(Closed) Ugh.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

@GwenvonD: *hugs* There are always bad days. But I’m sure there are great ones too, when you look into your loved one’s eyes and you can see it to believe it right then. If the love is there, then you are so lucky and you really don’t need any shiny thing on your finger to remind you of that love. Just close your eyes and take a moment to remember how it feels when you’re smiling into each other’s eyes.

And no, that won’t stop you wanting the shiny thing or wondering when it’s coming or feeling frustrated that there’s nothing you can do to speed things up. But when you’re feeling really low and questioning whether it even will happen at all, remember the love and your trust of your loved one and the happy feeling you both get together and that should help to convince you that it is just a matter of time, it is inevitable, it cannot not happen because there is just such a great love there.

Sorry I can’t make the pain go away. Some days are just really bad. But not every day! And if they’re really, really bad, you should talk to our SO to share your feelings. I’m sure no-one’s SO wants them to be hurting and these kind of talks can be really productive to air where you’re both at. Good luck waiting!

Post # 4
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Wow! Before I found these boards I thought I was losing it. I thought I was the only waiting girl that felt this way! You gals are proof that I’m not:) I know exactly how you feel. I was bitter and at times still can be, I’m def. a see it to believe it girl. Boyfriend or Best Friend said he was going to propose around the 4th of July. Money said no lol. BUT he didn’t tell me! He just went on with me hanging..I felt so stupid. I finally asked what the deal was and he broke down and told me he couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to let me down. It hurt soooo much. Mostly because he thought I wouldn’t notice if he just went on and never said a word. I’ve told him it doesn’t need to be a surprise. One thing that has helped alot, I say ok I need 5 minutes to talk engagement. We do, he answers all my questions, then we move on. If you want a surprise that method might not work.

I asked what his main concern was about buying a ring and he said money. We are now looking into moissanite. There are a few diff. options to look at.

I just found i can’t hold it in otherwise I’m angry with Boyfriend or Best Friend and he doesn’t understand why even though to me it’s obvious. Can you talk to him about it? Does he know how important it is? Can he give a timeline? Although I caution against those as u know my case already lol. Does he want marriage?Can he tell you his major concerns?

I hope this helps.

~Sarh~

Post # 6
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

@GwenvonD: That’s very frustrating. I was in that spot with my Boyfriend or Best Friend around the 3 year mark. Marriage wasn’t even on his mind. There were things he was trying to accomplish 1st. Like he needed to graduate college and be working. A few other things. Maybe ur bf is trying to accomplish a few more things?

Whatever it is I hope he can get on the marriage track with you. I hate bad weeks too.

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@GwenvonD: I think you just need to sit him down and talk to him. While you may want a proposal thats all romantic and a surprise, it may not be in the cards. Just tell him flat out, “I need to see progress, and since you can’t do it on your own, then we need to work together. I want to get married next September and wedding venues book up fast, sometimes sooner than a year out. This needs to happen ASAP in order for me to start planning.”  If he has done nothing, then maybe you need to show him all the things that go into a wedding (the checklist on the Knot might help) so he realizes just how much work is involved. THat could kick him into gear. And especially if you guys want kids, he really needs to step up.

I don’t believe that moving in delays things, but I guess because for me, it probably actually sped things up. But then again, I had no timeline, I knew at 21 we were going to be together forever, and I wanted to be done with college before marriage, so he had about a 4 year window there, and we didn’t really talk about it, except to talk about our future, but not the wedding. It jsut wasn’t a priority for me.

((HUGS)) Bottom line is, he either needs to get the show on the road or you guys need to reevaluate what you both want out of the future

Post # 8
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

I’m right there with you….I’m in the stage “I don’t care if he proposes.”  Without these boards, I wouldn’t even know that was a stage that others go through.  I would have thought that I just “didn’t care” anymore.  It’s very frustrating.  It’s to the point that I don’t even want to see him as often.  We only see each other weekends because we live an hour apart.  We take turns at each other’s places Fri – Sun.  This weekend it was my turn and I didn’t even go until Saturday.  Didn’t feel like it. 

