Post # 1
To make this short, it’s been a weird past (less than) 6 months. My parents have been divorced since before I have any memories at all, and my SO’s parents have been divorced since he was about 3. Both of us grew up in broken households.
My SO found out in September his dad and stepmom will be divorcing come early this year (2019). They had/have been married about 17 years.
My dad just revealed about two weeks that he and my stepmom are no longer married but did not say when that happened, I speculate it’s been within the past 6 months. They had been married about 14 years and she will be moving far away to be near her own adult children.
I’m taking all of this news a lot harder than I expected to and I’m having a pretty severe emotional reaction to it.
Its making me question marriage in general and I’m just very upset about it all.
I really don’t know what advice or whatever I’m looking for here, I just wanted to share with someone and find some kind of comfort. I haven’t told anyone close to me besides my SO, who was there when my dad told me, and my best friend.
I love my SO so incredibly much and honestly 6 months ago I was daydreaming about getting engaged to him and now I barely want to think about my own wedding and want to wait a long time before even getting engaged let alone married.
It’s just a lot and I’m unsure how to process it all.
Sorry this wasn’t short, I really did try lol.
Post # 2
That’s all really hard, OP. I hope you have some good support you can lean on (whether your SO or friend or a good therapist/counselor). I’ve had some loved ones suddenly divorce after many years together and I remember the response of a lot of their communities (especially their adult children) being “WTF?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Also- it seems like your dad’s situation would be even more shocking since he presented it as a done deal, not something currently happening or coming up. That’s really disconcerting.
Take care of yourself <3
Post # 3
I can definitely see how that’s a turnoff / shock to your confidence. Divorces, especially messy ones, always make you second guess your own relationship and impending marriage. But it helps to know that there are often things they’re obviously doing wrong or just imcompatible to begin with that if you were on the outside looking in from the start, you would’ve said “that would never last”. Sadly I’ve been very good at calling these things a number of times, but it also gives me confidence in that these issues and obvious red flags I could easily see if I had any sense, and they don’t exist in my relationship, so it gives me comfort that my relationship has a better chance of lasting than those that failed around me.
It’s sadder to see relationships end where you thought it was perfect and they’re just “THE couple”. Truth is you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. And even if they WERE perfectly, relationships can still fail from neglect / simply getting too comfortable.
With all that said, just because you worry that something may fail one day, for reasons you do not and cannot foresee right now, should you really let that stop you from living that life that you really wanted? Be with that person you really wanted to be with? Build those memories that will last a life time? So what if it fails one day, you’ve lived your life and collected wonderful experiences and memories with someone you love deeply. To me that’s worthwhile. What’s the alternative? Be too scared and not live your life, die sad and lonely wondering what could have beeen?
Post # 4
I can totally see why this has jarred you and made you a bit unsure about marriage, but the reality is that they are not YOU. And people who have been divorced once already are statistically more likely to divorce again. (The more times, the higher the likelihood).
Recognise that they come from a different time as well, when people perhaps got married (the first time) younger and had a lot more social pressure to maybe take that step before they were ready.
Younger generations are waiting longer, getting married older and making decisions about their long term partnerships based on their lived experiences and what they truly want for their future. Divorce rates among millennials are the lowest in decades and the trend continues downward.
All this to say, the marriages of older generations are not the marriages of younger ones. Just because those marriages “failed” doesn’t mean anything about yours.