Post # 46
I think people are catty on her just because they can be. Who cares if you didn’t know you couldnt get married outside? It doesn’t mean you aren’t a real Catholic. Moving on..
I think 2 weddings is a great idea. Guests have no reason to think it’s rude- why would they think free food and dancing is rude? Also, personally I would rather attend an outdoor ceremony than have to sit in uncomfortable church pews. My family is Catholic (I was baptized Catholic but haven’t been practicing), and I’ve never actually attended a traditional Catholic wedding, but if one of my cousins did what you’re doing, no one would care or think twice about it. I don’t think any of my practicing Catholic cousins have gotten married in a church, so I don’t really understand the rules behind it, but does the church “kick you out” if you dont have a Catholic ceremony? Or do they just not consider you actually married? It doesn’t make sense to me because legally you’re going to be married regardless, so how can they not recognize it?
I would consider your outdoor wedding the actual wedding day. For the pp who said your grandfather wouldn’t be performing the ceremony, just doing a “reading”, they obviously don’t understand what you’re saying. You’re basically going to be having a second ceremony where you exchange vows, and your grandfather will be acting as the officiant- that’s not doing a reading, that’s performing a ceremony, even if it’s not the legal one.
I’m getting married on a boat, and if my religion prevented that, I would have 2 weddings in a heartbeat.
Post # 47
scissorgirl: obviously I am aware of the fact that I have to have a Catholic wedding in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest now. When we got engaged we both did our research and came to understsnd this. That is why I created this thread to begin with, because I am now aware of the predicament. You have made it blatantly clear that it is absurd how a practicing Catholic could not know such a thing. Point made. Enough said. I have never attended a Catholic wedding before in my life. I have no friends who are Catholic. My parents weren’t Catholic when thy married. It wasn’t something I generally concerned myself with until recently because I wasn’t looking into marriage until recently. In fact I couldn’t have cared less about the process before! I had my ideas and dreams but it wasn’t something I thought to research heavily and it wasn’t something that I remember discussing in church.
it’s pretty petty of you to pick at someone’s faith like that. People make mistakes. Leave it alone.
Post # 48
honey421: diana5763: no one is questioning OP’s spirituality. what’s being questioned is the importance for OP to be married in the Catholic Church, when OP wasn’t even aquainted with the very basic rules of doing so – rules which at the latest you learn when you make your confirmation. i don’t buy the supposed statements by OP’s priest that many practicing Catholics aren’t aware of the rules about getting married – i have a feeling that all of those people who come to him not knowing this aren’t actually practicing, but just say that they are because now for some reason or other (family pressure, etc) they’ve decided they want to have a Catholic wedding.
you can do whatever you want OP. but here’s something to think about. You say that you’re going to consider your “wedding” to be the outdoor ceremony performed by your grandfather. If that’s the case, then what is your issue with convalidation? If you’re choosing what ceremony is the “real” one, then it shoudln’t matter if convalidation is saying that your previous ceremony wasn’t real, since you’re choosing what’s “real” anyway. on the other hand, if you care so much about what the Catholic church is deeming as “official”, then you should consider your catholic wedding mass your “real” wedding, and the outdoor ceremony is just a vow renewal. basically, you’re logic is flawed. Either YOU choose your “real” wedding, and it doesn’t matter what the Catholic church says (in which case, you might as well just go the convalidation route), or your “real” wedding is dictated by the Church, in which case the outdoor ceremony by grandfather isn’t your real wedding anyway….so you might as well just have a Catholic mass and save the trouble of doing two.
Post # 49
maritimebride2016: Thank you for commenting 🙂 after talking with my priest, I know the reasoning behind why the Catholic Church wouldn’t consider my marriage valid if it wasn’t done properly.. The ideas is that the sacrament is what binds us. i don’t know that I particularly understand so much because as far as I’m concerned, my marriage is between me, my Fiance and God. Not me, my Fiance and the church. My priest understood where I was coming from, but to avoid future issues we decided it best have have a Catholic ceremony first.
That being said, I am on the same page as you! I feel there is nothing wrong with having my grandfather as the officiant for the wedding in Florida and I agree that because there will be a public ceremony going on with everyone involved it wouldn’t be a problem to use that date as our anniversary, thank you!
Post # 50
honey421: Of course! I didn’t want you to feel all the way out there on your own here. I honestly can say that I don’t remember them sitting us down during confirmation classes (when I was 15) or during PSR saying exactly what you need to do if you want your marriage recognized in all of the circumstances. For example: marriage to christian of a different faith in a catholic church or another church, circumstances where a priest will get permission from a bishop to marry a couple outside of the church, marriage to someone who isn’t christian, marriage to someone who isn’t baptized but considers themselves christian, circumstances when a convalidation will be granted, the process if one or both of you are divorced. I think it gets confusing because priests will behave differently. For example, had a friend who was pregnant and wanted to get married in the church, disclosed this to the priest. Her priest turned them away, sinners and all that, and refused to grant the marriage. They went to another catholic church in the area and the priest married them no problem, full mass and everything. Lol looks like I’m a terrible Catholic and someone completely ignorant to common knowledge on this one, oh well. Our thought process was, well let’s go talk to the priest to see how this works in our situation. Sounds like you’ve come to a conclusion that will work for you – best wishes!
Post # 51
It doesn’t really sound like the Catholic wedding is super important to you based on all your posts, so I would just go convalidation and have your one ceremony with your Grandpa. A Catholic marriage is actually between you, your husband, God AND the Church. If as far as you are concerned, your marriage isn’t between you and the Church, I wouldn’t do the Catholic ceremony. It’s great you want your marriage to be recognized by the Church but it doesn’t sound like the actual ceremony is super important to you (or you’d be doing that and outdoor reception). I would have loved an outdoor ceremony in the mountains but it just wasn’t an option because I’m Catholic and that ceremony was very important to me.
To answer your original question though, your Catholic ceremony is your real wedding so I’d use that as the anniversary!!
Post # 52
Just fyi– a Catholic wedding doesn’t need to be in a church or done by a priest. it traditionally is, but there are a ton of Catholic weddings done in California outside by brothers and deacons on hallowed ground. They are especially popular in Monterey/Carmel and Napa/Sonoma.
I mean if we want to be super technical about the sacrament, you only need a bride and groom because technically the bride and groom are the ones who perform it.
You have to pick what’s the most important to you and it sounds like you have a good compromise with a ceremony and then a party. I would care but I bet I’m in the minority and the rest of your guests would never even think about it again for the rest of their lives. You do you.
Post # 53
SFBride1220: For those weddings to be considered valid under canon law, there had to have been prior dispensation by the bishop. The OP’s understanding of the validity issue (as explained by her priest), is correct in her case.
Post # 54
ronmcdon: why would her priest not support a dispensation? In CA they are fairly straight forward. I would assumme a state like FL would be similar?
Post # 55
SFBride1220: In most dioceses, dispensations of place are given when people must marry at a hospital if a family member is ill, or in a church of another denomination if one member of the couple is not Catholic. It is not common practice in most of the US for bishops to grant dispensations just because a couple wants to be married outside. Also, in the OP’s case, she would like her grandfather to perform the ceremony, and since she and her Fiance are Catholic, a dispensation wouldn’t cover that anyway.