First ((((( GIANT HUGS ))))) cause this indeed is a very disturbing issue for you / you guys.
(To be honest I read your post when it first went up yesterday… and I found I needed some time to genuinely absorb it / think about it)
The highlights for me are:
- You have been 100% above board with him since early days… you want kids
- You have done all the testing etc possible to figure out if that is possible etc
- He dragged his feet in moving your Relationship / Marriage & now this wanting a Child forward to a reality
- He is opposed to IVF (for you)
- He is opposed to Adoption
- He is opposed to using a Sperm Donor
- He is opposed to using a Surrogate
- AND… most importantly he is opposed to Marriage Counselling
Clearly he has his heels dug in… and has made his decision… he feels that you guys should remain married and childless. Period.
Now you need to decide… what is more important… Your Marriage or a Child **
Is this a DEAL BREAKER for you & your relationship / marriage to this man
** Realizing that at 37 that NOTHING is 100% for sure that either IVF is going to work for you… or that you’d be able to find a Surrogate, or be approved as a “Single” Woman to adopt a child
So… moving forward on this TRYING to have a child… means that you could essentially LOSE BOTH OF YOUR DREAMS (at this time) … Being Married to THIS Man… and having a Child
Big Decision !!
I talked about your post with Mr TTR… he says your Guy is being a d!ck. (Forget the whole procrastination issues… Proposing, Marriage, Dr’s Appointments)… He’s a d!ck because he’s CHOSEN to change the game on something that YOU PUT A PRIORITY ON… not a “little” something in your relationship… A MAJOR SOMETHING.
Not to even mention that the onus here on getting pregnant is going to be on you… not him. IVF isn’t easy… for you. For him it isn’t that difficult… he just needs to provide the sperm. ***
Kids are huge. Not everyone wants one… and that is fine. But when a Marriage agrees to have Children and there are none in it … it can be a heartbreak. BUT the difference is that most couples find that reality hard to handle but they tackle it together as a team… they work thru it together… by trying all that they can, till they can try no more. Your Guy isn’t even willing to try… or to look at other options.
It is like he’s deceived you… so YES you have every right to be angry !!
*** I’ve got to say that the whole sperm thing has made me wonder something… is he having issues in regards to feeling less like a man because:
(a) he has sperm issues, and
(b) he isn’t too jazzed about “providing” sperm on demand.
Some men get their gitches in a knot… about having their male bits under examination… this could explain WHY he stalled going to the Dr the first time round. And sometimes that is also tied back to culture, or family belief (In the same way that going to a Shrink isn’t done)
(Unless of course he already KNEW there was an issue with his sperm… that is also a possibility. In which he’s been denying sh!t as a possibility with you right from the get go)
Personally… I’d sit this boy down. And have a serious heart-to-heart (after you’ve come to terms with ** as I laid out above). Tell him what the CONSEQUENCES of his current stance means…
You will be doing this with or without him… as part of this couple… married moving forward to have a child… or on your own.
What he says in return, will determine what happens next. You staying or going.
If he can’t give you an answer, or says he cannot agree with your thinking… then I’d have to say the writing is on the wall. I’d rip the band-aid off quickly and move out.
At that point he’ll either come to his senses and be the supportive Hubby… or you’ll know 100% for sure where you stand, and you are going this alone.
37 isn’t the end of the world… but getting pregnant isn’t going to be easy… it isn’t easy for women who don’t have fertility problems and d!ck-head partners !!
If you are on your own, you’ll need to establish a strong SUPPORT NETWORK to make a go of this. As it won’t be easy. Even if you end up pregnant yourself (vs other options) it will be hard… siingle motherhood isn’t going to be easy (and Goodness it will be really difficult if you have a tough pregnancy and have to have bed rest).
So you really really have to think this all thru BEFORE you pull the trigger. Once you do, unless he comes running after you… there will be no going back !!
The good news… it isn’t the end of the world. You will meet a man who can make you happy and a good father to any child(ren) you may have.
I can say this… because I was married for over 20 years… and had a horrid Divorce (emotional nightmare). I was in my mid-40s, and thought I’d NEVER find LOVE again.
I was wrong. I met Mr TTR… I am blessed !! So if it can happen for this “old broad” it can most certainly happen for a much younger you.
Just to let you know… it is a hard decision. BUT I for one will be in your corner whichever route you choose. And I know you’ll find other women on WBee who will say the same. We might not be able to be there in person to support / help you … but we could certainly be a valuable part of your SUPPORT TEAM
Take care… (( HUGS))