Post # 1
My fiance and I got engaged at the end of October, so I’ve been only wedding planning for a little over a month now. Dealing with my parents has been the hardest part so far. As soon as I got engaged, they have been bothering me to come home at least once a week for dinner and such. I have a demanding job, a busy social life, and my parents live 45 minutes from my apartment. Sometimes a weekly visit isn’t feasible, but I make sure to call home at least every other day. I am super excited about my engagement and the wedding planning, and was hoping that the wedding planning process would be a good bonding experience for me and my mom. It just isn’t, though. I’ve tried sharing my ideas for my wedding with my mom and she has hated every single one – save the dates, flower girls, ring bearer, flip flop basket, shuttle between hotel and reception, champaigne toast, everything! The only thing she liked was a picture of the bouquet I liked. Ugh! So I had a talk with her and told her she was hurting my feelings. Things seemed better, until my Saturday visit. My fiance and I were doing food tastings and thought we would stop by. My fiance and I told my parents about our first choice reception venue; we both got that “feeling” that it was the right reception venue for us. It is also very affordable and the food is great! My mom said in a snotty voice, “Well if you pick that venue, we’re going to have a to have a talk. Grandma said one of her friends had bad service.” One bad experience doesn’t mean anything, especially if it is probably coming from some old, cranky person. To make matters worse, we plan on doing family style, so my mom’s argument is somewhat invalid. This is also a venue that has nothing but fantastic reviews online and from my fiance and I’s friends. Then, my dad pipes up and says, “I still think you should have looked at so-and-so venue.” My parents must think that I’m a child and did zero research on anything. The reception hall my dad is talking about is one big room divided into 4 different rooms by a room divider and has one hallway and one set of bathrooms for all the events being hosted. I sooo don’t want my guests intermingling with other weddings and I don’t want to even hear other people’s music. My parents know this already. After that, I had enough and got up and told my fiance that we were leaving. I am so sick of the negativity. My parents need to let me grow up and make my own decisions based on the facts that I’ve gathered. My fiance and I have even talked about eloping to avoid my controlling parents, but I’ve realized that I want a party with my closest friends and family to celebrate my happiness.
My parents offered to pay for some of the wedding, but now I’m rethinking that. I don’t want to deal with all their negativity and disagreeing. I want to be an adult and plan my own wedding. I am thinking of telling them they don’t need to help out. I can cover their portion of the cost with the money I was saving for a house. That way, they can have no say in anything and I won’t feel bad. What do you think?
Post # 3
I think you have a good year before you need to start looking for venues and be food tasting 🙂
ETA- I would put a house before a party and my pride. Just talk to them, they probably want in on the action. I know I would with my kids, and my Future Mother-In-Law LOVES to talk about wedding stuff, I consult her on everything.
Post # 4
It sounds to me like they are feeling left out and want to be included. Perhaps in their mind, by vetoing what you have already chosen, it may make you want to ask them to do some of the planning activities with you i.e. go to a tasting with you, look at venue options together. I think you will regret asking your parents not to help out down the road. This may be your day, but lots of parents also feel like this is thier moment to shine as well, their opportunity to show-off their daughter.
Post # 5
People are divided on the “you pay=you have say” issue.
If I were you, and especially since you know how your parents are, I wouldn’t accept any money from them and do what you want. The closer we got to the wedding, the more negative my Mother-In-Law was so my Darling Husband stopped telling her anything because he was so tired of the negativity. So, only tell on a “need to know basis”.
I’m sorry your mom isn’t as excited as you would like- a lot of bride and grooms experience this. Try not to let it get you down.
Post # 6
My parents’ money came with huge strings–it was wedding in Jamaica or bust. I turned it down.
Post # 7
I think not having your oarent contribute financially is a good choice. There is no free lunch, so if they are paying, they get to have a say in how their money is spent. Once you know you have the freedom to make your decisions, you can politely say “Thank you for your advice” and then go do what you want. It will prevent alot of hurt feelings andfights later on.
Post # 8
I agree with eupenmalmody. I think your parents may just want to be a little more involved in the wedding. This is how it was with my parents–they may feel like they are losing their little girl a little bit. Especially since they want to see you more than they have in the past. So I think instead of getting angry with them, try to be the bigger person and see things from their side. You might be surprised how getting them involved instead of yay/nay votes will change the vibe.
Post # 9
Personally, this is why I’m a huge fan of eloping.
1) Less planning
2) No nit picky relatives doing the “he did/she did and so should you”
I love my family dearly, but I also see/hear a lot of brides and couples who get so lost in the planning and the BS that they forget to do what makes them happy. It’s YOUR day, and what you may like, others may not. You don’t see me running around telling people what they want for their birthdays, or what they’re going to spend their money on, because it’s none of my business – relatives or not.
You don’t have to elope, but at least try and remember what makes you happy. I would have a talk with your parents and tell them that although you appreciate their abilities to be honest with you, you’d appreciate their help in staying sane, and not on design ideas. I would tell them that you and FH will be making all of the planning decisions based on what you two like, and if they would still like to contribute monetarily to the wedding they are welcome, but it is not necessary. And gosh darnit they need to get in their car and come to you TOO!
K, that is all. I’m done ranting. 🙂
Post # 10
I understand your frustration, Pleasing family has been the most frustrating part of planning for me too. If you talk about ideas, they don’t like them and try to get you to do something else if you just decide and tell them you get negative reaction. I’d suggest sitting down with your parents to understand their expectation and their ideas. My dad made sure that before we did anything we sat down so we could be on the same page. I’m so glad he did that because now I have him in my corner. He knows what I want and I know his wants (which weren’t much but still). It sounds like you just have different ideas about a wedding then your parents and getting on the same page could be a big help, especially on the budget.
Also I agree with the others on involvment. I didn’t involve my Future Mother-In-Law in the venue shopping and lost my dream venue because of it. So when I found another venue I was ok with she initially hated the idea but once I involved her and let her see if and meet the people she got on board quickly. I wish I had done that with my dream venue.
Post # 11
Wow, having to hear their hurtful remarks must be troubling! How did your mom react the first time you told her how she was hurting your feelings? Did she acknowledge it at all?
I think before you get into specifics of this and that, it sounds like you just need to wipe the slate clean and sit down with your parents and agree on some sort of ‘code of conduct’ or something. Just like you should agree upon priorities with your Fiance, the same should be done with your parents. What’s the most important aspect about your wedding with them? And what is it for you? Hopefully that will cut down the nitpicking.
Post # 12
My mom has admitted that we have completely different ideas of what a wedding is supposed to be like. That’s fine, I get that. I have tried relatively hard to include her, but she hates everything, so I stopped talking about wedding things with her because all it does is upset me and cause tension. I even scheduled a walk-through of her number one choice of reception venues for me; it was nice, but it didn’t make my FH and I’s top two list for various reasons. I think that upset her somewhat, especially since my cousin is having her reception there next August.
My Future Mother-In-Law is also planning to contribute money to the wedding. She has been nothing but excited about all of my ideas. She has even commented on how proud she is of FH and I and our organizational and planning skills in regards to the wedding. She trusts us to make good decisions and use her money wisely.
I think I am going to have another talk with my mom and dad when I feel less angry. Basically, I will tell them that I appreciate their help and advice, but in the end, the final decisions will be made by my fiance and I. I will also tell them that they don’t need to contribuate financially, but if they wish to do so, it will be of their own will and be an appreciated gift.