Post # 1
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
Question and then the back story: How do I survive the holidays and any potential comments regarding having another baby?
Long story short: It took 8 months to conceive my son who is almost 2.5 yrs old. We have been TTC since he was 9 months old. We got pregnant after 4 months but it was ectopic. We have been ttc since February (9 months) and no luck so far.
Long story long: The ectopic was an absolute nightmare, took forever to resolve, and I lost my tube. We were cleared to TTC in February 2016 and no luck yet. My immediate family knows what happened, but the extended doesn’t and that is who we will see on Thanksgiving and who will likely as questions. Lots of family said “oh you’ll just have another baby”, “you can get pregnant again”, “don’t worry”, etc after our ectopic. Here we are more than a year later (only 9 cycles of TTC though) and guess what? No baby.
It is difficult because
1) my SIL is pregnant and so a lot of topics revolve around that and it is tough to sit through. I usually try and exit that convo and find a new one.
2) The extended family asks when we are going to have another and it stings. Last Thanksgiving we were asked and it was right after my surgery and it took everything in me not to cry. I’m more and less sad now if that makes sense because I’m less sad about what happened but more sad that we haven’t gotten pregnant.
3) We haven’t openned up much to our family about our stuggles with TTC because many members of our family believe we should genetically test for a specific issue and if we are positive, that we should do IVF/PGD to avoid it. This would cause them to push more heavily for IVF/PGD. They are very agressive with their opinions and IVF with PGD isn’t something we are ready to jump to right now. (The genetic issue is an adult onset issue and is just one of many genetic things that run in our family. We have alzheimers, colon cancer, and other things in addition to this genetic issue, so we don’t feel like IVF/PGD for this one issue is really that important.)
We are “allowed” to proceed into further options in February so that is a light at the end of this shit tunnel. I guess I’m trying to figure out what to say to people that is honest, but also isn’t super depressing.
Post # 2
Member
1600 posts
Bumble bee
While I don’t know what it feels like to be in your exact situation, I have similar issues. We have been ttc for 7 months.. my oldest sister has 2 kids, and my middle sister is pregnant and due anyday. We have always done things the same, and in order (got married, bought houses, etc.. were all very very close). Everytime we go anywhere together, people CONSTANTLY make comments like “youre next!” “when are you getting started” “when is your little one coming?” and it drives me NUTS! It makes for such an awkward situation… i usually say ohhh who knows, but like its awkward, and frankly an inappropriate question. I don’t ask people about their fertility plans… why are they asking me? I just kind of change the subject. I know its hard though, especially around the holidays when you’re already feeling down.
Post # 3
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
MrsBG : Hugs! I can totally relate. January will be 2 years of TTC for us (currently in cycle #27 or 28 now) with two early losses. I have been very open about our experience to anyone who asks because I hate suffering in silence. Plus, when people ask or make stupid comments like “So when are you two going to have one? It’s about time!” I’ll share our experience and make them feel like a jerk. Maybe a little petty, but when you’ve had to suffer through the same comments over and over again, it feels good to shut them up!
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about it, you can also give a bland response and change the subject. Think of a few topics before you get there so you’re prepared.
Post # 4
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
teacherbee01 : You get the idea. It is so tough when people ask. I’m just trying to figure out what I can say to help ease my stress.
Post # 5
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
HaaaveYouMetTed : Thanks. I think I’m done “suffering in silence.” I guess if they feel bad, its on them because they brought it up. Better than me stewing and not saying anything.
Post # 6
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
MrsBG : I don’t have anything to say than to add that, I live in a diferent continent frommy family but they still get on the phone and ask when they are getting a nephew,niece,grandchild, you name it haha. I laugh it off cos we have only been trying a short time but have managed to get pregnant twice and ended in a CP. I am waiting for my next BFP and babies hopefully this month then when I have my babies, I would tell dem, ….remember that day you asked for a cousin,nephew, grandchild I had just miscarried haha. maybe they would feel bad ,but knowing my friends and family and I truly love dem, they would only feel bad for a short while then in a couple months, they would start with…..baby needs a sibling . 🙂
Post # 7
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
MrsBG : I know everyone’s intentions are good, but they don’t realize a simple (yet intrusive) question can trigger so much grief. Here’s hoping the holidays fly by! Haha
Post # 8
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
HaaaveYouMetTed : A not close friend of my cousin-in-law asked her if she was pregnant recently. She was apparently wearing a very unflattering dress. Little did she know that she had recently had a missed miscarriage and then had a prophylactic oophorectomy (ovary removal) and therefore can’t have any more kids. Luckily she has other kids and seems to be in a good place about it, but still. Not okay to ASK!!
