TW: Working through negative feelings after miscarriage

posted 5 months ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
3715 posts
Sugar bee

I had a miscarriage at about the same gestation and had all the same fears. We dove back into TTC right away and got pregnant 3 cycles later and that one stuck. I don’t really have much advice, just solidarity. You’re right that the odds are very much in your favor that you’ll soon be pregnant again and it’ll stick. But I completely understand your fears too and I felt the same when I was going through it. Just take it one day at a time and try to find some things to do that are not TTC related so you don’t get completely consumed by it all. 

Post # 3
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Honestly? By getting pregnant before I could even process it. I both recommend and don’t recommend it. It took us 9 months of all-in TTC to get pregnant (there was no “let’s see what happens!” about it, ha) the first time. I miscarried in my 6th week, and like you, was so anxious about it. I was out of state visiting family, so I didn’t have DH with me, which absolutely led to some trauma. I miscarried on a Thursday, came home on a Sunday, and had a follow up appointment a few days later. At the appointment, everything had passed and looked good, so the midwife told me that physically, we were cleared. Emotionally, she told us to just wait until we felt ready.

Given that it was a longer and more stressful road for us, I started testing for ovulation at CD 10 like normal, and when the signs of ovulation started, we decided on the fly “well we don’t really have time to waste if it could be another 9 months.” Much to our shock, we got pregnant right away. We were NOT emotionally ready. 

Honestly, the first trimester was bad. I wish I could say that I found some zen, but I found the anxiety to be very hard to deal with, especially after some bleeding at 6 weeks (it quickly resolved and I went on progesterone to be safe). We hadn’t even had time to process our loss, we just went into “okay it’s time for the appointments” and then “oh shit, I’m ovulating soon, what to we do” and then the TWW. 

That being said, it DID get easier as time went on. Each milestone (8 week ultrasound, NIPT, 13 week ultrasound, anatomy scan, viability, now the impending 3rd trimester) has brought INFINITE relief, and my anxiety has been manageable since 13 weeks, and very minimal since 20 weeks. The normal, boring, semi-unpleasant parts of pregnancy all seem magical, and no amount of nausea or food aversions or insomnia has bothered me, because I SO KEENLY remembered what it was like to miscarry. Additionally, I don’t really think that it would have been any easier to wait. My parents waited like 3 years after miscarrying their first pregnancy, and 33 years later, my mom VIVIDLY remembers the intense anxiety she felt. Unfortunately, I think it’s just par for the course. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a shitty club to be in. I do think, being Pollyanna, that it brings a lot of perspective and patience in future pregnancies, though, which is a silver lining of sorts. It’s also par for the course that it’s probably going to be sad and suck to some level forever. It does get easier with each passing month, though, and I will say that (as cheesy and annoying as it is) I have found some real peace in it all, because any other outcome/decision (miscarriage, delaying TTC, any other sequence of events) would mean a different baby, and while he’s not here yet, I can’t fathom him not existing. 

Post # 4
Member
12 posts
Newbee

 I don’t have any success stories (YET.. I’m staying optimistic) but I just want to say I’m so sorry for your loss bee. I had an early miscarriage at 5 weeks in July and I still feel sad about it from time to time. It was my first pregnancy ever after 20 cycles of trying. What helped me was the thought that at least I can get pregnant. I have pcos and have anovulatory cycles. I posted on here as well for comfort and A lot of the bees here helped immensely. Just for someone to talk to that will understand what you’re going through. Praying for our rainbow baby soon! 

Post # 5
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

I questioned for several minutes whether I should say this, because I was criticized in the past for weighing in on something I didn’t experience myself.  I hope you don’t mind this despite me not having gone through a pregnancy loss, but I don’t think what I’m about to say will be out of touch with the emotions you’re experiencing in part because I do have some medical knowledge.

The odds are that you will have a successful pregnancy.  Most women who miscarry eventually do.  The attitude I would have is that this is a fluke, until subsequent miscarriages prove otherwise.  Miscarriages happen for many reasons, and one of them is a genetic defect in the embryo that isn’t compatible with life.  That’s luck of the draw.  You’re thinking that this one miscarriage is a trend and that there is something wrong with you or your husband.  But you don’t know that from one miscarriage.  Try again when you’re ready.  If a pattern does develop, you can worry about it at that point.  But there’s a good chance that this was a one off.

Post # 6
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

Miscarriages are SUPER common – and it’s such a shame women aren’t encouraged to talk more openly about them, because knowing others have been in the same position really helps.  My miscarriages came after my first successful pregnancy – which helped in some ways (as I knew I was capable of getting pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy). 

I did have back to back miscarriages – I concieved, miscarried, then concieved again 2 weeks later.  When I miscarried THAT pregnancy, my doctor advised me to take a few months off trying, as she thought my body wasn’t ready for pregnancy yet (I had only JUST weaned my daughter).  I agreed – and honestly was so cut up by the back to back losses I told my husband we needed to discuss being one and done, because I didn’t want another loss.

About 10 days after my second miscarriage, my husband and I went out with friends, drank WAY too much, and one thing lead to another.  The next morning, I felt myself ovulate a full week earlier than expected.  35 weeks later I gave birth to my absolutely PERFECT identical twin boys. 

While I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, without those 2 heartbreaks, I wouldn’t have my twin terrors, who I can hear downstairs tormenting their older sister (who I am confident wishes we had indeed been one and done).  

Sending you love – I know this is a sad time. 

Post # 7
Member
4129 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@fourthnoel:  So, not sure if you’ll want to hear from me, because I am that worst case scenario in your OP. I had three miscarriages, all back to back, and then didn’t get pregnant again for seven months after my third. We weren’t trying for our daughter, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. 

