to go. He will be resentful, and the kid will grow up in chaos. Coming from a chaotic household myself, I very much wish my parents did not have children. And I really don’t get how you could love someone enough to marry them but leave them simply because they are not on the same page regarding children. It sounds like maybe you thought some things were clear that weren’t. No one will be happy if you guilt or force him into being a parent. You are focusing more on a goal of yours that would involve him, rather than focusing on your marriage. If you think you made the wrong choice in a husband, think long and hard about it, but don’t make it about wanting kids. There is more than life to kids. Too many people these days get divorced simply because they don’t know how to work things out.

Post # 74
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@iloverocks:  I’m sorry, I am confused. Are you saying that you wish that you had never been born? I was so close to leaving this post without commenting, and wishing the OP the best in my mind. The OP is not trying to “force” him to do anything. He has to decide what he wants to do. Having children is a dealbreaker for her. So, you don’t have any dealbreakers? If you found out your spouse was a serial rapist, would you let it go and stick around? Or how about he decided out of the blue that he wanted to have ten kids, would you stay then? 

If she stays with someone who is 100% opposed to her greatest goal in life, she is going to become a miserable, resentful shrew. This was discussed years and years ago, and he made her think that they were both on the same page. This is grounds for a divorce (fraud) if he has been lying from the beginning. Marriage is about compromise, not control. She can end her marriage for anything she wants, why shouldn’t it be over children?! If I clung to my unhappy marriage simply to have a husband, any husband, I would not be marrying a much better man for me. She can get remarried, it happens all the time. For women, there is a time limit on children. This time limit is biological, physical, and mental. He has been unreasonable; he is the one trying to use force here. 

Post # 76
2304 posts
Buzzing bee

I have read most of the posts, OP and would say that maybe your response wasn’t so tactful, but it was absolutely necessary. 

It sounds like you know what you are and are not willing to live with(out). And I applaud you for being true to yourself. You and I may have different outlooks on life, but if I were in your shoes, I would be doing the exact same thing and wouldn’t worry a second about people judging you for “throwing away your marriage”. 

I do hope he comes around though, on the therapy too!

The topic ‘TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage’ is closed to new replies.

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