Post # 92
@iloverocks: I don’t want kids myself, but I think you are being absurd. There is nothing wrong with wanting and needing things in a relationship. In fact, wanting and needing things from our partners is the foundation of a relationship. It is only healthy to be selfless in a relationship if your needs are being met–if your partner is looking out for your needs as much as you are looking out for his. Otherwise, at best, you are engaging in a codependent relationship. If you want to call that selfish, I guess you’re entitled to do so. Whatever you call it, looking out for ourselves in life is necessary to some degree.
If your husband agreed to a monogamous relationship with you and suddenly backtracked six years into the relationship, claiming that he was going to sleep with other women and that he was completely unwilling to compromise or discuss his position, and furthermore that he refused to get couple’s counseling with you, what would you do? I can guarantee that most if not all of the bees would recommend leaving in a hot second if this were the case.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with not wanting a child, just as there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be polygamous–but in the OP’s scenario as in the one I’ve outlined here, the husband is backtracking on agreed-upon conditions of the marriage. That is not ok, and to blame the OP for looking out for herself when her husband is unwilling to do so is outrageous. As she’s said repeatedly, it isn’t so much that he has decided that he doesn’t want a child–it’s that he’s shut her out completely, belittled her wants and needs, and refused to talk about it or get help from a couple’s counselor. He has basically checked out of the relationship. Are you honestly suggesting that the OP should ignore all of this and put all of her energy into reparing a relationship with a man who breaks promises to her, lies to her about what he wants, ignores what she wants, and refuses to talk about it? How would she even go about repairing it, considering her husband is unwilling to talk about the situation or go to couple’s counseling?
Post # 93
@iloverocks: I don’t want nor need your sympathy. You have ZERO clue what you’re even talking about. My husband DOES want children. He just thinks they are going to magically appear out of thin air without us having to do a bit of “extra” work on our ends. I am not forcing him to be a father, he wants this too, so until you actually read what I wrote, your replies are pointless because they have no relation and are completely irrelevant to our issue (which is not about whether he wants to be a father, it is about him shunning the steps that we are going to need to take to make him a father). Yeesh! At any rate, I am done defending my stance with you. I feel like a broken record at this point because you just aren’t getting the bigger picture.
To everyone else, Thank you for the support and advice. Things have been calm in our household since Christmas. We have been skirting around the discussion and I figure we will revisit after his appointment next Friday (we had to move it up due to family obligations) and I promise to come back in and update everyone on the outcome.
Post # 94
@jaylinjo: I feel for you, too, I really do. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.
Post # 95
@jaylinjo: Thanks for the update! I wish you the best, whatever happens, and I hope that you update us again soon!
Post # 97
Your situation is very tough, and I think you are doing the right thing. Try with everything you have to work with your husband and figure out a situation that you are both comfortable with. But, don’t allow your dream of being a mother be squashed because he can’t seem to deal with his issues.
You only live once. You know what is important to you. If I were you, I would have/adopt a child no matter what ends up happening with my husband, and try like hell to make sure he’s there with me.
Post # 99
Disclaimer: not read all the replies.
Your age is against you here, I’m afraid. If you were younger, I would have said that you could wait, but if you want more than one child, especially, you and I both know that you are running out of time. I would say that you can afford to give him no more than 6 months to get his count up.
My Darling Husband is opposed to fertility treatments for religious reasons, and has also said he would not want to adopt. I would dread being in this situation. I could forgive infertility… there is nothing to forgive… it is not his fault… but I would feel that, by refusing me IVF or adoption, he would have selfishly stopped me from becoming a parent.
I couldn’t live with that.
Post # 100
@iloverocks: Are we reading a whole different thread here?
Everyone has dealbreakers. The key is to discuss them before the marriage. For example, if my husband suddenly converted to Orthadox Judaism, insisted we move to a Jewish only area, refused to have non-kosher food in the house, insisted that I wore long skirts, and started training to be a rabbi, that could well be a dealbreaker for me. If he was like this before marriage, that’s different… but if we are discussing a major life change and someone has just done a 180, it is easy to see how the other partner could feel betrayed. Everything they discussed and agreed upon is now in the air… if she can’t trust what he said before, how can she trust anything he says again? How can you trust a man who changes his words all the time to suit himself? It is not a stable foundation for a marriage.
OP and her husband discussed this extensively before marriage… and now he just wants to **** all over her, basically. You marry someone thinking that you know what sort of person they are, and what you both want. You both need to want the same fundamental things. If A wants to travel the world and eschew personal possessions, and B wants a well paid, stable life in London, they are not a good match. Likewise, if A and B agree that they will spend the first 10 years of their married life living in a Mongolian yurt and learning how to herd goats, and then B has a total 180, I imagine that A will have a lot of soul searching to do and feel deceived. I mean, I’m not anti-Islamic by any stretch of the imagination, but if Darling Husband converted to hardline Shia and insisted on taking a second wife, that would be a dealbreaker. I’m not necessarily speaking against polygamy… I used to work in a society where polygamy and polyandry were both practised, and many people were very happy with the arrangement. But it is not for me.
You must agree on the fundamentals before marriage, and having children is a fundamental for many people. OP and her husband did agree on the fundamentals… they discussed it extensively… and now he’s gone back on his promises. So how can she trust him again?
Post # 101
@jaylinjo- I am glad to read that things have calmed down (somewhat). While I am not in favor of divorce, there are a few reasons that I would leave- and parenthood is one of them. It is quite unfair that you both had agreed you wanted to be parents, but then he changed the rules of the game.
If he does change his thinking and you go down the path of becoming parents together I hope that you both take the time to talk about what happened to get you to the point that you wanted to leave. He sounds very “my way or no way” and if that issue doesn’t get changed, you will find you have many more issues in the future years, especially raising a child. I am glad you finally spoke up and for yourself, but these things need to be addressed before they get to a boiling point (this is something I am working on myself, so I know first hand how hard it is to change this).
Regardless, if you go forward with your husband, or on your own, good luck (I have several friends go thru IVF on their own- it’s hard, but they all say sooo worth it)
Post # 102
@jaylinjo: All the best to you. I hope the two of you can work it out.
Post # 103
@jaylinjo: OP, I agree with your stance and applaud you for standing up for your wants. The part that baffles me is why your husband is having such a strong negative reaction to a procedure that has almost nothing to do with him. I don’t see how he gets to make the decision about what you do to YOUR body. Yes, he should be aware of the procedure and (hopefully) supportive of it, but ultimately, it’s not his decision to make (especially since he’s said he wants biological kids with you).
When plan A doesn’t work, and plans B, C, D, etc are all still viable options, it’s not fair or reasonable to your partner to unilaterally give up. That’s not how mature, logical adults make decisions. Just because you have to work for it doesn’t mean that it’s not meant to be; it just means that you have to take a different path than others.
I know several women who have undergone IVF; one had twins at age 44 (11 years ago); one had a daughter (standard conception) then twins via IVF 4 years later (age 35); one has 2 kids, both via IVF, at ages 34 and 39 (respectively). All of them have said that the procedure is a bit scary and painful, and the unknowns can be daunting but not insurmountable (and most-definitely worth it).