Post # 1
Hello! I’m new to the bee! I just recently got engaged and when we decided to announce our news, one of my longest friends automatically assumed she would be a bridesmaid. I was happy that she was thrilled, but she started throwing herself into it. I never actually responded to her because I didn’t know how to say I didn’t want her to be one. Though she’s been one of my longest friends, we have drifted apart through the years and I often find myself getting the silent treatment from her because she basically throws a tantrum if she doesn’t like my advice. I love her, but we have only just started speaking again after a 6 month quietfest. And it’s still only random small talk. I don’t know how to tell her that she isn’t going to be a bridesmaid. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also don’t want someone in my wedding that I can’t depend on.
She also just recently dropped out of a wedding she was a bridesmaid in THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING!!!! I just can’t. I know she’s going to flip out, and I don’t want to hurt her….but again, I can’t trust her. How can I break it to her that it’s just not going to work without sounding like a terrible person?
Have any of you ever been through this? How did it turn out?
Thank you in advance!
Post # 2
Awkward because you didn’t shut it down at first but sorry you’re in this situation. I nearly asked a flake to be Bridesmaid or Best Man amd Fiance talked me out of it – she ditched the wedding for a new fella. So I’d stick to your guns on this.
When it comes up again, just say ‘I’m thrilled you’re excited but I’ve not made a decision about my wedding party yet. Fiance and I need to discuss it’
Post # 3
spinningbutterfly: How many bridesmaids do you plan on having, and how many are relatives? It is possible to a positive spin on it, e.g. “My only bridesmaids are my sisters, plus X and Y who are my two closest friends”. Definitely don’t mention her negative qualities.
In general, you don’t go out of your way to tell someone they’re not a BM; but if they bring it up then it’s a good idea to correct them.
Post # 4
You dont have to say anything, by you not asking her will be the tell. if she brings it up tell her “I love you and would love you to do a reading (or not) but my bridal party is chosen and we are so looking forward to celebrating our day with you.”
Post # 5
Wow, this is hard for me to read as I am trying to decide on including my absolute best friend of 5 years in my wedding after silence due to major newfound differences in morals and life paths. I want her there and I feel like I need her there, but I don’t want my day ruined or to get upset because of her presence. If this girl has bailed on previous weddings, express your concern to her if you want to work her into the wedding party. If you don’t just let her down gently and do what aussiemum said.
Post # 6
You need to let her down (gently) ASAP!! The longer she thinks she’s a bridesmaid, the worse it is going to be for you. I agree with a PP that you could start by telling her that you’ve made no decisions about the bridal party yet… maybe whether or not there will be one, the size of it, etc. Hopefully she gets the point. If not- you are going to need to be blunt and tell her she simply didn’t make the cut (but you can’t wait to celebrate with her).
Post # 7
At the risk of being totally frank.. she sounds dramatic. Odds are if you are not interested in her drama you two will drift apart eventually anyways. Don’t hinge an important item of your day around someone who isn’t likely to be your friend by your 10 year anniversary (this also works as a helpful guideline when forming your guest list). Your wedding day is not the day to be doing old friends favors, especially in a role that could really make things stressful for you.
Where I’m going with this is, sadly I’ve seen weddings rip many a friendship apart and by the sounds of it she is not going to take this news well unless you have a really good spin ready (like, “I’m only having my relatives”) etc. So be prepared to deal with the worst, and if she gets upset remember it’s her problem not yours that she is taking it so personally. It will blow over, as long as long you don’t feed into it or let it get to you. If it doesn’t, clearly you didn’t need her in your life anyways.
Post # 8
I’m interested to hear what happens, because I have a similar situation! My friend lives far away, so it’s not like she really knows what’s happening with the wedding planning, so I haven’t had to deal with it…yet.
Post # 9
I’m struggling with something related. A good friend of mine (for like 25 years) has literally gone off the deep end – like ended up in a mental facility for a short stint. On top of things, she’s a classic narcissist, can’t stand not to have all the attention and quite dramatic (as in “oh my life is sooooo terrible” 24/7/365).
At the age of 41 I just cannot tolerate this kind of drama (nor could I when I was in my 20s), but particularly at my wedding. Initially I thought about asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor because she’s been my friend the longest and then I realized that I’ve been HER friend for 25 years and she’s maybe been mine for 3 years out of that (VERY selfish individual).
So not only am I not asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I’m not asking her to be in the wedding at all! I know when she eventually realizes this to be the case, there will be drama, but sometimes you just gotta do what your gut tells you to do.
Best of luck and it’s YOUR day…if you’re like me, you require it to be DRAMA FREE!!
Post # 10
spinningbutterfly: I agree with xoxoxowhitney. Chances are, if you two are not good friends at the moment and she has a history of being dramatic, there may not be much left to this friendship to survive. It sounds like you want to let her down with the least amount of backlash. In most cases, dramatic people are also irrational people and that’s where the drama stems from.
Set firm boundaries and don’t give her much unformation. When she asks you about your Bridal party, just say “I am still deciding. I have not made a choice”. If she starts telling people she’s in it, interupt her and say “Dramafriend, I have not chosen my bridal party yet and I rather not discuss this right now”. If she blows up, keep repeating your boundaries. “Dramafriend, I have not chosen my bridal party yet and I rather not discuss this right now”.
If she finds out later she is not in the bridal party and confronts you, just say “It was a hard decision for me, I hope you understand. I still want you to be there on my weddingday and to celebrate with me”. If she still acts irrational, this is not your problem. Stop talking to her and let her cool down. “Sorry, I have to go”. If she keeps going past your comfort zone, then it might be time to decide if she’s worth having as a guest.
Post # 11
With respect to PPs, I would resist the temptation of overwrought delays and hints.
Next time she brings it up, when you’re alone, tell her you have already finalized your party and that you hope she understands. If anything, you can say that you had to keep it relatively small, but that’s it. Be kind and direct and don’t try to control her response – it’s a loosing battle. i think saying you haven’t yet decided will just complicate things more.
Post # 12
mkebride2016: I really like the point you made about being her friend for 25 years, but not the other way around. That’s exactly how we are. I’ve been friends with her since I was in 7th grade but she only speaks about herself and turns everything about her. When it comes down to it…I’m not even sure she knows anything but about me.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your help and advice! I really appreciate it and it just helped confirm what I was feeling inside. I have a response all written out for her incase she brings it up again…however she has not said a word to me since the day She found out I was engaged.
Sadly I do not have any sisters and I’m not too close to any female cousins so I’m out of luck with that! But the two people I am going with have been a huge part of not only my life but also my FIs life, which I can’t say the same for her. I know it’s going to be a huge thing once she finds out…but as it seems right now she doesn’t really care about what’s going on in my life anyway (not that I ever expect anyone to be obsess with my planning! But the other two, though I have not asked them yet, are often showing interest in what we are planning) which makes me wonder how interested in the wedding she would be anyway!
ALL OF THIS TO SAY… Thank you all so much and I am definitely going to tell her when she brings it up again. All your words helped me confirm and brace myself for what’s to come. But also to remember that it Won’t be the end of the world if she throws a fit.