(Closed) tween girl parenting dilemma

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmm I might let it go, because if her mom is saying she doesn’t need one, then she’s probably not going to do anything different.  Do you have a good relationship with her mom?  Maybe you could gently mention it.  Also, if she’s not ready to wear bras, there are camis at most tween stores that have built in bras.  I have bought those for my 10 year old.

Post # 4
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@porterhouse:  Have you thought about purchasing her some camisoles with built in bras? Just getting her couple as a special present. It may be a good way to start out without having to actually embarass her with a standard bra. I remember when I was younger I was so embarassed when these types of convos came up.

Post # 5
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  Eek, that is an awkward spot. For me, I was quite a tomboy at the age when I started to develop. I had more friends that were guys, and I was afraid that they would make fun of me if I started to wear a bra. It caused quite a few arguments with my mom and I. Is your SD a tomboy? What about some type of a sports bra? I also like the camisole idea. You can suggest it as a layering idea.

  I know that your Darling Husband may be uncomfortable about bringing that up to his ex-wife. However, what would he rather have to do, have a tough conversation about a bra or have to see people start to stare and possibly make comments?

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Yeah, I was mortified regarding bras at that age–super embarrassed but really kinda wanted one even though I barely needed it.  My mom finally took me to Ross and I got some of those wireless stretchy bras. 

My suggestion would be to just buy her a couple of cami tops like have been suggested, and a few tween starter bras/sports bras and just make them available to her for IF she wants to wear them.  Nothing complicated with cup sizes.  That way she has them and she can chose to wear them or not, and can experiment with wearing them when she is ready.

My guess is is that her friends will suddenly start wearing them and then she will want to, too!

And I totally don’t wear a bra all the time.  Some of us are just hippie chicks and not every top needs it–though some def do!

By The Way, no matter how awesome your SD is, they all get a lil crazy at that age.  My fave 12 year old was so cool I was convinced she would be different.  Nope, she still drives her step mom, siblings, dad and all the rest of us batty on occasion.  I wish you much patience.

 

Post # 7
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My 12 year old has been wearing bras a couple years now almost. We started her on cute lil training type bras. But, we aren’t a family shy about what’s natural. She has no problem coming out and telling me, “Mom, I started today,” in front of the rest of the family so I can mark it on the calendar for her. lol

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

oh man I was mortified when I had to start wearing bras!! I distinctly remember that I was afraid someone would touch my back and feel a strap there and I figured I would die of embarrassment. 

I think you could just buy her a couple of different types “just in case”.  I always avoided that conversation with my own mom, but some bras just appeared in my drawer one day and I got to try them out on my own in the bathroom and get used to them without making a scene.

Post # 10
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Can I also suggest, if she doesn’t want a big deal and a special shopping trip to buy bras or camis, that you just buy a few basic crop top bra things and say something to her like “I saw these tops on sale and I thought you might like them, I’ll just put them in your underwear drawer and you can wear them if you want.” and then drop the topic. Then she can choose to wear them when she is ready.

Post # 11
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with cami’s– that’s what I started out with because I hated the feeling of the elastic in sports bras or stretchy bras. You can buy decent “tween” ones with a built in bra for cheap.

Don’t worry too much– in a year or so people will start talking at school and she will be begging to wear one.

Post # 12
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@porterhouse:  You can get the ones with built in bras at Justice, The Children’s Place and P.S. by Aeropostale. That’s where I’ve found them for my daughter.

Post # 13
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Do you have any nieces or teen girls int eh family (or neighbors friends) that could broach the subject with her?  I remember my mom bringing the whole bra issue up to me and I totally shut her down, but when my older sister told me that she thought I looked so “old for my age” that I should probably even be wearing a bra I thought it was much cooler:)  My sister later told me that my mom asked her to say something- and I never would have guessed at the time.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Now maybe I was just a creepy kid, but I always thought wearing a bra was “cool” and “grown-up”. Maybe taking her to a special store that has “cool” brands (like Aerie or Victoria’s Secret) and making a day out of it (get her fitted, let her pick out a couple that she likes, take her out to lunch or dinner afterwards) might change how she feels. 

I used to work in intimate apparel, and it can be an awkward experience, whether you’re 12 or 42. 🙂 If she’s REALLY resistant to wearing a bra, I’d suggest camis with built in bras (like the other posters have recommended) or some thin sports-bra like shelf bras. 

Post # 15
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with the camisole idea! And I’m sure once she realizes her friends are starting to wear bras, she’ll want to wear one too. When I was in 5th grade (so like 9 or 10), all the girls started wearing sports bras & training bras, and it was “cool”. No one actually needed a bra, but it was “cool”, so naturally everyone had to have them! But by middle school, we had to start changing for gym in front of everyone, so at that point, everyone wanted bras to they could be covered up! If she does have to change in school for gym class, you could also bring it up that she may be more comfortable changing if she is wearing a sports or training bra.

Post # 16
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My first bra shopping trip was a nightmare. My Mom, bless her heart, has the worlds biggest mouth and COULD NOT be even a little discreet when we were in the store. She was holding them up and waving them around for all to see (“DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?!?!), stretching them over my chest while we stood in front of the racks to see if the ribcage fit, then she went and told all of her friends about it. Same with my first period.

If some sports bras, camis with built in bras, and little stretchy ones had just appeared in my underwear drawer overnight without a word, I would have been eternally grateful. Give her what she needs to make her own decision, and then let her decide when she is ready to put on the ones that make her feel most comfortable. She will remember your discretion and appreciate it when she is old enough to understand.

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