Post # 1
So on friday my SO tells me he wants us to get a house before we get married and we should be able to do that in 1 – 1 1/2 years…. ok.
On sunday he says we should try to take my kids to a cabin on the lake next summer cause we didn’t get to this summer… sounds like an awesome plan.
Last night…. he gets home late from taking my kids on an outing (i had to work) Is very silent, not “how was work”…. nothing. I asked why he was so silent, he then tells me we have a problem…actually a few !!!
He tells me he grately cares for me and my 2 kids, and that is why he has tried so hard to be what we need… but he does not want to live a lie forever. He doesn’t want to ever get married or have a baby, was just trying to make me happy. He loves me but the way you love a bestfriend… “want to see them happy, doing good in life”. Said he has felt this way for a few months but thought it was a cold feet kind of thing, but has realized it is real, the way he feels.
Says he still cares deeply, and will always be there for me and my girls… as a friend. We were planning our lives together just days before ???
Part of me want this to blow over, he goes back out to camp next week…and maybe some time alone will make him realize what he is throwing away.
Part of me does not want to be with someone that is unsure of being with me. But I love him so deeply !!! I never left the “honeymoon area”… not sure how he did. 🙁
I have some really tough choices to make in the next while… I just feel so lost, broken, and alone.
Thank you to anyone who got to the end of my emotional rant…. just needed to get this out… and I’m not ready to start telling family and friends.
Post # 3
Ohh, I’m so sorry. You must be hurting so much. What a strange and awful surprise.
Let him go back to camp where he can be alone, and see what happens. But this does sound like you and he are not going to work as a couple.
Be strong. You’ll find a way through.
Post # 4
@angeleyes2012: Ohh, I’m so sorry. Did you have any hints or warnings that he was feeling like this? Did something happen in his personal life – did someone upset him, someone die, get back in touch with him – any major changes?
ETA: Also just want to say that if he really does feel this way, then you and your kids definitely deserve something, and someone, much better!
Post # 5
Thanks… being strong is so hard right now.
Post # 6
@LilacViolet: He has been hanging out with his younger brother a lot more lately, who has no cares in the world, works evenings, and parties all the time.
Post # 7
I am so sorry… In a situation like this I say that once you get through the storm, what’s waiting for you on the other side will be much better. Hang in there. *hugs*
Post # 8
@angeleyes2012: I just reread that he said he has been feeling this way for a few months – omg. How awful of him to lead you and your kids on while he wasn’t feeling certain.
Post # 9
@angeleyes2012: I am so very sorry that you are going through this. As a fellow mom whose kids are very attached to my SO I know how hard this is because it isn’t just your heart that is breaking. My SO and I seperated for 6 weeks in January because I was pressuring him and he did realize what he was throwing away. My best advice is to move forward and be strong and if it was meant to be it will all work out. Hugs to you and your kids!
Post # 10
I’m so sorry to hear what happened 🙁
How long have you been together? Have you been pressuring him about getting married and having a baby (i.e. scared him off)? Is this the first indication you’ve had that he’s pulling away from you, or have there been other signs before now?
It sounds like he’s seen how carefree his brother is and he’s comparing himself. Committing to a woman with children is a big step for anyone, and if he’s been hanging out with his brother then maybe he’s been pulling away for a while (not that I blame his brother of course). Maybe he simply isn’t ready for marriage and a ready-made family.
I think all you can do is give him some space. But don’t keep contacting him, letting him know the door is still open, etc. He’s decided he wants the relationship to be over so cut him out of your lives completely. Let him see that you mean business – he won’t be allowed to mess you around – if he wants out, then he’s totally out from this moment forward. Let him find out what it’s like to not have you in his life. Don’t make it an easy transition for him by letting him slowly fade out on you. The feeling of being suddenly and completely cut off is probably the only thing which might shock him into realising what he’s doing and encourage him to reconsider.
Post # 11
We have been together almost 2 years. He brought both baby/getting married up on his own accord. He has been distant in the bedroom for a while, but said it had nothing to do with me and was always intimate otherways (holding hands, cuddling, etc.)
I will give him all the space he can handle… it will be hard, but I can stay strong. I am ready for this to go either way (midlife crisis / not the right person) It’s just REALLY hard right now. All “our” dreams gone… having to explain to my kids that we can’t be together anymore….. it’s just all so much. But this is still in the first 24hrs, and I hope I can cope more as each day goes by.
I tried so hard today at work… but as soon as my supervisor asked why I looked so sad….. total ugly cry breakdown.
Now I have to go home and try to be strong infront of my girls… thinking I may just tell them mommy has a headake as my face has yet to not look red today.
Post # 12
@angeleyes2012: I so know what you are going through 🙁 I was so lucky my SO and I separated on a day when my kids were with their dad for 2 days so I was able to have some time to process what was going on before I had to tell them. Mine were 4 and 6 at the time so I was able to hide things a little easier than if they were older. It wasn’t easy on my kids but I just tried to be honest with them. We all cried together several times. Every day will get easier, I promise. Try to remember to take care of yourself. Eat and try to sleep. Sending good thoughts your way!
Post # 13
I am so sorry, it is hard when both of you dont want the same things or have the same feelings. I would say that you need to do what is best of you and your girls. It is best that you know how he feels now and not after the wedding.
I am sorry again and I hope it works out for the best. 🙂
Post # 14
You don’t have to be strong, I think you need to give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, that is the only way to come to terms with it. You can (I think you should) cry/let the feelings run free, though I would encourage you to do so away from your girls, but you can tell them that Mommy is sad.
Relationships between two people are a lot of work, but y’all have a relationship between 4 people, which is a heck of a lot of work for everyone involved.
We all want you to be happy, and if your man doesn’t share your values and goals than I don’t think he is truely able to make your personal life fulfilled (even if it has been happy in the shorter term). I understand that you love him, but part of what you love was the idea of your life together long term, which sounds like it was partially a fabrication on his behalf. Hence part of what you love about him isn’t really part of him.
I’ve been there (minus kiddos) and it is really REALLY hard. I had to move out and reevaluate my priorities. The priorities stayed the same, we both matured, and now we’re married. But I really needed that time and distance to cry and sort things out. I’ve also been through my parents splitting up, and hearing Mom cry through the bedroom wall sticks with you.
I hope this didn’t come across as too harsh, I don’t mean for it to be, I just want you to take a step back and seperate the real man from the idea of him (including your image of your life together in the future), they are two different things.
Post # 15
I’m so sorry this is happening, it sounds very painful and it’s awful that he led you on like that. One thing that you should keep in mind is that no matter how you feel, you should 100% believe him when he tells you something about himself. So when he says he doesn’t want marriage or kids, believe him and don’t sit around hoping he’ll change his mind.
Post # 16
Ouch! Do you think he would be willing to try counseling? Maybe it is just the stress of making a life-long committment to someone has him stresssing out. Good luck and keep us posted. I’m so sorry.