(Closed) Turned Down/Child Support :(

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

What I don’t understand is that OP is putting off engagement/marriage because her BF can’t travel internationally. She wants him to travel with her. But she’s going to travel in the interim?

How is traveling without your boyfriend different than traveling without your husband?

 

Post # 48
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@bebero:  +100

Post # 50
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

 Oh look, another poster who didn’t get the answers she wanted to hear and is now going to passive aggressively post private messages. 

OP,  you may not  realize it, but the vast majority of answers here do directly relate to your question:  whether or not you should marry this man.  Personally, I wouldn’t let international travel take priority over someone I loved and wanted to build a life with, especially if it was temporary.  I’d be more concerned with where the money for international travel is going to come from if he can’t pay his back child support and can’t afford to see his daughter anytime in the last three years.  It sounds like you’re viewing this situation through rose- coloured glasses.

Post # 51
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@8ozdragon:  I dont get it – what is the difference between travelling without him now versus travelling without him when he is your husband? If you plan on staying with him regardless I don’t get why you can’t marry before the debt is paid.

Post # 52
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Owing 10K in back child support > being able to travel internationally.

Not seeing your child in three years > being able to travel internationally.

Owing 10K in back child support & not seeing your child in three years > getting engaged.

Just saying.

Post # 53
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

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@practicallyme:  I was thinking the same thing. She’s traveling without him anyway. What does that have to do with marriage?

Post # 54
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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@lifegirl:  I am making excuses for who? And whom am I not a good match for?

Post # 55
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@8ozdragon: I was having a very bad day, just needed some one to be an anonymous friend. Weddingbees is clearly the wrong place xD”

I am sorry you are having a bad day, and wish you weren’t.  I can understand your trepidation about marrying someone $10k in debt and unable to travel on it’s own merit.  Those are real issues.  I think if it’s so important to you that he be able to travel with you you have two choices.  Either you help him pay it off and work with him so that it gets paid off as soon as reasonable (limiting some spending but still having a life/not feeling like you two are giving up everything).  Or you cut ties and find someone who can do what you want now.

The problem with asking friends, even anonymous ones online what they think about X is, they are likely to have opinions on Y that is mentioned in relation to X.  Especially if those are red flag issues for some.  I think it’s perfect reasonable to see a red flag that this man hasn’t seen his child in three years.  Unless you never want kids, this could be your future too, and a friend is likely to point that out, whether you want to hear it or not.  I’ve had friends do it to me, I’ve done it for friends in real life for whatever reason, that’s what friends are for… to watch out for us.  Even if we don’t agree, even if we do it anyway.  Please don’t take the concern for you from the Bee as other than how it is meant.  We do care, even though we’re just strangers looking at words on a screen.

How would you feel if it was you, and he moved away for a job, can’t get up the money (or work with you) to see YOU for three years, you’d be ok with phone and Skype and gifts?  I imagine you’d be upset and expect to see him at least once a year or something.  Now imagine you’re a kid and that’s your dad that doesn’t see you in person.  Maybe you’d be fine with it as an adult or even a kid, but most people wouldn’t.

Also, I don’t think your SO is a bad person.  I wouldn’t even say he’s a bad father, but I think he could be doing a lot more.  Even seeing her once a year (for a longer type visit) would be an awesome improvement over never.  Even if it means a greyhound trip for him or flying the kid on a cheap flight.  My DH’s parents were bad parents, just totally inept.  But they still made an effort to see him.  They flipped him back and forth over the years but whoever had custody still worked with the other to make it possible for the other to have visits, even when they lived hundreds of miles apart.  I once dated a man who said he’d never live more than 45 minutes from his daughter until she graduated high school (we didn’t work out for unrelated reasons).  I’ve known lots of low income people who have moved Heaven and Earth to see their kids, no matter the reason they were far apart.  I don’t even want kids and personally wouldn’t be serious with someone who couldn’t be motivated to see their child for three years, to ME that’s huge.  Because when someone is motivated, they make it work (short of being on house arrest or something but that’s a seperate issue lol).

