(Closed) TTC Related– Do I have a right to be upset?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I dont have any advice, but Id probably be upset too… I’m soo sorry!

Post # 4
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Your situation is definitely hard but just to address the not wanting your kids to be 8-9 years apart…

I am the oldest and have two brothers. My middle brother (D) and I have what might be considered the ideal age gap, about 2.5 years. My youngest brother (W) is ten years younger than me. D and I have really no relationship any more, we weren’t very close growing up and we really don’t get along much even as adults. We just have different lifestyles, beliefs, etc. W and I are very close despite the gap, as a 9 year old I was SO excited when we found out my mom was pregnant. I remember every part of W’s life and really enjoyed having a young baby/toddler/child as I was growing up. He is actually graduating from high school this year and it is coming as quite a shock that “my baby” is all grown up now!

So I guess my point is don’t think the age gap is necessarily a negative thing from the perspective of your children. W has always looked up to both D and I, and I know he has really enjoyed having much older siblings. Also, I know my mom really enjoyed being older and more knowledgeable with W. She will tell you that essentially she has had more fun with him. She didn’t stress over doing everything perfect and my parents were both more financially stable and just able to enjoy his childhood in a different way.


Good luck with everything!

Post # 5
4824 posts
Honey bee

I would be upset as well. Its hard to hear judgements of your parents that you dont agree with.

Have you sat down with him to figure out exactly what it is he considers to be “Out of debt” and also what exactly he expects your situation to look like when you two are 50?

If you can come up with a financial plan (actual #’s that you are saving each month and putting towards certain accounts etc) then maybe the two of you can come to an agreement about when to have a kid.

Also, he may not realize where your parents money is going, or maybe what he is really worried about is the “what if” circumstances that your parents actually came across. Maybe what he was trying to say is he wants to be better prepared for them, not that your parents aren’t really doing well enough

Post # 7
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I really wish I knew a way to help ya out. What he said would have hurt my feelings also! 🙁 Prayers for you

Post # 8
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@ShowTimeCenergy: I think you both need to compromise here. Obviously he doesn’t feel financially secure enough to feel like he can support a child. This can be a GOOD thing…he wants to be able to provide for his family so you aren’t struggling with a new baby. I would disregard the comment about your parents..it seems like you’re putting him under a LOT of stress to where a comment like that may come out from frustration. Crying for 4 days straight is a little ridiculous and I think its detrimental to what you’re trying to achieve here. Take a step back and talk to him like an adult. Ask for a shorter time line and look at your financial figures together. 

Post # 10
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I can see why your feelings were hurt when he spoke about your parents.  I can understand why you wouldn’t want your kids to be so far apart, as well.  Is that the only reason you don’t want to be 31 and having a child?  Because a LOT of Bees on here are in their late 20s and won’t be having their FIRST child until between 30-35 and might be offended by what you wrote.

I wonder if he knew before this discussion how badly you wanted another child.  You said it was a recent want and came out of nowhere.  Maybe he was just really taken back by you suddenly wanting one?  Do you think he’d be more open to talk about it in a couple months now that he knows how much you want to start trying?

Post # 12
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Well I was in your position at one point in time minus something very important; a husband!  I was a single mother and always wanted my kids to be 3 years apart roughly.  I had to give up that notion.  I’m now 30 with a 10 year old and a wonderful Darling Husband.  I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t have another baby for another probably 2 years.  It doesn’t bother me anymore that there will probably be 12 and 14 years between my children.  My Darling Husband and his oldest brother are 10 years apart and he has a younger brother 15 months younger than him.  They are all very close.  

Sometimes you have to take what you get and accept it.  I never wanted to have kids in my 30’s either but should I take it out on my Darling Husband that I had a child way too young?  

On the other hand, if you wait until you are 100% ready to have kids you probably never will.  

Post # 13
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I understand why you would be upset, I would probably too. But Men do think differently. Maybe he thought you guys were making up by getting intimate and it wasnt like he changed his mind in a half hour, so putting on a condom was probably a smart choice.

Believe me you dont want to go into a pregnancy without both on board. This time is so special and if I didnt have my husbands support through it wouldn’t be the same.

May I ask why you put quotations around “debt”?? If I were you I would try listening a little more to his rational sometimes we lead with our hearts and not our heads. Im saying sometimes… not all the time. I know that my husband can provide me with a sense of clarity to a situation that I am too emotionally invested in.

I can understand why you would be upset about what your husband said about your parents… we say things that are below the belt when things get heated; but calling his parents drunks is no better. Maybe he just sees your parents struggle and doesnt want to put you thtough that. Regardless, neither of you have to be like neither of your parents you have to do whats best for you and your relationship.

Post # 14
11 posts
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree wholeheartedly with MsNarwhal and nonoame above, so I won’t rehash their  comments. Both really said it best.


The topic ‘TTC Related– Do I have a right to be upset?’ is closed to new replies.

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