@8ozdragon: “I was having a very bad day, just needed some one to be an anonymous friend. Weddingbees is clearly the wrong place xD”
I am sorry you are having a bad day, and wish you weren’t. I can understand your trepidation about marrying someone $10k in debt and unable to travel on it’s own merit. Those are real issues. I think if it’s so important to you that he be able to travel with you you have two choices. Either you help him pay it off and work with him so that it gets paid off as soon as reasonable (limiting some spending but still having a life/not feeling like you two are giving up everything). Or you cut ties and find someone who can do what you want now.
The problem with asking friends, even anonymous ones online what they think about X is, they are likely to have opinions on Y that is mentioned in relation to X. Especially if those are red flag issues for some. I think it’s perfect reasonable to see a red flag that this man hasn’t seen his child in three years. Unless you never want kids, this could be your future too, and a friend is likely to point that out, whether you want to hear it or not. I’ve had friends do it to me, I’ve done it for friends in real life for whatever reason, that’s what friends are for… to watch out for us. Even if we don’t agree, even if we do it anyway. Please don’t take the concern for you from the Bee as other than how it is meant. We do care, even though we’re just strangers looking at words on a screen.
How would you feel if it was you, and he moved away for a job, can’t get up the money (or work with you) to see YOU for three years, you’d be ok with phone and Skype and gifts? I imagine you’d be upset and expect to see him at least once a year or something. Now imagine you’re a kid and that’s your dad that doesn’t see you in person. Maybe you’d be fine with it as an adult or even a kid, but most people wouldn’t.
Also, I don’t think your SO is a bad person. I wouldn’t even say he’s a bad father, but I think he could be doing a lot more. Even seeing her once a year (for a longer type visit) would be an awesome improvement over never. Even if it means a greyhound trip for him or flying the kid on a cheap flight. My DH’s parents were bad parents, just totally inept. But they still made an effort to see him. They flipped him back and forth over the years but whoever had custody still worked with the other to make it possible for the other to have visits, even when they lived hundreds of miles apart. I once dated a man who said he’d never live more than 45 minutes from his daughter until she graduated high school (we didn’t work out for unrelated reasons). I’ve known lots of low income people who have moved Heaven and Earth to see their kids, no matter the reason they were far apart. I don’t even want kids and personally wouldn’t be serious with someone who couldn’t be motivated to see their child for three years, to ME that’s huge. Because when someone is motivated, they make it work (short of being on house arrest or something but that’s a seperate issue lol).
That’s my thoughts and opinions, they are mine alone in this post. They are mentioned and said out of concern for you and your future. Please know that the vast majority that is said is because people want the best for you. You don’t have to agree, infact you don’t even have to acknowledge they (or I) posted (the beauty of an anonymous forum).
Whatever you do, whatever you choose I really do hope you work things out and that you find the best solution for you.
ETA: I don’t know how I got the funny font. :/ … or better yet why it’s normal in the edit!