(Closed) Two Jews Getting Married: Practically Interfaith!

posted 8 years ago in Interfaith
Post # 3
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you should really talk to your SO about how you’re feeling.  You both need to be on the same page to both be happy with things going forward.

Post # 4
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree that you need to have a serious talk with him.  It makes me concerned for the future of your marriage if he is not willing to compromise with you on something so significant.

Post # 7
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Wow.  Have the two of you dealt with your differing religious beliefs?  Lies are no way to stat a commitment (to be clear I don’t mean you’re lying to each other! but potentially lying by saying/doing thing you don’t believe in at the ceremony).  Have the two of you talked about what you will do about Passover, High Holy days, kosher, and raising children?  I think the ceremony is super important, the most important part of the day and the process and really needs to be meaninful to you.  Jewish law is actually pretty flexible in terms of what is necessary for a Jewish marriage (from what I know) there are maybe five elements and you can add on anything you want without damaging that legality.  If something I disagreed with was really important to my SO I might do it but try not to make it part of the ceremony and kind of business like and focus on the ceremony that was meaninful to me.

Post # 8
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know much about jewish weddings. What is it that you have to say or do that you don’t believe in?

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

For example you can write your own vows – nothing in Judaism makes that illegal or prohibited.

Post # 10
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Many Jews are in similar situations about this …. do not panic! Have you read Anita Diamant’s book, the New Jewish Wedding? The actual halachic requirements for a Jewish wedding are *extremely* minimal. The groom doesn’t have to say one word about God, let alone the bride!!! Most of the things people do are honestly just customs … you don’t even have to have a rabbi! try looking through the book together and discussing, piece by piece, which customs are most important to him and which are most offensive to you… that way instead of a super (scary) abstract discussion about God or the lack thereof, it’s just different concrete things you can discuss your feelings about. 

Post # 11
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Is there any music or a reading that would have special meaning for you?

Could you have the rabbi weave into his statement something about you in particular that you think is vital to your relationship? The last wedding I went to was Orthodox and the only thing in English was a speech by the Rabbi’s statement about the couple. My dear friend is very observant, but not at ALL they typical Orthodox woman. It was really great to see some of her in the ancient ceremonies.

Maybe have an awesomely different chuppah? Or ketubah?

I’m not super familiar with Jewish wedding traditions, so I may have missed some things. I would just encourage you to find a way to express who you are.

Post # 13
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i second what arachna said about jewish tradition/law being flexible. it’s really, really important to be on the same page about religion in general in terms of how it affects your life. my parents’ jewish wedding was also treated like an interfaith marraige because my dad’s family was orthodox and my mom’s was reform, and it really poisioned their memories of the day because they were just trying to keep everyone happy. but fundementally they believed in the same things, and have had an amazing, almost 40-year marraige. i think it is important to both love what’s in the ceremony, but the role of religion down the road in your marriage is an even more important consideration

Post # 13
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Have the two of you discussed how you will raise your children?  How you will deal with the High Holidays?  Does he expect you to fast or not eat pork in the home?  How you resolve these issues for your marriage ceremony will show you how effectively you can manage these issues in the future.

Post # 15
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am a converted Jew so there are some secular things that, to me, make a wedding.  They aren’t Jewish, they aren’t religious, but we are adding them to our otherwise very Jewish ceremony because they are the traditions that I grew up with and are important to me.  Maybe you can find a compromise that is similar?

For example, we are saying the “traditional”  to have and to hold, sickness and health vows even though they aren’t used in Jewish ceremonies.  We are also having a good friend do a very non-traditional poem that she wrote for us (she’s a slam poet) that she is performing while I walk the extremely traditional 7 circles.  

We added just enough small, personal touches that it feels like the weddings we both grew up with.  My parents think it feels really Jewish, his parents think it’s a little lax in the Jewish department – but Fiance and I LOVE it.  

First, figure out very specifically things that you would like to add that are important to you and then work with your Fiance and your rabbi to incorporate them.  It can be done!!  Good luck!   

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