(Closed) Tug of War with In-Laws!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

you just say that youre alternating holidays and the next free one youll spend with his family. alternating holidays is pretty standard after marriage anyway

Post # 4
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Which family did you last visit? We always take turns with holidays. We spent last xmas with my DH’s family (they live in another state. An 18 hour drive) so we’ll spend this one with my family.

Post # 6
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@UJSMCWG06:  I advise you alternate. This year it’s your family, next year it’s his. And there’s nothing wrong with starting with your family since they’ve shown more interest in you.

So you reply something like, “Sorry but we can only visit one family at Thanksgiving. This year it’s my family, next year it’ll be yours”.

(p.s. I assume your husband’s on board with this, since you haven’t indicated otherwise).

Post # 7
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

Do what works and feels best for you two!

Post # 8
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Which family did you spend your last important holiday with? If it was his family, I’d use the alternating holidays excuse. If it wasn’t, just say that you are spending it with your side because they make such a consistent effort to come visit you that you need to return the favor by visiting them.

I understand how you feel. Fiance and I don’t have kids, but my eldest sister does. Eldest sister, younger sister, my mother, and I all lived within an hour of each other for years. Eldest sister and her family moved out of the area (to a place where most of the rest of our extended family lives), 12 hour drive away. Although younger sister and I have no other family here, our mother has already decided to drive down and spend the holidays with older sister and the grandkids. Even though they have tons of family to celebrate, and younger sister and I will be alone! 

Post # 9
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You can’t please everyone. I have learned this with my Future in-laws. I swear my fiance and I could spend eery weekend with them and theyd still complain that we never hung out with them

Even if you alternate they probably won’t be totally pleased but at the very least they’ll be able to learn to be ok with it.

Post # 10
84 posts
Worker bee

I would just tell her that you will be spending it with your side of the family since they have come and visited you sooooo many times and therefore you feel that’s it’s time that you makes the trip now when you have the opportunity to return the favour 😉

i don’t have time to run after people that should care about making an effort of spending time with me, the little time I have left will be spend on those that makes an effort for me as well, family or not……


Post # 11
1868 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m currently in the same dilemma, sorta. My family and I live in one state, my fiance in another (which I’ll be moving to after we get married), and his family in another state. We’ve had the holiday talk maybe 6 or 7 times now and we still haven’t figured out exactly what we’re doing every year because with his work, he gets off every Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, but can only take an extended vacay on one of those holidays. And since we will be living far from both families, we coudldn’t travel for 4-5 days and alternate each holiday every year because of the time off. And we obviously can’t travel for only ONE day’s worth of holiday time. We can only pick one to travel to and one family to see. We’re focusing on Thanksgiving and I think we’ve decided that I’ll go to his family this year, next year we’ll come to my family, and the following year, we are thinking of hosting and having both families come to us. We’ll see. This is the one thing I which I could change in our relationship. I’m so envious of couples where both themselves and their families live in the same city. Makes things so much easier…

Post # 12
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Older Bee here…

What you do this year, the first year you are married is sooo important as it will set the prescident for the rest of your marriage

You don’t want to get into a p!ssing match on which family does more for you (therefore is more important in your eyes)


Try to treat each family equally… if you have kids down the road you’ll appreciate having this rule… less whining (lol, by the Grandparents)

So whoever you went to visit last, should be odd-man out this time.  “Sorry… just the way it is… the reality of we only have so much time off”

My Best Advice… Start now and divide YOUR TIME up between the 2 families as equally as possible…

And that is YOUR TIME… when someone comes to you that is a BONUS and doesn’t count against them.

Ie… Thanksgiving 2013 with Your Family… Easter 2014 Your Family surprises you and comes to yours… You are still on target for Thanksgiving 2014 with His Family.

Hope this helps,


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