After my first miscarriage, I ovulated right at the 14 day mark. I could feel the symptoms and when I peed on it and got the flashy smile face, I genuinely wanted to punch a hole in my wall. I felt like it was such a slap in the face. 

I understand the fear that you have. Here is what I will say: I am that worst case scenario story. I am the exception, not the rule to miscarriages. Take all the time you need physically and mentally to heal, but go for it. Once you have a miscarriage, you’ll never shake that fear and worry that it’ll happen again. I was terrified to sneeze or fart the entire first trimester. But make sure you take time to enjoy this process, as weird as that sounds. Just be patient and kind with yourself. 

Post # 8
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

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@stateofbeeing:  this is actually a good point. In a scientific sense, one data point means absolutely nothing without context. At a minimum, you need two data points for a trend line. 

OP, while I have never had a miscarriage, my mom had quite a few and I am prone to high anxiety so I totally understand the fear. I was terrified my entire pregnancy because of my moms issues. The silver lining, as 

View original reply
@sandiegobee brings up, is that most of those who have miscarriages followed by successful pregnancies can’t fathom not having that child alive. Had my moms miscarriages not happened, my sister and I wouldn’t have been born and I’m sure she’s oddly grateful for the way fate worked out. This is cheesy and cliche, but everything happens for a reason and fate usually has its way of working out. 

Post # 9
Member
4129 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@sandiegobee:  I also like the point you make. I forgot to post this in my original response:

I got my period in April 2020 on the exact day of what should have been my due date for the first pregnancy I lost. At the time, I couldn’t help but think about what terrible irony that was. However, that was the cycle I conceived my daughter.

Had I never had that first miscarriage, I wouldn’t have my daughter. I wouldn’t trade her for a single thing on this Earth. And weirdly enough, I look back and feel grateful for that miscarriage, which is kind of sick and sad in its own way. 

Post # 10
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am the worst case scenario as I had two miscarriages and will never get pregnant. At the end of the day there are other ways to make your family if your goal is to raise a child. That said, odds are you will not be me and you will get pregnant again. But also remember that even if things seem like the end of the world, its not the end of the world and you still have options and can live a full and happy life. I also know that when we do get to adopt we will be so happy that this is the path we were put on. And I’m sure you’ll feel the same when you get to meet your baby. 

Post # 11
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I wanted to add that it’s okay if you’re simultaneously comforted and unimpressed by statistics. Once you’ve been on the wrong side of “well, the statistical odds are…”, there’s going to be a nagging “well I already drew the short end of the statistics straw once” thoughts. I wasn’t prepared for that, and felt like a doomsday thinker. On the flip side, sometimes the statistics brought me immense comfort, especially as time went on. 

TTC and pregnancy after loss is hard, and you can have 1,000 wildly different thoughts in a single day. It’s okay if some days you think “screw the statistics, I’m scared” and then the next day look at a peer-reviewed study and find immense comfort in the charts and graphs! 

Post # 12
Member
1808 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m one of the unlucky ones in your case in that I had two back to back losses. I had long, annovulatory cycles and troubles conceiving so when I had my miscarriages I too was worried that my body would never be able to support a healthy pregnancy. My third pregnancy resulted in our brilliant  first born, but I experienced some kind of anxiety up until she was born. It did get easier as I got farther along but I was never fully convinced I could do it until she was here. We conceived a lot more easily the second time and I thought that because we had done it once before I would be less stressed but I was a basket case until we were through with the first trimester and had a reassuring first tri screening. Unfortunately miscarriage can really taint the experience of pregnancy but there are resources to help you cope if you decide you’re ready to TRC again. Sending you big Big hugs. 

Post # 13
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar experience, it was heart breaking and exhausting. We didn’t wait and got pregnant the following cycle, baby boy is now 7 months, happy and healthy. 

Like many other bees, the fear/anxiety is tough when you get pregnant again. It wasn’t until about 15-16 weeks (second trimester) that I felt safe in my pregnancy. It takes time and really you have to take it one day at a time but it does get better. It sounds like you have all of the right information and an understanding that this is more common than not. Sending you baby dust and peace as you continue your TTC journey.    

Post # 14
Member
9987 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I had a miscarrige around 8 weeks with my first pregnancy and went on to conceive a few months later. I had a successful pregnancy and have a perfect 16 month old tearing up our house now. I’ve had two miscarriages around 6 weeks since LO was born and haven’t been able to stay pregnant. Fertility issues run in my family, so I was really excited that I conceived LO in the first place. 

All of this to say – it’s a crapshoot. Miscarriages are super common. I’ve read stats that 25-33% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but often so early that people don’t even realize they’re pregnant. It sucks, it’s devastating, but, as you noted, you didn’t cause it and there’s nothing you can do to prevent them. I suggest you and your DH keep trying (as long as you both feel up to it) and when you get a positive test next time, call your doctor to get your betas run. As long as you see your HCG doubling between tests, you’re good! It’ll be reassuring to you, especially when doctors can’t see the little bean for 6-8 weeks! 

Sending you best wishes and sticky baby dust!

Post # 15
Member
1307 posts
Bumble bee

I found myself in a similar position—- with the exeption that it had taken us 6 months to get pregnant with the pregnancy, and I was 37, so a higher chance of miscarriages– plus my mom had seven miscarriages before me. I got pregnant again 4 months later.  It was scary. I think I mostly just let myself consciously not get excited until later in the pregnancy, and kept focusing on the fact that it was a different fetus, different genetic combinations etc. I don’t think I felt comfortable until like week 22 or so– post genetic testing, post anatomy scan. Every day I looked up the miscarrige rates and held on to the fact that they went down. The baby is now a 10 month old who has recently learned to cry loudly if you take away dangerous items he wants to touch. 

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