That’s my thoughts and opinions, they are mine alone in this post.  They are mentioned and said out of concern for you and your future.  Please know that the vast majority that is said is because people want the best for you.  You don’t have to agree, infact you don’t even have to acknowledge they (or I) posted (the beauty of an anonymous forum).

Whatever you do, whatever you choose I really do hope you work things out and that you find the best solution for you.

 ETA: I don’t know how I got the funny font. :/   … or better yet why it’s normal in the edit!

 

 

 

Post # 57
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand that you are asking if you are right in holding off on getting engaged until your boyfriend can travel.  I don’t understand why this matters.  You are going to travel with or without him… so why does being engaged change anything?  Do you think it will be different to travel without your boyfriend than it will be to travel without your fiance or husband?  It is just a title, although a lovely one, the person doesn’t change.

You are talking about traveling internationally and you mentioned that your boyfriend hasn’t seen his daughter in three years.  Many, including myself, probably think that international traveling shouldn’t even be on the table when he hasn’t seen his daughter.  Can you put your traveling on hold and go visit (or meet?) your future step daughter… or atleast pay so that your boyfriend can see her? 

 

 

Post # 58
Member
4925 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@8ozdragon:  i’m a little concerned that he doesn’t see his child often and that in 3 years you haven’t made a point of meeting her….

IDK…..Times are hard…but if he has owed this debt for longer than the three years you’ve been together Id be concerned….If he sent her $11 everyday over the last 3 years that debt would have been paid by now. (very easy to save $11 dollars a day)

i’m not a parent but If that situation occured and I unfortunately owed money for the care of my child….I would flip burgers on the side of my regular job to pay it back ASAP.

I think you did the right thing in telling him you wouldn’t marry him until this was sorted….but for a completely different reason to what you have stated!

Good luck and I hope you encourage him to see his child more…

Post # 59
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@8ozdragon: I’m not saying any of this to be mean to you, just my honest opinion…

I also would never marry a man who owes $10K in child support. I receive child support. I very honestly need it in order to support my children and there’s good reason why it’s court ordered. I’m honestly very surprised that he’s not in jail. I guess CA is very different from PA. Why is he sending extra gifts to his daughter when he’s been behind in paying for her support for over 3 years?! That doesn’t look like good parenting to me, that looks like buying her off instead of giving her mother the money she needs to clothe, feed and shelter this child. He should call her or send her a letter (both very cheap) and pay her support. From my point of view (though I am sure you haven’t posted every detail, so I’m just going off the original post) if he wanted to pay off his back child support so he could travel the world with you he would. I’ve never heard of child support enforcement refusing payments. He should be down to bare bones living in order to pay that back ASAP. I mean really, 3 years! 

I’m all for someone realizing their mistake and turning over a new leaf, but he doesn’t seem to be doing that. The fact that this is holding him back from having a full life with you and he’s doing nothing to change that says something about his character. If you want a husband who is responsible and has the ability to get a passport then this guy needs to really step up to the plate and do something about it. You were well within reason to tell him you would not accept a proposal in the current situation.

Post # 60
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My dad moved away from us when I was 14. My brothers were 12 and 9. Guess how that fared for us? Sure, he had his ‘reasons’, but no amount of money or birthday cards will make up for him abandoning us, much like it won’t make up for your boyfriend abandoning his daughter to help take care of someone else’s child. Let’s just get that straight. (And, regardless of how he thinks it went down – his daughter will almost DEFINITELY view her dad as the guy that moved away from her – oh the issues she’ll have when she’s older.)

OP, you mentioned something about not really knowing his daughter or having a relationship with her – THAT should be something you should be basing your readiness for marriage on, not traveling for leisure. Your priorities don’t seem to be in the right order here. 

If it were me, and I chose to stay with him despite what his relationship is with his daughter, the FIRST thing I would do is to discuss, as a couple, how to finish paying back the child support. I mean, if you have the money to see the world, you have the money to help. THEN I would talk about marriage and travel. You have the rest of your life to go wherever you want. Poor you, that you can’t go exactly when you want to with your bf because he has responsibilities to uphold first. 

Post # 61
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

I would never DATE someone that owed child support.  The only reason he is paying now is because they are garnishing his wages!!

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