- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I have been on other forums before but I like the bee and the ladies here so I thought I would share my feelings with you all.
This may turn out to be a long story so I apologise now.
First of all I am blessed to be the mother of beautiful 6-year-old son, who is my world along with my wonderful fiancé.
On the 15th August 2009 my Fi proposed to me, it wasn’t a fairy tale proposal but he did it none the less. This also happens to be the day in which I conceived (my second pregnancy) I know this because it was the only possible time this could have happened. Well when I was 10 weeks pregnant I had a really sharp nasty pain in my stomach and the urge to go to the toilet. As I stood I noticed that my pj’s were blood stained, I panicked like never before rang my mum, she didn’t answer, I rang my Fiance home from work and then my eldest brother, to take me to hospital. I passed some large clots and began to prepare myself for the worst. However once I was in hospital I had a scan and my baby was fine and doing well, I also took whatever I could to the hospital (what I had passed) and the consultant suggested that I had miscarried a twin. I put this to the back of my mind and counted my blessings that I was still pregnant and my baby was well. I continued to bleed heavy for the rest of my pregnancy
I returned for a check up and scan every week after this with the same consultant, again all was well with baby, but I had a large blood mass above my uterus. I was told to prepare for the worst but kept hopeful.
At 15 weeks I returned for my weekly scan and the mass had grown yet my little one was kicking away like mad and the heartbeat was fine. When I got home I got out my Doppler to let my son listen to the babies heart beat and I couldn’t find it, I thought little of it and told him I would try again later. As I stood up from the sofa, I knew something was wrong, seriously wrong i asked my Fi to run a bath as i was in a lot of pain, which he did. I won’t repeat that scene with you though. An hour after leaving the hospital I was back there and was told I had miscarried. I was advised to have a D and C but I said I wanted to go home (I’m not sure why I did this, other then my Fiance needed me and I wasn’t thinking straight).
I got home and everything seemed to calm down I was relieved by this and believed it was all over, I was in a blind state of shock however and just wanted to lie with my Fiance and sleep. The hospital called me the following morning to ask how I had been in the night, going from my description they told me I had managed to pass naturally. This was not to be so, 3 days later I went into what only could have been labour and delivered my baby at home in the bathroom. I’m still angry to this day with myself for leaving hospital when I did. I was taken back into hospital after passing the haemorrhage (the blood mass on my scans) after some examination I was told that the reasoning for this was my uterus had torn and the shear weight had forced labour.
This whole mess sent me into depression, thankfully my Fiance was a tower of strength. I also had to have a funeral for my little one due to British laws. I am glad I choose to attend this, it has helped me work through things in later times.
Three months after my miscarriage I had another haemorrhage. After this one they found polyps and cysts on my ovaries (non cancerous thankfully)
It almost 4 years on and we have not managed to conceive. My doctor refused to test me for any fertility problems until I got my depression sorted, which I now have done. I’m also very scared to go to see him because in a way, what I don’t know can’t hurt me, but I think 4 years is a pretty big ‘slap in the face clue’ that there is something wrong, and I’m also afraid that if this does happen again history will repeat itself, if it could be so cruel to do so.
I don’t know what to do anymore, Fiance wants me to go back to see the doctor and I know he’s right, but I think I’ve just managed to shut that door (never locked though) and he wants to open it all again by me being told I have a problem. It’s so hard to deal with a loss but to never have again is just heart breaking.