Post # 1
Ok gals… I have a small problem. I’m 26 and already have a child that is 4 from a previous relationship. I am married and Darling Husband considers my child like his own. I recently (dont ask me where it came from or why) have gotten to where I want a baby and I want one bad! Its to the point that even thinking about it makes me very emotional! Now I addressed this with Darling Husband, and he is against it due to our “debt” (we really dont have debt- but that is an entirely different story) So we have argued about it for 4 days. He wants to wait like 4-5 years. Well I dont want my children 8-9 years apart, I just dont! And I do not want to be 31yrs old having a child. Well anyways I was so upset last night about it all. And Im telling you Im not that emotional of a person adn this conversation has had me beside myself for 4 days… crying uncontrollably!
Well the first thing that made me mad last night was Darling Husband saying “I dont want to be like your paretns and broke at 50” That hurt me so bad! My parents are 150% supportive of everything we do, always there for us and helping us in anyway possible. My dad lost his job when his factory left a few years back and with his colon cancer and back problems he is in the process of getting disability and my mother makes good money, they just dont have alot because they are taking care of my elderly grandmother (who has cancer & parkinsons) nad they do everything they possibly can for my sibling and I… My parents are amazing great people! However he would rather us be like his parents, who are judgmental, dont come visit us ever, rude, drunks…. He knows all of this and doesnt ever want to go visit them but they have money so its ok? Well that upset me horribly…
So a few hrs later Im still upset but not crying, he starts being sweet and having my lay with him telling me it will all be ok, and how much he loves me and all of this. Now I dont think he has changed his mind, But at this point I do think he is at least understanding where I’m coming from and trying to think about it. So we goto bed, he starts getting all lovey… So I oblige thinking ok maybe he really is considering and thinking about this…. after fooling around a little he looks at me and says “When did your pills run out?” I said a week or so ago… to his reply “Mind if I strap one on to be safe’!! What?!
Now he knew that through all of this i was that upset and he took advantage being nice and sweet and all of that to then not only get some for his own excitement but do something like that in the middle that he knew would upset me! Now I nkow if he doesnt want one thats that… I would never trick him into it or get prego on purpose, but if your wife is that upset about this and you decide to go ahead and have sex with her to halfway through do that one thing to just throw it in my face… UGH Im actually hurt and mad!!! Am I wrong here?
Post # 3
I dont have any advice, but Id probably be upset too… I’m soo sorry!
Post # 4
Your situation is definitely hard but just to address the not wanting your kids to be 8-9 years apart…
I am the oldest and have two brothers. My middle brother (D) and I have what might be considered the ideal age gap, about 2.5 years. My youngest brother (W) is ten years younger than me. D and I have really no relationship any more, we weren’t very close growing up and we really don’t get along much even as adults. We just have different lifestyles, beliefs, etc. W and I are very close despite the gap, as a 9 year old I was SO excited when we found out my mom was pregnant. I remember every part of W’s life and really enjoyed having a young baby/toddler/child as I was growing up. He is actually graduating from high school this year and it is coming as quite a shock that “my baby” is all grown up now!
So I guess my point is don’t think the age gap is necessarily a negative thing from the perspective of your children. W has always looked up to both D and I, and I know he has really enjoyed having much older siblings. Also, I know my mom really enjoyed being older and more knowledgeable with W. She will tell you that essentially she has had more fun with him. She didn’t stress over doing everything perfect and my parents were both more financially stable and just able to enjoy his childhood in a different way.
Good luck with everything!
Post # 5
I would be upset as well. Its hard to hear judgements of your parents that you dont agree with.
Have you sat down with him to figure out exactly what it is he considers to be “Out of debt” and also what exactly he expects your situation to look like when you two are 50?
If you can come up with a financial plan (actual #’s that you are saving each month and putting towards certain accounts etc) then maybe the two of you can come to an agreement about when to have a kid.
