Post # 1
My SD, just turned 12, is beginning to “blossom,” KWIM? I think she should have started wearing a bra some months ago, but she still hasn’t started. Her breasts are more and more noticeable to the point where I get very uncomfortable when she wears a few of her tops.
Last weekend I tried to bring it up the topic of bras casually to SD. She sort of clammed up and said that she doesn’t need one (“I’m fine!”). She said that her mom (BM) said that she didn’t have to wear one. I thought she might be lying, but Darling Husband later confirmed that this is what Bridesmaid or Best Man has told her.
Darling Husband doesn’t think I should bring it up to Bridesmaid or Best Man directly because it will come across like I’m judging her. And he’s not the type of guy who is going to take his daughter bra shopping. He doesn’t think this is a big deal either way (he is sort of hands off anyway).
Is there anything I should do or should I just let it go?
Post # 3
Hmm I might let it go, because if her mom is saying she doesn’t need one, then she’s probably not going to do anything different. Do you have a good relationship with her mom? Maybe you could gently mention it. Also, if she’s not ready to wear bras, there are camis at most tween stores that have built in bras. I have bought those for my 10 year old.
Post # 4
@porterhouse: Have you thought about purchasing her some camisoles with built in bras? Just getting her couple as a special present. It may be a good way to start out without having to actually embarass her with a standard bra. I remember when I was younger I was so embarassed when these types of convos came up.
Post # 5
Eek, that is an awkward spot. For me, I was quite a tomboy at the age when I started to develop. I had more friends that were guys, and I was afraid that they would make fun of me if I started to wear a bra. It caused quite a few arguments with my mom and I. Is your SD a tomboy? What about some type of a sports bra? I also like the camisole idea. You can suggest it as a layering idea.
I know that your Darling Husband may be uncomfortable about bringing that up to his ex-wife. However, what would he rather have to do, have a tough conversation about a bra or have to see people start to stare and possibly make comments?
Post # 6
Yeah, I was mortified regarding bras at that age–super embarrassed but really kinda wanted one even though I barely needed it. My mom finally took me to Ross and I got some of those wireless stretchy bras.
My suggestion would be to just buy her a couple of cami tops like have been suggested, and a few tween starter bras/sports bras and just make them available to her for IF she wants to wear them. Nothing complicated with cup sizes. That way she has them and she can chose to wear them or not, and can experiment with wearing them when she is ready.
My guess is is that her friends will suddenly start wearing them and then she will want to, too!
And I totally don’t wear a bra all the time. Some of us are just hippie chicks and not every top needs it–though some def do!
By The Way, no matter how awesome your SD is, they all get a lil crazy at that age. My fave 12 year old was so cool I was convinced she would be different. Nope, she still drives her step mom, siblings, dad and all the rest of us batty on occasion. I wish you much patience.
Post # 7
My 12 year old has been wearing bras a couple years now almost. We started her on cute lil training type bras. But, we aren’t a family shy about what’s natural. She has no problem coming out and telling me, “Mom, I started today,” in front of the rest of the family so I can mark it on the calendar for her. lol
Post # 8
oh man I was mortified when I had to start wearing bras!! I distinctly remember that I was afraid someone would touch my back and feel a strap there and I figured I would die of embarrassment.
I think you could just buy her a couple of different types “just in case”. I always avoided that conversation with my own mom, but some bras just appeared in my drawer one day and I got to try them out on my own in the bathroom and get used to them without making a scene.
Post # 9
The camis are a great idea! SD has some already, and she wears them now and then. I don’t believe they have built in bras, however. Sports bras would be good too because she is def. on the tomboy side. I’m not sure if she would wear them though, because she seems to be in denial.
I would frankly be surprised if she has NOT been teased. I think it’s pretty easy to tell that she isn’t wearing a bra, depending on the top of course, and I’m pretty sure that most of her classmates should be wearing them already. And kids that age are pretty cruel to each other.
I would like to bring it up to Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I would want to do it sort of indirectly. Relationship there is okay but not great.
Post # 10
Can I also suggest, if she doesn’t want a big deal and a special shopping trip to buy bras or camis, that you just buy a few basic crop top bra things and say something to her like “I saw these tops on sale and I thought you might like them, I’ll just put them in your underwear drawer and you can wear them if you want.” and then drop the topic. Then she can choose to wear them when she is ready.
Post # 11
I agree with cami’s– that’s what I started out with because I hated the feeling of the elastic in sports bras or stretchy bras. You can buy decent “tween” ones with a built in bra for cheap.
Don’t worry too much– in a year or so people will start talking at school and she will be begging to wear one.
Post # 12
@porterhouse: You can get the ones with built in bras at Justice, The Children’s Place and P.S. by Aeropostale. That’s where I’ve found them for my daughter.
Post # 13
Do you have any nieces or teen girls int eh family (or neighbors friends) that could broach the subject with her? I remember my mom bringing the whole bra issue up to me and I totally shut her down, but when my older sister told me that she thought I looked so “old for my age” that I should probably even be wearing a bra I thought it was much cooler:) My sister later told me that my mom asked her to say something- and I never would have guessed at the time.
Post # 14
Now maybe I was just a creepy kid, but I always thought wearing a bra was “cool” and “grown-up”. Maybe taking her to a special store that has “cool” brands (like Aerie or Victoria’s Secret) and making a day out of it (get her fitted, let her pick out a couple that she likes, take her out to lunch or dinner afterwards) might change how she feels.
I used to work in intimate apparel, and it can be an awkward experience, whether you’re 12 or 42. 🙂 If she’s REALLY resistant to wearing a bra, I’d suggest camis with built in bras (like the other posters have recommended) or some thin sports-bra like shelf bras.
Post # 15
I agree with the camisole idea! And I’m sure once she realizes her friends are starting to wear bras, she’ll want to wear one too. When I was in 5th grade (so like 9 or 10), all the girls started wearing sports bras & training bras, and it was “cool”. No one actually needed a bra, but it was “cool”, so naturally everyone had to have them! But by middle school, we had to start changing for gym in front of everyone, so at that point, everyone wanted bras to they could be covered up! If she does have to change in school for gym class, you could also bring it up that she may be more comfortable changing if she is wearing a sports or training bra.
Post # 16
My first bra shopping trip was a nightmare. My Mom, bless her heart, has the worlds biggest mouth and COULD NOT be even a little discreet when we were in the store. She was holding them up and waving them around for all to see (“DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?!?!), stretching them over my chest while we stood in front of the racks to see if the ribcage fit, then she went and told all of her friends about it. Same with my first period.
If some sports bras, camis with built in bras, and little stretchy ones had just appeared in my underwear drawer overnight without a word, I would have been eternally grateful. Give her what she needs to make her own decision, and then let her decide when she is ready to put on the ones that make her feel most comfortable. She will remember your discretion and appreciate it when she is old enough to understand.