Post # 9
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
MrsBG : Oh my gosh, that poor woman! THIS is why I’m so open about our struggles. If I can shut one fool up and prevent something like that from happening again…
Post # 10
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
MrsBG : Holy shit are we the same person? I am also in the same boat, a 3 year old and trying for over a year to have #2 with several losses in there and we had a blighted ovum that was the absolute nightmare too, took over 5 months to resolve. But that was back in February and just like you here we at Christmas, and we are no further along. AND my SIL is also pregnant and starting to show a lot and it takes nothing now to bring me to tears. Man I can sympathize so hard with you. And I have her shower coming up too and I am soooooooo afraid of people turning the question to me of when we are going to have another. We are also on the crux of further intervention and IVF has been suggested.
I think I have to start being honest because it doesn’t serve us well anymore to be vague especially when I am always hanging on a cliff of emotion. But I also don’t want to be accused of stealing SIL’s thunder either with our issues. It’s so tough….and people LOVE those dismissive comments like Oh you have one you’ll have another…pssh! No biggie just relax. (and I give them a telepathic punch to the face with my mind)
I don’t know what the best advice is, fake it til you make it always seems to be my default. *hugs*
Post # 11
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
I honestly don’t think you can stop people from asking, as much as we wish we could!
You could try something simple but honest that shares your struggle. For example you could say, “Not everyone gets to choose their timing. If it were up to us, we’d already have another by now.” That would hopefully stop the questioning.
Or you could say a more lighthearted, “We’ll have a second one just as soon as we can find a stork to bring one!”
Post # 12
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
HaaaveYouMetTed : I know. The worst. She didn’t know but oh man….
Sunshine09 : We are in a very similar situation. Its rough. My SIL is very lucky to be pregnant and has very limited TTC options for another biologically hers baby. It therefore causes so much non-understanding for our struggle and they coddle her like crazy. She “may only have one,” so she can’t lift a piece of paper, eat any food, go to her inlaws in the southern part of the U.S. (cause zika). They have always coddled her, but this has brought the coddling to a whole new level now that her genetically hers kid options are limited. It also doesn’t help that she is not a nice person. My inlaws are the nicest people and she is awful!! End rant. I want to say that I totally feel for my SIL’s TTC struggles but they have definitely overshadowed our stuggles.
Post # 13
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
LittleByLittle : I said something like that to my Father-In-Law yesterday. My inlwas have been asking non-stop about when we are going to turn our son forward facing. Yesterday it was just Father-In-Law, my son, and me in the car and he asked when it is recommended to turn them forward facing. (I was glad that he asked better than times before.) I told him what I’ve researched and decided on doing and part of that was “well, I was planning on keeping him rearfacing until we had another one and then I’d flip him forward and put the new baby in his spot but we’ve seen how well that worked out….” He knows we had the ectopic last fall. The conversation quickly changed.
Post # 14
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
I would just say something vague like “we’ll see if we have another/maybe someday/if it happens it happens”. It took 18 months to get our first baby (surgery, meds, testing…) all while my brother and SIL and close friends got pregnant. I would just brush it off and say something vague if anyone asked. I didn’t want people to know we were trying and it wasn’t happening because that made me feel weird, so I just kept it light and they wouldn’t push it. I think people just ask to make conversation, so just take it as such and say what you feel comfortable saying.
Post # 15
Member
9204 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
MrsBG : That sucks and I’m sorry. If you’ve done the polite “thank you but we don’t want to discuss our family planning” and they still push I would go straight to full bitch mode. That’s what I did. If people want to be rude then that’s what they get back! We had a few people be overly pushy and a straight faced “because we are
[email protected]# infertile” But then of course you get the suggestions on how you possibly aren’t trying hard enough and then they get “unless you are our fertility doctors you can shut the @#$# up about it now”. Still won’t stop? Leave. Straight up. I have ZERO problem making a scene though.