I’m sure your guy is more sincere but them saying “yeah that sounds good” to a time frame means nothing without seeing action.  You’re absolutely right.  Mine agreed to a time frame only later to say he wasn’t “really that comfortable with it.”

Self esteem…taking a beating.   I feel ya!!!

Post # 10
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MrsSl82be: All I have to say is, wow, that was a great post!

I think to an extent that not talking about it and watching how much you discuss weddings, etc. can do some damage. Men’s brains are not like ours! If you arent talking about it, he probably isnt thinking about it as much as you are.

I agree that you really need to talk to him…it’s not like you are 22 begging for a ring so you can have a wedding. You have legit concerns…you are 31, the baby window is still open, but slowly closing…and you have been together for FOUR YEARS! If he cannot openly talk about this with you and give you a firm timeline or indication that he is going to do it and is actively planning (not First This, Then the Ring, I mean like…yes I have it or yes it is coming in the mail, etc.), then you might need to think about what you want from a future together. I’m not saying to leave…but you need to talk about it. You are right..anyone can go ring shopping. You just need to find out if he is doing those things to buy more time or if he really, really, is seriously putting together a proposal.

Listen to what your heart is telling you. If you truly believe he is not planning and is just stringing you along, then you have some decisions to make. By talking to him, and being totally honest, you might find out things you don’t want to hear…but at least you will have some answers. You can’t keep yourself in limbo like this if it is making you sad and miserable.

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@GwenvonD: If he tells you that you ruined a surprise, then tell him your surprised he was even making progress, and ask why its taking so long. Then tell him that you don’t want a surprise because you just need to get things done. If he’s not a person that normally does things like that, don’t expect that he will make an exception for this. Not a lot of guys will. My husband proposed to me just the 2 of us, with no one else around. He had planned to do it at dinner (we were on a cruise) but he was just way too nervous, so he did it in our room. Which was huge, because he’s not very emotional in front of other people, usually just me. So, in the end, it was just like him to propose the way he did. And, I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

So you have 2 choices, keep feeling this way and not bring it up, or bring it up and there is a small chance that you will ruin a surpirse, but I honestly think its highly unlikely. You could not even bring up the engagement persay, you could say something like, “I know we had talked about a September wedding, and if that is still the plan, then we need to at least get the venue booked asap, because these things fill up fast. Print off a list of all things that should be done a year out (venue, photography, catering, etc) and show him that without these things, there won’t be a wedding, or it will have to happen later. Guys just really dont’ know how much goes into planning a wedding and how long you need to do it. Light a fire under his ass! If he says anything about the proposal, tell him that at this point, you just want him to do something so you can get started planning.

Post # 12
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@soyjoy222: I can say the same about you, dear! You have made some excellent points as well. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@MrsSl82be: I 100% agree with you!  I know my guy was (and still kind of is) ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about how much time & work can go into a wedding.  I mean, clearly, if you’re planning to book your local church & they have a reception hall, it might not take nearly as much time as trying to book a nice hotel in a large, urban area *pokes my Boyfriend or Best Friend some more!*, but it doesn’t happen overnight (unless its Vegas!)

Post # 14
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@GwenvonD: I’ll say to you the same thing I say to every Waiting Bee who’s been with her SO for years, has no major obstacles in the way of getting married, and is reaching the end of her waiting rope.  It is time to sit him down and discuss the idea of mutually declaring yourselves to be engaged.  Right now.  The ring can come later or you can by an inexpensive stand-in if having something on your finger is important to you.  The time for an elaborate surprise proposal has come and gone – he’s had plenty of time to make that happen if it was important to either of you.  And he’s had plenty of time to decide whether a life with you is what he wants.

Post # 15
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Weren’t we thinking he’d propose in England?  What happened to make you feel this way Gwen?

Post # 16
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@MissNoodles: Ditto. I was thinking the same thing. 

Sorry you’re feeling this way, @GwenvonD:, but just wanted to give you ((hugs)). I’m kind of almost in the same stage you are, I’m over the whole surprise aspect. Let’s just get this done, already bub! Shit or get off the pot. I wrote a post about it last week, with a sort of ultimatum, but not one in the typical sense. Maybe you could try that angle, too? (I have yet to act on it, but that’s another can of worms, don’t wanna threadjack here) 

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