TTC with husband with low sex drive?

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m in a similar situation (I’m 29, he’s 36 and has a low sex drive, well lower than mine anyway). So far we have not been successful in TTC but it’s early days.
Would you consider marking your most fertile days on the calendar so he can ‘plan’ for sex on those days and get in the mindset before either one of you actually makes a move?

Post # 3
Member
1283 posts
Bumble bee

I read an article that said that major issue in fertility is the fact that couples don’t have enough sex. If I recall correctly that article said that 4 times a week would be optimal.

I’m sorry but I have to ask. are they commited to the trying? I mean for me personally wanting to have a child would equal to lot of sex. or is this a new occurrence or was it the same before TTC?

Post # 4
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

koiocha :  I don’t have much advice, other than to add I feel like I’m in the same boat as you. I’m 32, Darling Husband 38 and we’ve been together a total of 6 years, married this past July. I feel like his sex drive has just sunk over the past few years, to the point where he went to see a urologist some time last year, and was told he’s fine, normal testosterone levels. In the past month, we’ve BD once, this seems to be about average.

In terms of TTC, we officially started this past September and only BD once during my FW and that was all my initiation. Unfortunately I have long 37-38 day cycles. I’m coming off Mirena, so I hope it shortens, but needless to say, BDing at least EOD in my FW is a big goal, otherwise it’s a whole 6 week wait until my next FW. I’m currently in my FW, expected to O anytime from now and the next 2 days…at least I think. For all I know I might have O already, as all weekend I’ve had positive OPKs. Darling Husband and I work very different schedules so I know that’s another challenge, but when we have times like last night where he’s just not into it , let’s wait until the weekend when he’s off work, I just get so frustrated. I totally get if your Darling Husband is not into it, how does that make us want to be in the mood either. I don’t know what it’s like to be TTC for a year, but am hoping things improve for both our situations. Who wants to possibly conceive knowing they coerced their husband to BD?

I realized he must not understand how this works, I just assumed he did. I’ll be sending him this link to read later today:  https://yourfertility.org.au/for-men/the-best-time-for-conception/ So I hope this might help. I plan to have a very open conversation with him tonight. Let’s see how this goes.

Looking forward to reading other bees suggestions as well!

 

Post # 5
Member
2659 posts
Sugar bee

BD’ing during the FW, multiple times, definitely increases the odds of conceiving, this is true. That being said, I would hazard to guess that 90%+ of men haven’t been informed what that actually means. It’s a very short window when the egg is actually viable – but many don’t really know this. I first had to educate Darling Husband and get him involved in my cycle (to the point where he was asking about CM around ‘that time’), and THEN he felt invested enough and informed enough to “initiate for purpose.” 

All of that being said, since I had been tracking my cycle for months and knew within hours of when I was actually ovulating, we only BD twice the cycle we conceived our son (currently 25 Weeks pregnant). It was well timed, with BD’ing hours before the egg dropped, swimmers were there and waiting!

Take the time to really understand your cycle, the ins and outs as well as you can – chart with temp, OPKs, cervical position, CM, all of it, then educate Darling Husband. You may find with some understanding, it’ll be easier for him to initiate because it’s not just sex for sex. While that’s great (and welcome!), when you’re battling a low sex drive in a partner, it may be easier to be like “these are the days, buck up bud,” and actually get the results you want. 

And once he’s invested in your cycle, you won’t feel like you “coerced” him into conceiving. It’ll feel like a real team effort to get your miracle!

Post # 6
Member
7850 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Have you actually talked to him about how TTC works? I am not saying this to be snarky lol – but many adult men (my husband included, before I enlightened him) do not understand the concept of “ovulation” or “the fertile window” and they just think you can pretty much get pregnant at any time generally in the middleish time of your cycle. Which is not the case for a lot of women!  Just because you have a 28 day cycle, doesn’t necessarily mean you O on day 14. You could O on day 11 or 12 and have a longer luteal phase, or you could O on day 17 or 18 and have a shorter LP. Or many other possibilities.

Here’s my advice: start charting. You’ve been at this for a year with no luck so I think it’s time to get scientific. By taking your temperature and using OPKs, you can pretty precisely pinpoint when you ovulate and thus when you need to BD. Explain how this works to your husband and that in order to be successful, you will need to actually schedule BD during the 3-5 days before you ovulate.

