(Closed) TTC with husband with low sex drive?

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 16
661 posts
Busy bee

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koiocha :  how much does he want a baby? Bee I’m sorry to hear this :/ I am TTC myself and apparently there’s a ton involved with timing and it’s not easy to get pregnant you have to do a lot of planning. Can you blame it on the doctor? My husband works nonstop too. The doctor told me to do it every other day on cycle days 11-18 and take women’s 1 a day. Can you tell him thr doctor recommends this and could you guys plan on that? Will he care more if the doctor is saying that?

Post # 18
3599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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danakxox :  Not to threadjack, but I just wanted to say that from what I’ve read, if you wait too long between ejacualations (a week? a couple weeks? can’t quite remember), the first time it will be full of dead sperm and obviously less effective.  So they recommend doing a clean-out of sorts before you are in the fertile window.  TCOYF had a section about it, if I recall – you might check it out.

Post # 19
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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lolotwo :  oh thank you so much for that reminder!  Iʻll go back and read that chapter. Weʻve sadly gotten down to once a week but we did manage 3x in our fertile window, just hope it wasnt all dead haha

Post # 20
9792 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you should start temping and charting.

I had regular 25-26 day cycles but a short luteal phase (9-10 days) so I was O’ing on day 16 or so.  An app estimating my fertile week would probably say I was O’ing around day 12 or 13. Even being off a few days from what you think your fertile period is makes a big difference.  Sperm can live up to 5 days so you have to have sex within that window to have a shot. Being off on O day by 2 or 3 days makes a big difference.  You don’t need to have sex every day during that time, once is enough for a chance and 2x is plenty. Both of my babies were from sex one time and my second was an O-5 baby (a 5 day old sperm lol). But get within 3 days of O and the odds are best (20-25% chance).

Post # 22
1516 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I was in the same boat. My husband has a lower sex drive than I do. Also, doing the deed because we needed to also seemed to decrease his drive. We were also dealing with myself having PCOS and being on fertility meds in order to ovulate. I agree with the other posters about educating your husband about your cycle and figuring out what days that you are actually fertile. Make him his own calendar if you have to. I was tracking my cycle and taking my temp, but my husband rarely looked at it, and if he did, it was gibberish to him. 

My husband is a numbers guy and he needed the details and to be educated. This was all foreign to him and a huge learning curve. I also found that things finally clicked for him when I showed him this chart to show that doing it “tomorrow” if I were ovulating today is counterproductive. 

Image result for chance of pregnancy 3 days before ovulation

Post # 23
961 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

OP has he had a SA done at some point? I mean having not enough sex is one thimg.. but what if his sperm is less than perfect..

Post # 25
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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rez123 :  I think so too. My husband and I don’t really have sex much during the week because of busy jobs and being tired etc but once we decided to TTC we were both super committed and ramped it up to everyday from my period ending until the week before af was next due. We got pregnant that cycle, first go.

I don’t think you can’t honestly say you’re ‘TTC’ if you’re barely trying? I think the numbers get skewed like crazy because of people who claim to try for a year with no luck meanwhile they’re just having sex on the odd day here and there. No charting or opks or cm checking or anything. I know way too many people who got pregnant by mistake for it to be as hard as people make it out to be. 

Just an opinion. But OP, if you guys want a baby, you need to have more sex. Even if it’s a means to an end, that’s how babies are made homie!! 

Post # 26
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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koiocha :  If you don’t want to temp or chart, are you at least monitoring your CM and BD-ing when you notice watery or eggwhite CM? I just feel like if you’re doing nothing to monitor your cycle other than tracking your period, you really could be totally missing your fertile window. There are like 3 days in the month where you’re truly fertile, and for a women with a 28 day cycle, it could be anywhere from cycle days 9-18 or something. Like I said before the fact that you have a 28 day cycle does not mean you’re necessarily ovulating on day 14.

Post # 27
2188 posts
Buzzing bee

That is so tough. We had the same issue. It was nervewracking, because ovulation window is so small and when DH didn’t feel like bding during that time I was beyond frustrated. I used opks and tracked, so it was stressing me out to track and than see the window pass by and not even having a chance that month. We both really wanted a baby, but DH was a once a month type person so for him to do it even few days in a row was too much. And I felt like I was pressuring him, and that caused a lot of tension. That was probably the most stressful time for me in our relationship by far. Even though the testing turned out normal, we could not get pregnant for a while and turned to fertility treatments. As stressful as the IUI/IVF journey was, it was honestly much less stressful that ttcing on our own with very low drive. At least the drs took charge of all the timing, and that was a huge relief. Maybe if your situation gets to that point – you can try IUI. Dr times your cycle exactly, and it is much less expensive/involved than IVF.

Post # 28
94 posts
Worker bee

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koiocha :  Are you two on the same page about TTC. And is it a priority for you to get pregnant now? Is he ready for you to be pregnant? I would sit down and let him know that if you guys want to be serious about getting a positive, then you need to make a concerted effort to do it as much as possible. Esp around ovulation.

If there’s no rush or it’s not a priority situation, it’s easy to not have sex. I get it, DH and I have our standing Sunday morning romp but other than that, it’s rare during the week. However, we know we don’t want to actively TTC until later in 2018 so that’s fine for right now. We’re not expecting a positive so there’s no reason to change our sex life yet.

However, once we get back from Europe, it’s gonna be “go time” and I’ll have to have a sit down chat with him about what that entails in regards to our frequency. I’m not a 4x a week gal either but knowinng we want children, we both need agree that even when we’re not feeling particularly sexy, we go for it. I look at it the same way I look at using Preseed — we don’t normally need or use lube — but for the sake of increasing our fertility, we’ll go outside our comfort zone. It can’t hurt, right? 

That’s us though. We’re type A and very organized and buttoned up and really just knock things off to do lists, so unfortunately, TTC will be approached the same way. If we were younger, we’d love to just let it happen when it happens, but we’ll be 35 and so I will be temping, charting, etc.

I would really feel your DH out about how much he wants a kid and then nicely but firmly explain that until you get your BFP, you guys will just have to make that extra effort to get it done. Maybe i’m wrong here, but it doesn’t necessarily need to be the most romantic and hot and steamy session of your lives. 

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