Two auto accidents in the last two months. FI is irate…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 151
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

smalltownbigworld :  OP, I’m not sure if you answered this or not, but what was his reaction to your first car accident? Annoyance or concern? That will likely shed a bit more insight and held Bees give better advise. 

Post # 152
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Innerdonught :  there is zero justifying someone behaving that way minutes after an accident, and even when he had 2 chances to make it right immediately after–he still chose anger and punishment over empathy and grace.

She did not come to the emotional forum looking for driving tips and to get more of what he dished out.  Give me a freaking break.

 

Post # 153
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

WestCoastV :  

I used the man vs woman analogy because that’s typically what we see here on the wedding bee. So much time was spent on OP having to explain and clarify what occurred (because people are quick to judge but not as up to par with reading) that the thread did end up being about the accident itself and not the Fiance reaction.  The title of the thread kinda spells out her concern.  

instead she gets justification for an irrational response (and people telling her that’s normal when it isn’t) and ganged up on by the very  people she went to for help.  Group mentality–and so many jumped right on the bandwagon.  It’s ugly.

Post # 154
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

 

Innerdonught :  

And OP defending herself very likely comes from  a lack of experience.  She wasn’t ugly or combative in her replies, but apparently a group of  women decided she was weak and pounced.  

Your comment regarding why she felt the need to defend herself is the exact same thing bullies say when an innocent person is defending false accusations.  

unbelievable

Post # 157
Member
2333 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

buddhabubba :  Except once again, she isn’t ‘innocent’..she caused the crash. She caused the crash even if it was down to inexperience.

Noone is trying to attack her, pounce or bully her, but just tell her that maybe she has been somewhat at fault here and should cut her Fiance some slack and maybe apologise.

Her Fiance responded with concern to her first accident (which was not her fault) and has now somewhat calmed down about the second one (which was). 

Time to jump off your crazy wagon of looking for male/female reasons, bullying, abuse and all kinds of other nonsense you’re spouting…JFC

Post # 158
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

smalltownbigworld :  I am glad Fiance is on the same page with you now that the shock has worn off. I hope this is a simple inexpensive fix for you guys 🙂

Post # 159
Member
2333 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Op, I’m glad your Fiance has calmed down and aplogised in his own way. Hopefully you can both work through this together and it has taught you something about your self and you as a couple

Post # 160
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

Innerdonught :  that’s not the point. Whether she caused the crash or not, at that moment in time everyone is in a state of shock. The last thing that they need is to be yelled at. That can come later. 

Post # 161
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

smalltownbigworld :  

I was super happy to see your update. Not now, but at some point it will be good to have a conversation about what happened.  Not the nitty gritty details, but rather how you were feeling before you called him and how his reaction affected you. He needs to know that at that moment–that’s when you need to hear “I’m super upset at our luck but I love you and it will be ok.  What can I do?”  And he can share with you the same way.

Learning how to get through this kind of conflict without causing permanent damage to your relationship is so important.  I think iit’s Gottman who has a guide on revisiting past arguments that aren’t resolved and using them for practice when things are good between you. He believes getting in the habit of using those steps will train you on being prepared when conflict arises down the road. 

It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, and don’t let anyone tell you being treated that way is justifiable when you make a mistake.  Everyone gets their turn at messing up, feels like an idiot for doing it, and everyone deserves to maintain their dignity, status within the relationship and compassion when those inevitable human screw ups happen!  

Post # 162
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Innerdonught :  There are literally 11 pages of people attacking the OP and just inventing info out of thin air to make her look worse, you included. Saying she is shirking responsibility and needs to apologize to her FI? How exactly do you know she didn’t apologize to her Fiance yet? Wasn’t aware you were listening in on their convos!

So many bees are piling on and just assuming the worst of OP while blissfully excusing her Fiance for his heinous initial reaction. So many people on their high horses acting like being in one at fault accident is this unheard of atrocity. I’d like to see all your driving records!

A few pages back someone wrote, “you need to take responsibility for BOTH accidents” and got upvoted dozens of times for this malicious, untrue comment. OP had repeatedly clarified in this thread prior to that she was not at fault in the first accident…but no one seems to care about the truth. This thread has been insane…a real low point on the bee.

OP, I am so glad your Fiance seems to be calming down. I still think some communication about how his initial (and even subsequent) reactions made you feel would be good. I also think a defensive driving course would be good…maybe you and your Fiance could take it together since he also caused an accident recently. And let’s face it, every single person in this thread barking at you to take the class could also benefit from that kind of instruction. I know I could!

Post # 163
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

Definitely sounds like you need to take a defensive driving course.

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