I also want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think TTC on the whole tends to be harder for women cause it’s our bodies that are gooing through the cycle every month, but the BD part – that’s pretty much all on the man. I don’t know about you, but my sex drive is not something that can be scheduled, so I’m glad I don’t really have to “perform” during BD. If I’m not in the mood, it doesn’t matter a whole lot – my husband is the one that has to get it up and successfully ejaculate. For a man with a low sex drive or insecurity issues about performance, that’s a hell of a lot of pressure! So I think it’s important to tread carefully with him and be sensitive, but also, after a year of TTC, I think it’s time for a direct conversation where you explain how this actually works and  start getting more scientific about it.

Post # 7
Member
5068 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’ve read and been told through a number of sources that when TTC having sex every other day is advised.  I realize it may not be fun and sexy but after a year of unprotected sex and wanting a child I’d have a serious talk with my husband about committing to the cause and increasing the frequency of sex.

I should add that I am new to TTC myself and see my OBGYN in two days to discuss so my input is by no means expert, seasoned advice. 

Post # 8
Member
1601 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Hubby doesn’t have a low sex drive, but I always have. Truthfully, I keep track of my fertile week and whether we feel up to it or not we do it. Then we have the rest of the month to play around a bit. 

Post # 9
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee

You might want to start temping, charting, etc to pinpoint your exact date (or close to it) of ovulation so you can have some scheduled sex. My husband and I probably had sex 1-2 times a week before TTC. I had my ovulation date pinpointed down, so we had sex every other day leading up to it and after it as well as to not miss the window. Sometimes we were tired but we did it. I had to wake him up to get the deed done at times. It’s not the most sexy thing in the world, but TTC sex isn’t sometimes. Anyway, I’m halfway through my pregnancy now. 

Post # 10
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

MsPlucky :  tiffanybruiser :  I know I’m not the OP, but thank you both for your insight and suggestions. My takeaway is educate, educate, educate. 

Post # 11
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would start figuring out your fertile days and focusing on that. And does he want a baby? I mean the effort involved is just not always sexy or romantic. You “just do it” a la Nike because you want kids. I would be disappointed if “lack of sex drive” was his excuse. He needs to be more cooperative regardless of how tired he is IMO.

Post # 12
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

There are only 2-3 days that you can get pregnant per month.  Something like 95% of women who are pregnant had sex in that 3 day window.  You definitely should start charting so that you can be sure to have sex in the window! 

Can you talk to him about this and decide together that you will both try your hardest to have sex on the day or two that really matter?  At this point, I would think that you guys need a game plan.

Has he seen his doctor about his low drive?  Hormone check, etc?

Post # 13
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK

I’m not sure how helpful this will be, as we aren’t TTC, but my Fiance has a significantly lower sex drive than I do. I could seriously go daily, whereas he’d probably be more of a once a month guy.

I’ve stopped being coy about it, and instead I just tell him “I want to XYZ you later” or “I can’t wait for you to ABC me at the weekend”. I’ll admit that sometimes I’d prefer a subtle initiation, but outright setting of expectations has increased my chances of getting lucky. That’s not to say that I demand/expect sex even if I know he’s not in the mood, but giving him some notice allows him time to get in the mood as it sends his mind wandering in that direction.

Post # 14
Member
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband also has a lower sex drive then me. When it came to ttc, I had to explain to him exactly how it worked. In fact, we watched The Great Sperm Race on YouTube. That was helpful to him to see just how NOT easy it is to get pregnant. In our relationship, he was the one with baby fever so he pushed himself to have sex EOD even if he was too tired/not in the mood/whatever else excuse he had. I think it would be helpful to explain to your husband exactly how difficult it is to get pregnant and if he really wants to have a baby he needs to step it up. 

Post # 15
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My Fiance is 13yrs older than me so while it was fire in the beginning, weʻve settled into a really comfortable mellow life (better in every way but the bedroom!) and i could do it all day any day but he doesnʻt work like that unfortunately But at 38, he truly had no idea what ovulation, implantation, or testing even meant, not a clue. He assumed that as long as we did it once in a great while there was going to be an egg there so why pressure and freak out about certain days? Ah-hah! our first month was a total learning curve. Going into the 2nd month weʻre much more prepared and educated I feel. 

One special thing weʻre trying this month is saving it for the fertile window, meaning refraining best we can until the fertile window so heʻll be more into it and there will be more baby sauce available.

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