(Closed) two weeks b4 the wedding…what do i do

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not sure if it’s a way of saying he doesn’t want to marry you, but you have  right to be concerned.  How do you know he’ll stop?  The only thing that gives us assurance is time.  And he refuses to give you that.  What if he really is a lousy drunk and hits you?  What if he gambles all of your money while drunk, and you’re broke?  What kind of dad (and role model) will he be for your children?  How will you know in general, when he’s telling the truth? 

I ‘ve known some husbands who were alcoholics.  They were all lousy husbands.

Good luck.  Be strong, do what is best for you and your future.

Post # 4
47 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

The major thing wrong with all of that, is that he’s lying and hiding things from you. With your wedding being in two weeks, he should be on his best behavior, I mean if it’s his bachelor party that’s a different story. If he’s acting like this now, I think after your married things might get worse. You two need to sit down and try to find the reasons why he does those things, especially if he is a recovering alcoholic. If you are willing to help him get through this, and be there for him then get married. But you have to love him and help him. At the same time he needs to help himself, and maybe seek some proffesional help for his addictions.

This might be his way of dealing with the stress of the wedding also. I think you need to talk with him more about this, and find out what the two of you really want to do.

Good luck

Post # 5
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so sorry, missy, that you are dealing with this right before your wedding.  I feel so bad for you.  Really, it just plain sucks.  Yes, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and doesn’t lie to you.  But more importantly, you deserve a husband who is committed to you enough that he listens when you tell him he has a problem.

The terrible truth is that your Fi has an addiction problem.  This is obviously a deal-breaker for you, and that means it HAS to be addressed before you get married.  I agree that you should call off the wedding right now, even though I know that would be such a hard decision to make.  Unfortunately, though, your Fi has shown you that he needs help to permanently kick his addictions; he’s tried on his own, and it didn’t work.

Addictions are a life-long battle.  He can’t be "cured" so to speak, and will probably struggle with this for the rest of his life.  Are you willing to struggle with him?  If you love him enough to help him confront his addictions and support him even when he messes up and fails, tell him.  But I also think it’s completely acceptable to say that no, you can’t give that kind of support and walk away.  I think it’s really telling, too, that he said you should either have the wedding or just break up.  He might not be really willing to face his addictions yet.  For a lot of people, they have to hit the literal bottom of the barrel before they are ready to turn their life around.  I feel so terrible for you because if he hasn’t hit that bottom yet, who knows when he will.

My advice is to tell him that his addictions are a problem that have to be addressed before you can marry him.  Let him know that you’re in for the long haul, but you’re not going to marry a man who isn’t willing to seek the help he needs to get better.  Going to AA meetings is an awesome start, but I also think couples counseling is an excellent way to go.  And possibly individual counseling with an addiction specialist.  Know that it’s possible he will decide it’s easier to walk away from you than to get the help he needs.  If that happens, you have all of us for support.  But he has shown that is not capable of stopping his addictions on his own, and that means that marriage isn’t going to stop it either.  

I just want you to know that I am definitely thinking about you, and I really hope you are able to come to a decision that is best for your future. 

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