(Closed) Turning down a "bridesmaid" Please help!

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

Awkward because you didn’t shut it down at first but sorry you’re in this situation. I nearly asked a flake to be Bridesmaid or Best Man amd Fiance talked me out of it – she ditched the wedding for a new fella. So I’d stick to your guns on this. 

When it comes up again, just say ‘I’m thrilled you’re excited but I’ve not made a decision about my wedding party yet. Fiance and I need to discuss it’

Post # 3
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

spinningbutterfly:  How many bridesmaids do you plan on having, and how many are relatives? It is possible to a positive spin on it, e.g. “My only bridesmaids are my sisters, plus X and Y who are my two closest friends”. Definitely don’t mention her negative qualities.

In general, you don’t go out of your way to tell someone they’re not a BM; but if they bring it up then it’s a good idea to correct them.

Post # 4
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You dont have to say anything, by you not asking her will be the tell. if she brings it up tell her “I love you and would love you to do a reading (or not) but my bridal party is chosen and we are so looking forward to celebrating our day with you.”

Post # 5
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

Wow, this is hard for me to read as I am trying to decide on including my absolute best friend of 5 years in my wedding after silence due to major newfound differences in morals and life paths. I want her there and I feel like I need her there, but I don’t want my day ruined or to get upset because of her presence. If this girl has bailed on previous weddings, express your concern to her if you want to work her into the wedding party. If you don’t just let her down gently and do what aussiemum said.

Post # 6
Member
2805 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You need to let her down (gently) ASAP!! The longer she thinks she’s a bridesmaid, the worse it is going to be for you. I agree with a PP that you could start by telling her that you’ve made no decisions about the bridal party yet… maybe whether or not there will be one, the size of it, etc. Hopefully she gets the point. If not- you are going to need to be blunt and tell her she simply didn’t make the cut (but you can’t wait to celebrate with her). 

Post # 7
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

At the risk of being totally frank.. she sounds dramatic. Odds are if you are not interested in her drama you two will drift apart eventually anyways. Don’t hinge an important item of your day around someone who isn’t likely to be your friend by your 10 year anniversary (this also works as a helpful guideline when forming your guest list). Your wedding day is not the day to be doing old friends favors, especially in a role that could really make things stressful for you.

Where I’m going with this is, sadly I’ve seen weddings rip many a friendship apart and by the sounds of it she is not going to take this news well unless you have a really good spin ready (like, “I’m only having my relatives”) etc. So be prepared to deal with the worst, and if she gets upset remember it’s her problem not yours that she is taking it so personally. It will blow over, as long as long you don’t feed into it or let it get to you. If it doesn’t, clearly you didn’t need her in your life anyways.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m interested to hear what happens, because I have a similar situation!  My friend lives far away, so it’s not like she really knows what’s happening with the wedding planning, so I haven’t had to deal with it…yet. 

Post # 9
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m struggling with something related. A good friend of mine (for like 25 years) has literally gone off the deep end – like ended up in a mental facility for a short stint. On top of things, she’s a classic narcissist, can’t stand not to have all the attention and quite dramatic (as in “oh my life is sooooo terrible” 24/7/365). 

At the age of 41 I just cannot tolerate this kind of drama (nor could I when I was in my 20s), but particularly at my wedding. Initially I thought about asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor because she’s been my friend the longest and then I realized that I’ve been HER friend for 25 years and she’s maybe been mine for 3 years out of that (VERY selfish individual). 

So not only am I not asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I’m not asking her to be in the wedding at all! I know when she eventually realizes this to be the case, there will be drama, but sometimes you just gotta do what your gut tells you to do. 

Best of luck and it’s YOUR day…if you’re like me, you require it to be DRAMA FREE!!

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee

spinningbutterfly:  I agree with xoxoxowhitney. Chances are, if you two are not good friends at the moment and she has a history of being dramatic, there may not be much left to this friendship to survive. It sounds like you want to let her down with the least amount of backlash. In most cases, dramatic people are also irrational people and that’s where the drama stems from.

Set firm boundaries and don’t give her much unformation. When she asks you about your Bridal party, just say “I am still deciding. I have not made a choice”. If she starts telling people she’s in it, interupt her and say “Dramafriend, I have not chosen my bridal party yet and I rather not discuss this right now”. If she blows up, keep repeating your boundaries. “Dramafriend, I have not chosen my bridal party yet and I rather not discuss this right now”. 

If she finds out later she is not in the bridal party and confronts you, just say “It was a hard decision for me, I hope you understand. I still want you to be there on my weddingday and to celebrate with me”. If she still acts irrational, this is not your problem. Stop talking to her and let her cool down. “Sorry, I have to go”. If she keeps going past your comfort zone, then it might be time to decide if she’s worth having as a guest. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  socialworkerbee. Reason: Spelling errors
Post # 11
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

With respect to PPs, I would resist the temptation of overwrought delays and hints.

Next time she brings it up, when you’re alone, tell her you have already finalized your party and that you hope she understands. If anything, you can say that you had to keep it relatively small, but that’s it. Be kind and direct and don’t try to control her response – it’s a loosing battle. i think saying you haven’t yet decided will just complicate things more.

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