Post # 17
@SamanthaBolero: ((HUGS)) No, you aren’t wrong to feel this way. It may have happened ten years ago but you JUST found out about it, so for you it is a new thing. You are handling it spectacularly well.
One thing your husband is going to have to realize and deal with, though, is that he has now changed in your eyes from someone you trusted completely to someone you know lived with a huge lie for a very long time. Don’t let his “relief” at things being out on the table exempt him from letting you take as long as you need to to get past this.
The bottom line is he loves you, he is married to you, he is there with you – he’s not with her. But, now that you know all this he should: get rid of the pictures and get off FB with her. There is no need to rub salt in your wounds. Ask him clearly to put himself in your shoes. Ask how he would feel if he had just learned such news about YOU as this. Ask what he would want you to do to restore the faith and trust in your marriage, because that’s what he needs to do.
If you don’t heal from this – and take your time – you’re going to feel a lot of resentment towards him.
It might take time. You can’t gloss over this. It HURTS. It sucks that he lied about something this big. But at least now it is in the light and from here you can begin healing – IF he helps you to heal. If he does what you ask of him (get rids of pictures and cut off contact with her). He needs to do whatever it takes to save his marriage.
Post # 19
Thanks everyone…I’m getting alot of reassuring comments that remind me yeah, this was 10 years ago, and really it doesn’t matter now but hte lie was regrettable ovviously….and then I’m getting some people saying that the severity of how I should feel might depend upon why they broke up and who broke up with who. If he had dated her 1, 2 or even 5 years ago, I might agree….or maybe I’m just telling myself htat because the truth is, he did have strong feelings for her and she was ashamed of their relationship because she used to be in a long term relationship with another close friend of his. She broke up with him, he was hurt by her, apparently had strong feelings for her at that time. He said he still thinks about the descision he made to break up with me and how much it hurt me at hte time, and that he wished it never happend but apparently it was a long-standing crush he had on her that pushed me aside at that time. Again, we had dated for around 6 months, we weren’t very serious, we honestly were having trouble connecting and developing a bond, I even felt it….I felt that he wasn’t that into me, and that our attraction to one another wasn’t going to sustain us for much longer. I was only 19, he was 26, I thought he didn’t want me anymore because I was too shy, too young….and yeah, it does hurt alot that the truth is he had feeligns for someone else and wanted to make himself available. He kept pictures of her, but these photos have been tucked away for many years now.
Yeah, if fricken hurts and do I wonder if I let him off the hook to easy? Sure, maybe. Do I think he still has feelings for her 10 years later and married me in spite of that? Hell no.
Still it hurts to know the truth, hurts to feel like maybe I was his 2nd choice, even though I know it’s not true in my heart…I suppose it’s just someothing we will have to get past. We haven’t discussed it much since the day it all came out but I think I may approach the subject again in regards to how we want to handle the rest of her photos and stuff.
I guess I should add that their fling didn’t last long before she broke it off, that he remained single for several months before reaching out to me again, at which time he apologized for any hurt he caused my by the break up and told me “I wanted to see you again because when I think back, you always made me happy, you would never hurt me”….huh..kind of all making sense now I guess. We were friends for a few years before we became romantically involved again and ultimatly fell in love.
Post # 21
I understand that you’re upset, because for you, this is new information. You were both much younger, he thought the grass was greener and found out the hard way that it isn’t. Thing is, he handled it the right way. He broke up with you, and he didn’t cheat on you. Even after they broke up, he didn’t go right for the rebound. He dealt with his personal shit and realized that he’d made a mistake, and went to make things right. You took thing slowly, you both matured and found out that you were in fact, right for each other all along.
I’ll say that he was wrong for the lie, but I also understand that there’s no GOOD time to bring that back up. I don’t disclose the intimate details of my past to my fiance. Who I slept with before dating him isn’t his concern, all that matters is that he’s the only one I’ve slept with since.