(Closed) Two Weddings?

posted 9 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Coming from somebody who’s marry into the military, this is a very common event. If you don’t want to avoid double rent and stuff, you kind of have no choice. Since you’re talking about living on base, I’m guessing he’s enlisted, in which case it would be very beneficial to you to marry before you move down to the base. I know of people who kept their wedding secret. Or told the Priest about it, and it was a very understandable thing. Try to justify it for something besides financial reasons, though, so you don’t feel so guilty.

Honestly, I kind of wish my Fiance and I had gotten married before his deployment. We didn’t want to do it "just for money" but an extra 25K would have been awfully nice now that we’re paying for our own wedding.

In the military, this sort of thing isn’t even thought about twice. It’s very common and very accepted. And I think it’s a difficult thing to get advice for unless it’s from a military personnel because military life is totally different, I promise. Find some online military chat boards and see if you can see how some other military wives handled this.

It shouldn’t be a problem to have a religious ceremony though, a year after your actual certificate wedding. Some people refer to this as the White Dress wedding, amongst some other things. I have some catholic friends who got married 2 years ago, and their "wedding" is this upcoming June. They’re still having the whole shebang. We all know about it, and nobody is judging them for it at all! I say you try not to keep it a big fat secret, though. It will likely get out. Who cares, anyways?!  

Post # 4
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’m about to marry into the military and my Fiance and I are very seriously considering getting married by law for financial reasons. I’ve told my mom and dad and he’s told his mom and dad and those are the only people who’ll know about it. My brother is officiating our wedding in February, so we’re considering telling him just so he’ll be in the know and so when we have to sign our marriage license in front of everyone he’ll understand when it looks completely fake!

I wouldn’t worry about it at all! Like ejs4y8 mentioned above, it’s VERY common and accepted within the military – and if the word somehow does get out, people will more than likely understand. 

Post # 5
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

When reading this, please keep in mind I’m a total hypocrite who lived in sin with my Fiance before we were married in a Catholic Church- so I’m definitely not on a high horse, just trying to mirror what you’ve said!

This is an awfully big thing to hide/lie about.  I think it’s kind of ironic asking for advice on how to lie to a priest!  Especially since you say you are religious!  I think you already know what you should do.

Do you really want to start your marriage with a lie?  What if people find out?  (Presumably people in your FI’s family or your own family are familiar about how on-base housing works and what it takes to get military benefits- how are you going to explain your living arrangements?  Are you going to lie about that too and not let your family visit you for a year?) I generally think, in serious matters, that honesty is the best policy.

Why not talk to the priest- tell him you don’t want to lie, and you would like to live true to your faith and ask for his advice.  He will probably suggest getting married in the church earlier or just not living together- not moving to be near him until you’re married.

Why not have a small ceremony at the church with your immediate family and then later have the big party with a vow renewal later (being already married in the eyes of the church means you can have a outdoor ceremony or any kind of ceremony you want!).

I know my mom would have felt absolutely BETRAYED if I got married in secret and denied her the joy of being there.

Also- you mention you don’t want to get married just for financial reasons so you would lie and keep it a secret.  Do you really mean that?  Or do you and your Fiance want to be married because you love each other and just want to change the timing for financial reasons?  That’s a BIG distinction.  Keep it in mind.

If you want to live by your faith, just have a small something sooner and a vow renewal/big party later.

Post # 6
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Rosychicklet has lots of good points. Coming clean with everyone probably isn’t as big of a deal as you think it is. That being said…

Is he looking to get deployed soon? Everyone I know who got married in secret did it "just in case something bad happened". The fact that the whole battalion was going to Iraq bumped up the married numbers significantly. There’s a lot of inner peace in this. They women wanted to know that if he was shot and in Germany, they would be allowed to see their significant other without all the red tape. None of them wore rings for it, and none of the women considered themselves "Married". They still referred to their husband as their fiance. 

I wish we would have done this because I lost my younger brother in a car accident in January, halfway through my FI’s deployment. I needed him with me, and there was absolutely zero chance he could be here for me. I struggled without his support. 

