- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I’m sorry that this is really long. Thanks in advance if you take the time to read.
My parents divorced when I was 3. Both remarried within a couple years. My mom had no other kids, my dad has 2 kids with my step-mom (my half brother and sister).
Growing up I lived with, and was raised by, my mom and step dad primarily, although I did see my dad FAIRLY regularly. My dad is NOT a bad/mean/ abusive person in any way, but he was not a great father. From my perspective as a child he was just… absent. And he never seemed to make it to the recitals and concerts, and other moments that were important to me. (cliché. I know). Yes, there were a lot of hurt feelings.
Because of this, my step father was, and remains, more of a father to me than my biological father ever was. But that doesn’t change the fact that my father is a part of my life, and that I love him. Despite his flaws.
A number of years ago, my bio-dad and I started to repair our relationship, and things are better now. (but I still hold my step dad in higher regard when it comes to the word “dad”). If you had asked me then- long before I even met FI- what I would like to do with the whole “dad” aspects of my future wedding- I would have said that it would be really great if both of them would walk me down the aisle- if it wouldn’t cause INSANE amounts of drama. (I knew even then what was in store).
Fast forward to my engagement. I had done a LOT of thinking about the issue, when I knew that an engagement was probably in my future, and had made a decision. A few weeks after we got engaged I asked my mother to walk me down the aisle.
Exactly what I wanted? No. A cop-out to avoid drama? Probably.
Fast forward (again) to a few months ago. I was hanging out with my father and he brought up the subject and I told him what the plan was. He said “I don’t think your mom should do it. I just assumed that [step-dad’s name] and I would walk you together.” We talked about it a little more. I was non-committal on the outside, but my mind was starting to change, and I was starting to think this might work. I just wasn’t sure how to go about the next- and hardest- step: talking to my mother. (who already has a flair for drama, and this wedding is making it even worse). But she brought it up first. About a week ago. It did not go well.
Here’s a basic run down:
Mom: [Step-dad] won’t tell you this, but he’s really upset that he’s not walking you down the aisle. And plus, I don’t want to do it. You should have him do it.
Me: well, what I REALLY would like, is to have both him and [dad’s name] walk me down the aisle together.
Me: you know that I have a relationship with my dad- and that doesn’t in any way take away from my relationship with [step dad]- I still think of him as a father, but my dad is part of my life too.
Mom: yes I know that…
And then she proceeds to basically flip out about it.
Here are some (not all) of the arguments she made:
- He deserves it more- he raised you.
- Your dad is only interested in spending time with you now because you don’t need anything from him any more.
- Your dad is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve it(that one went on for a while).
- You are a horrible person for even considering this.
- [step dad] would be so hurt if you asked him to share that moment.
- It would look stupid.
- I’ve talked to my friends about it and they can’t even believe you would be so mean to [step-dad] and not have him do it.
- Your dad will have another chance when your sister gets married
- Who walks the bride down the aisle is a symbol of who is hosting the wedding and we paid for a large portion of this wedding. (that was a new one to me).
Etc. etc. etc.
I defended myself the whole time, but was trying to be calm about it because I didn’t want to have a screaming match with her. She ended the conversation with “Think about it. I think you’re making the wrong decision”.
I’m upset and offended. I want to tell her “you guys broke up 25 years ago. Get over it for ONE DAY. Please.”
But I also have started doubting myself. Does she have a point? Am I the one that’s wrong here? I think I am too close to this situation, and maybe am lacking some perspective. So I’m asking you- what would you do?