(Closed) Turned down by church. Please no judging. A little upset.

posted 5 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@emviamama:  that’s so WRONG. ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

probably best someone that judgmental doesn’t marry you two anyway. 

Post # 4
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

I know of many pastors who would have done the same. I have a friend who was kicked out of his church because he was living with his Girlfriend and refused to move out. Sorry this happened to you, but at least your ceremony won’t be preformed by someone who holds very different views from you and your Fiance.


Post # 5
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

To be honest, this is why I’m not into the church or organized religion. I think all that matters is being a good person.

Post # 7
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Your ideals obviously don’t fit his and that’s okay, but that’s what it would take for him to marry you- it’s actually pretty common for them to require that from what I’ve seen on here, and isn’t any deviation from what the church preaches consisted a mistake in technical terms? Do you guys go to church?

Post # 8
349 posts
Helper bee

You didn’t mention which denomination this was, but you might check with some that are more liberal; look for those that ordain women, don’t have a problem with gays, etc.  You might check United Methodist, Unitarian or Disciples of Christ congregations in your area. Good luck!

Post # 10
150 posts
Blushing bee

@emviamama:  Wow! I find that strange! Like you said, it’s 2013!! I feel that many couples find it very important to live together before getting engaged/married.

To be honest, I’ve never personally heard of any of my friends/relatives having a situation like this. I’m Catholic, and knowing how strict Catholic churches are, this kind of scares me a little! My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I want to move in together within the next year and then get engaged. I would be floored if we weren’t allowed to get married in my church because we were living together!

I understand the formality behind these traditions and what is right and wrong in each religion, but the times are changing…

I’m interested to see what others have to say.

Post # 11
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I wouldn’t take it too personally. It sounds like he takes his religion seriously and that’s perfectly fine…you can find someone else. Have you thought of having a secular ceremony?

Post # 12
4950 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Many churches have that policy. The religion commands certain behavior, if you don’t believe in their codes of conduct, why get married in a church? That’s why we didn’t get married in a Catholic church. 

Some churches are less… er, old school than others. If being married in a church is important you could interview at some others. 

IMO, no child or loving relationship is a “mistake” in the Lord’s eyes. I would be very hurt by that insinuation. I feel bad that this guy spent so many hours in a church and somehow missed the message about caring for each other and not judging. 


Post # 13
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Religious institutions have the right to have their own rules.  It sucks that he turned you down, but there’s probably somewhere else with views more compatible with your lifestyle.

Post # 14
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Laurenskii:  Is it wrong?  YES.

But…..if you want to be part of a religion don’t you have to play the game?  From my understanding you don’t get to pick and choose what to follow, religion isn’t a think of convenience.  

If the church says A, B and C is wrong then don’t expect them to bend the rules.  Their house, their rules so-to-speak.

That being said – I’m not one for church or religion – doesn’t really fit into my lifestyle.

OP – I’m sorry you’re hurting – 


Post # 15
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t take it personally. I don’t see why any pastor should be obliged to marry someone if it goes against their principles or the principles of their church. Personally I don’t think a pastor should take that stand, and I know my pastor will marry people living together, but this pastor is entitled to his approach. Don’t take it personally, and find another pastor or officiant.

Post # 16
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@emviamama:  My husband is a Christian pastor, and he also has this same policy when marrying couples. So do a great many other Christian pastors.

Please understand that this policy is not intended to hurt, offend, or upset couples but, rather it is designed so that the pastors and the couples are able to honor and obey God.

I realize that this may be a very difficult distinction to make and understand, but I do not believe that this pastor intended to imply that your two precious, beloved daughters themselves  are mistakes. They are not. God loves  them. He gave them life, and He has good plans for their lives.  However, God’s Word is very clear regarding the fact that He intends sex to be experienced within a marriage relationship only.

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