You didn’t mention an iminent deployment…but I thought I’d throw that spin your way. I think it changes things if he’s not getting deployed soon, per my post above as to who cares if you get married early, hurrah, right? Or, should I say hooah?

Those military boards are a great support system no matter what. They’re great if you don’t have access to an FRG (family readiness group) or you want some super confidentiality in asking questions about things in regards to your relationship. I’ve used them frequently in the past and now have zero qualms about what I’m getting myself into. Very "been there done that" even though my Fiance is getting out in November.  

 

Post # 8
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Britt- I never doubted your motivations for getting married!

I just wanted to make sure you didn’t say something like that to your priest!

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, the deployment changes everything, man! Your health isnurance is important, as are any of the things that can go wrong. You want him to be able to come home if you’re in a car accident, right? Well, he can’t if you’re not married. You do’nt think about this until it happens to you!!! I was in an accident 8 weeks after my brothers’. Luckily nothing hurt, but boy, all the signs kept pointing me to "you should have gotten married!"

Those sites are super helpful. Deployments are no walk in the park, but I think your attitude about them changes how miserable or how OK your life is while your Fiance is gone. Or husband! The first month is the harest. If you have any Q’s about that kidn of stuff, let me know. I’m not sure how old you are, but that plays into a big factor too. I hate to be age prejudice, but the 18-year-olds had more trouble than the women in their 20’s, but not NEAR as much of a hard time as the women with kids!!! There’s a lot of responsibility in taking care of his finances, etc etc. There’s a lot of work. I always considered being childless a blessing in disguise while he was gone. School will keep you busy, I promise. It kept me super distracted. 

Plus i believe you can get tuition assistance for being a spouse of a deployed military member…or just for being part of the military. Something like that! 

Post # 10
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm I definitely can understand your position! 

My suggestion would be similar to one of the ones offered above: to have the small service, but not to keep it a secret. You could have your parents there to witness and still go through with the wedding in the summer as a "celebration of your marriage". I think it would still be a wonderful event and everyone would understand! 

Post # 11
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh, PS.

One thing I love about USAA is that they consider fiance close enough. I don’t know how far this extends, but I imagine it qualifies for bank accounts, insurance, etc. Maybe something to look into! 

Post # 12
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I just wanted to throw out a military forum/board that I’m on that I really enjoy; it’s called Women of Liberty, http://www.womenofliberty.com I think you have to get approved, but that took like a day. I joined when my Fiance went through his first deployment and I can’t tell you how fantastic it was to have support from other women in similar situations!

Post # 14
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

There are many of us in a similar boat!

We made it legal early for similar reasons.  We really didnt want to do 2 weddings, and we really didnt want to tell anyone. (Not everyone understands.)  We went to the Capt (Coast Guard O-6) who was also a notary, and he signed the paper for us with NO wedding stuff.  Woohoo for Florida not having ceremony requirements! He made us kiss and signed the paper work and that was it.  I wouldnt have changed a thing because i REALLY did not want to have a second ceremony that in my head would take away from the formal one (MY MENTAL PROCESS – no jugdement on anyone else). We were married last weekend and it was wonderful even though the military and the states think it was a few months ago.  I would say you need to talk to your priest ASAP.  My brother and sister-in-law made it legal early and when they went to meet with a priest were turned away.  We told our priest and he replied "Ok.  I’ve actually done this several times. So no paperwork for me?" That was it. Simple and I was relieved. Heres the kicker – both priest are Episcopalian!  Its a personal preference  – not a dioscean decision so  you need to talk to him soon as opposed to later just in case. 

Post # 15
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

my fiance is in the Army. we are doing the exact same thing you are. we have already told our pastor & we are only telling the people closest to us. we have explained to them our situation & they completely understand. they know we are having the big wedding in october & they will be there….so they are fine with it. we are getting married in 11 days. but all our close family and friends have been invited out to eat afterwards. everyone was cool with it here. but i hope everything works out for you! Congrats. 🙂

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