Two auto accidents in the last two months. FI is irate…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know you’re feeling pretty upset right now and rightfully so. It might make you feel better and put things in perspective to consider that this could have been so much worse. I misunderstood your OP and thought the other drive hit you, but it sounds like you T boned the other car. If so, imagine if someone in the passenger seat had been badly hurt or killed…suddenly your pissed off fiance & potential insurance rate hikes don’t seem so bad, right? We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect. This just drives home how quickly life can change & how one minor lapse in judgement can potentially be catastrophic. Nothing that happened yesterday is life changing. It is basically an expensive life lesson. 

I have a company car, so over the years I’ve been required to take a lot of company required driver training classes. I used to roll my eyes about it, but I’ve actually learned some useful things. So, you may seriously want to consider the suggestions people have made about taking a defensive driving class. It can also lower your insurance rate. 

Anyway, one of my takeaways from those classes was to stop viewing collisions from the perspective of who is at fault and to instead view them as “avoidable” or “unavoidable.” So, even if the other driver was flagrantly in the wrong, if you reasonably could have avoided the accident you have to take responsibility for your part in it and focus on what you can do better next time. 

Post # 123
13589 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’ve gotten pages of comments so I don’t want to pile on, but I sympathize with your Fiance.  He got a loan in his name to help you out, and in a month, the car was severely damaged (if not totaled…airbag deploying generally suggests the car will be written off as totaled).  

I’m glad no one was hurt, and I hope you learned a lesson about ensuring the situation is safe before exiting a parking lot, even if one driver in one of the five lanes waves you out.  You will likely be deemed at fault in this accident, and your insurance rates are going to drastically rise.

Post # 125
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

BeeLovesMTB :  Not his car when they’re splitting the cost. It’s “their” car. Just like how with a marriage it becomes about “theirs” not “his”. It’s not like she went intentionally trying to get herself into a wreck. Someone’s physical safety and emotional wellbeing after an accident is more important than a loan, car, or insurance rate. Can it be frustrating? Yes. However, is remembering the real priority what matters? Absolutely. Is handling the situation in a healthy/more productive way conducive to a better future outcome? Yes.

Absolutely I would postpone a huge legal commitment if this is how even a minor serious event is handled and if this is how communication between the two of them has been not just in the first call but the second call and all the time that has followed after the accident. 

You’re more than welcome to find my opinion ridiculous just as I find yours.

Post # 126
153 posts
Blushing bee

Ugh bee, I’m sorry. I feel like you started this thread with the intention of getting some support and advice about your FI’s reaction and it’s turning into something else entirely. It does sound like you’re taking responsibility.. maybe you need to communicate that to your Fiance as well and he will apologize? I don’t know, I’m just bouncing ideas off. You might have already done so. I’m wondering if maybe in his head he feels like you haven’t taken responsibility and that’s why he is acting so frustrated? Not justifying.. just brainstorming. Either way, I would totally be hurt if I was in your shoes with the way he reacted. Totally sending good thoughts your way as this is a stressful thing. 

Post # 127
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My son just got into an accident in my car….three weeks after getting his driver’s license.  He is 20.  Is took his eyes off the road to program his phone GPS.  Unfortunately,  this was a state that has heavy penalties for cell phone usage while driving.  He also severely damaged my car.  He called me up so upset when it happened.  

I stayed calm (thanks to my husband), asked if he was hurt, etc.  He is fine, but my car is not….he is also on our policy.  So now he has three moving violations and an accidnet.  $1000 deductible and our car insurance will SOAR.  He is going to be responsible for paying all of it.  Because of a stupid mistake. 


Yes, it is a mistake….but I am still livid inside about it.  I don’t blame your husband for being upset, but he should have asked if you were ok.  He is going to be mad about this for a while.  He is going to be paying for your mistake for years.

Post # 129
2019 posts
Buzzing bee

soymilk :  I would disagree that it is their car right now. He qualified for the loan, and it’s in his name. It’s kind of like he bought her the car, and she’s paying him back. The only reason he got the car was because she couldn’t qualify for the loan on her own. If she walked away from the relationship, he’d be responsible for the payments alone. 

I would agree with you if he had received a call from hospital staff or an EMT and his first question was “how’s the car?” 

Post # 131
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

I can’t believe there are people on here trying to get OP to take responsibility for the first accident when it was already agreed upon by all parties that it wasn’t her fault. We’re in full judgement mode this morning.

Your Fiance sounds like my dad. He makes a mistake and it’s fine, whatever, it’s okay. You make the same mistake and you never hear the end of it. That can be really hard to deal with and I wish you luck there. Maybe he’ll grow out of it.

It’s crap that he didn’t ask if you were okay. There is no excuse for that. Even if the second one is your fault there is no reason he shouldn’t have been worrieed about you first and the car second. 

Post # 133
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

OMG.  I want McDonald’s now and it’s all OP’s fault.  😁

Post # 134
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

smalltownbigworld :  Sympathy makes you feel good but I’ve been doing what I do long enough to have no trust of insurance companies. I was harsh because I’m trying to stress to you that if you give them any excuse to deny liability, then they will.  The “your call may be recorded for quality assurance purpose” blah blah recorded message you hear when you call, you don’t think they’ll hold onto that and use against you if they could?  They’ll encourage you to list forth the reasons why you think it’s not your fault, line their file with documentation of you saying that, then deny liability and leave you hanging out to dry.  If you think your situation is stressful now, how do you think things will be if that happens?

I’m guessing you don’t want that. You want them shield you from the financial fallout of a car wreck, which is the whole reason why we buy car insurance. The claims adjuster needs to accept liability on your behalf before they’ll do that.

I could pat you on the back to say “there there” too. I can do that because I’m not the one that’s going to have to miss work to go to a depo or court or pay out a judgment. 

Post # 135
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

italianbride0508 :  If they are engaged, that means they are already ready and prepared to share a life together. Clearly they were sharing a car whether his name was solely on the loan or not. Officially it may be his car. But let’s be honest, if your husband got a car for you right now and it was in his name but you both put your money towards it…in the end it’s both your car to you as a couple. Marriage is being a team. Shit happens and we work with each other not shame each other when things get rough.

Life is unpredictable. Driving can be unpredictable. OP was at fault surely and surely she’d benefit from some defensive courses. There’s no question about that.

However, if sharing a legal obligation to a car is too much when it hits hot water…how is it with a marriage when they encounter hot water in other scenarios. 

We can sit here and think we are on some higher level than OP for her mistake. However, in the end with however many driving courses you want to take, anyone on here can make a mistake or a bad judgement. I’m willing to bet a lot of you would sing a different tune if it was your partner treating you the same and kicking you when you were already down. OP knows she messed up. OP feels ashamed and feels the loss of the car just the same. Her fiancé has had the same mistake in totaling his car. 

I couldn’t fathom treating my partner that way in the moment and, if I had, I would certainly be coming back down to ground the moment after and wanting to work on how I handle things in the future for the betterment of my relationship and myself before we proceed any further.

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