Also, he may not realize where your parents money is going, or maybe what he is really worried about is the “what if” circumstances that your parents actually came across. Maybe what he was trying to say is he wants to be better prepared for them, not that your parents aren’t really doing well enough
Post # 6
@lefeymw:Ive tried, I know what our debt is… (Car Loan that will be pd off in April, House Loan, and Student Loans that dont come due for another 2 years with a forgiveness of 7k after 2 more years) He wants student loans GONE but that’ll take years. We have a really nice amount in savings (over 5 digits) and he has 4 retirement accounts equalling over $60k…..
how can i feel something is soooooo right and he just say nope (not a feeling he has just his “logical thinking”)
Im really hurt by the things he said adn did last night. I cant change how I feel
Post # 7
I really wish I knew a way to help ya out. What he said would have hurt my feelings also! 🙁 Prayers for you
Post # 8
@ShowTimeCenergy: I think you both need to compromise here. Obviously he doesn’t feel financially secure enough to feel like he can support a child. This can be a GOOD thing…he wants to be able to provide for his family so you aren’t struggling with a new baby. I would disregard the comment about your parents..it seems like you’re putting him under a LOT of stress to where a comment like that may come out from frustration. Crying for 4 days straight is a little ridiculous and I think its detrimental to what you’re trying to achieve here. Take a step back and talk to him like an adult. Ask for a shorter time line and look at your financial figures together.
Post # 9
@MsNarwhal: Im not saying his wanting to be financially secure is bad thing; but we are financially secure. I dont want to throw out numbers but honestly anyone other than Donald Trump or Millionaires would see us as very financially stable; plus I am a semester away from taking a huge pay increase.
I agree that me being that upset for 4 straight days is a little much, Im not saying its a good thing. My point is I dont understand why Im this upset over it. Im not one that gets like this over things. Mad maybe, that emotional never. Its so strange to me to be this emotional over something and I can not get it out of my head. He doesnt budge, and I know him. It will always be one excuse after another.
Post # 10
I can see why your feelings were hurt when he spoke about your parents. I can understand why you wouldn’t want your kids to be so far apart, as well. Is that the only reason you don’t want to be 31 and having a child? Because a LOT of Bees on here are in their late 20s and won’t be having their FIRST child until between 30-35 and might be offended by what you wrote.
I wonder if he knew before this discussion how badly you wanted another child. You said it was a recent want and came out of nowhere. Maybe he was just really taken back by you suddenly wanting one? Do you think he’d be more open to talk about it in a couple months now that he knows how much you want to start trying?
Post # 11
@Juliepants: It wasnt meant as insulting or offensive. Its just my personal thoughts that I dont want a child after 30. I had a rough pregnancy at 22 and with the increase chances for difficulties after 30 I just prefer to have children in my 20s. Not sure why? My paretns had me in their early 20s I just dont want to be 60+ when my children at 30… nothing at all against ayone who does have children after 30 — I respect their decisions and lvoe children at any age! So this is nothing about that, just a personal preference!
he knew I wanted another one, maybe just not when… I have no idea what to do. I’m trying to forget about it because I know I’m not winning this one 🙁
Post # 12
Well I was in your position at one point in time minus something very important; a husband! I was a single mother and always wanted my kids to be 3 years apart roughly. I had to give up that notion. I’m now 30 with a 10 year old and a wonderful Darling Husband. I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t have another baby for another probably 2 years. It doesn’t bother me anymore that there will probably be 12 and 14 years between my children. My Darling Husband and his oldest brother are 10 years apart and he has a younger brother 15 months younger than him. They are all very close.
Sometimes you have to take what you get and accept it. I never wanted to have kids in my 30’s either but should I take it out on my Darling Husband that I had a child way too young?
On the other hand, if you wait until you are 100% ready to have kids you probably never will.
Post # 13
I understand why you would be upset, I would probably too. But Men do think differently. Maybe he thought you guys were making up by getting intimate and it wasnt like he changed his mind in a half hour, so putting on a condom was probably a smart choice.
Believe me you dont want to go into a pregnancy without both on board. This time is so special and if I didnt have my husbands support through it wouldn’t be the same.
May I ask why you put quotations around “debt”?? If I were you I would try listening a little more to his rational sometimes we lead with our hearts and not our heads. Im saying sometimes… not all the time. I know that my husband can provide me with a sense of clarity to a situation that I am too emotionally invested in.
I can understand why you would be upset about what your husband said about your parents… we say things that are below the belt when things get heated; but calling his parents drunks is no better. Maybe he just sees your parents struggle and doesnt want to put you thtough that. Regardless, neither of you have to be like neither of your parents you have to do whats best for you and your relationship.
Post # 14
I agree wholeheartedly with MsNarwhal and nonoame above, so I won’t rehash their comments. Both really said it best.