- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2011
So, I thought I would share this (warning: it turned into a novel :x)
In the past two months, I have had two friends that did NOT want to be pregnant announce their pregnancies. Both ladies had just left their significant others (one was her boyfriend; the other was her husband.) The first one…well, I expected it. She kept saying she was pregnant every month, and then she actually was. So it wasn’t as shocking as it could have been…but still sucked. Especially since now she rarely talks to me. I suppose she doesn’t need me now since she’s through symptom spotting?
The second friend, well, it blindsided me. She tried for a few years to get pregnant, but it never happened. Now that she’s in the middle of a divorce? It did. And when she told me? I locked myself in my classroom, hid away from the door and cried.
I felt like the universe had betrayed me (how self-centered is that?) I felt like the world was just plain UNFAIR. (Add in some choice words there, because I certainly dropped them.) The whole day I had to laugh and joke with my students, I was struggling to hold back sobs. I just couldn’t handle the thought that I would have to see her every single day and hear about the pregnancy every single day.
After being told, “God will give you the gift when He’s ready” and the “maybe you’re just not ready yet, and God knows it” comments all day–I was ready to snap.
I had another pity party with my husband once we both got hom (after getting angry at him for not being caring enough. Then he texted me and told me he only gets angry because he can’t help me and he can’t give me what I so desparately want), I felt a tiny bit better.
Then this morning, I woke up two hours before him and I thought about life. I thought about how wonderful my husband is, how I’m lucky to have a career that I love (or at least like, most of the time), how we’re financially stable when so many people around me are not, how I just have an amazing life. Why do I need to focus so heavily on what will “make it better”? Why do I need to stress myself out month after month over something that, at this point, I have little control over? Sure, I’ll keep temping, and I’ll pee on a few OPKs, just to be sure…but do I need to let it consume me? Do I need to let it make me depressed and unhappy? I just realized that I can’t keep doing this to myself every month. I need to find solace in the fact that my life is great, and that even if, God forbid, we couldn’t have children, that we have an amazing relationship and that there is no one on earth I would rather spend my time with.
I’m not saying I won’t be disappointed if the months go on and I’m not pregnant. i’m not saying I won’t have any more bad days, and that I won’t feel little pricks of jealousy when more people announce their pregnancies, or talk about their current pregnancies, but I am saying that I WILL try to focus on the here and now, and not so much on the uncertainity of the future
I know this is a novel, but I really hope it helps some Bees out there feel a little better about the feelings they feel and let’s them know that we ARE more future-mothers-to-be and that we need to enjoy our right-nows before they’re yesterdays.<3