UGH fiance keeps waking me up!!

posted 11 months ago in Beehive
Post # 16
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I worked night shift for 3+ years. My Fiance (now DH) was super cognizant of my sleep and tip toed around our one bedroom apartment any time I was asleep and he was home. 

If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t now be my Darling Husband.

Post # 17
4529 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Me and hubs do different shifts often and we share a bed but we are very respectful of the others need to sleep. We would never intentionally wake the other up to do ‘things’. Your partner is a selfish prick if he thinks that waking you up is OK.

Do you have a long enough dinner break at work? If you do live close enough to work, I’d personally start driving home and waking your partner up to ask him to spend time with you or to make you a coffee. I’d see how he enjoys the shoe being on the other foot!

Honestly OP is he usually this selfish in other areas of his life and your combined life because this is seriously not OK. Selfishness is not a trait you want in a partner. This whole thing is very off putting to me as an outsider. If it was an accidental wake up I’d be ehh OK but this is deliberate and often which is a different thing entirely.

You shouldn’t have to lock doors or write signs advising of hours like PPs suggested. You are in a relationship with an adult who loves you. You shouldn’t have to spell out don’t wake me up or lock doors!! They should know that is rude and uncaring behaviour…. 

Post # 18
101 posts
Blushing bee

Sit down and explain to him that you need 9 hours of sleep. Explain that he sleeps from 7:30pm-5:30am, which is 10 hours! He gets his 10 hours and you should be able to get your 9 hours. For this to happen, you need to sleep from 6:30am-3:30pm. You need to break it down for him.

I used to work evening shift (4pm-midnight) and people did not understand why I would be awake during the night when I got home from work and wake up later than them.

Sleep schedule stays the same, it is just the time of day changes.

Post # 19
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

brideandblue :  holy shit. Just no. My husband works 24 hour shifts for the army every 10 days or so. His regular schedule is 12 to 16 hour shifts. On his 24 hour shifts, he gets home about 6am. Our bedroom is off limits to me unless I absolutely need something, otherwise it can wait, and I damn sure don’t let my kids go upstairs until he comes down. Sometimes he wakes up at noon and I’m like, wtf are you doing, go back to bed.

Sleep hygiene is paramount to health. Period. Dark room with a fan on, don’t fucking wake me up until I get up. Tell him if he does it again you’re done. There is no reason for him to do this. Cleaning? Hell no. Maybe he just misses you or something, but you need to tell him that what he is doing is bad for your health.

Post # 20
754 posts
Busy bee

mlacake29 :  Sorry but how is gloating about your relationship helpful to the OP?

Tell him to f**k off. Seriously. Stand up for your rights!

You already tried reasoning with him and giving him all kinds of explanations (which by the way you did not have to because you are BOTH adults!). So take the path of the extreme… aka, BLOW.

Sleeping is out of your control. Your body requires it. Period. You do not have control over it. You can force yourself to stay awake for only so long. He is trying to fight against mother nature. He isn’t going to win this battle.


Post # 21
2811 posts
Sugar bee

This would make me CRAZY! I’m a terrible sleeper and my husband kept waking me up when we were first dating and I nearly killed him. I explained it to him politely at first, but when he didn’t get it we fought about it a couple of times. I think that good sleepers just don’t really understand that it’s a big deal. 

It sounds like you’re not making it clear to him how serious it is for you. You’re allowed to be pissed at your husband for being a disrespectful asshole. 

Post # 22
934 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Sleep deprivation is a technique used by torturers. He knocks this off or you leave him.

Post # 23
1276 posts
Bumble bee

So he sleeps 10h a night and 4h is enough for you according to him. Fuck no. It’s one thing if you got woken up by him picking up something from the room but actually waking you up to help run errands? What is his motive? Is he annoyed that he “always” has to concerts in things around the house due to your work? He is just annoyed that you get to sleep or does he just want to spend more time together? Solving this might be the key to finding a solution.

But he is being a ass. If something bothers him then he should be an adult and communicate. Alternatively he is just super ignorant or a total jerk.

Post # 24
3 posts
  • Wedding: February 2019

Tell him straight up that you need your 9 hours of sleep, and its actual sleep, not daytime napping. Tell him that it is not his place to say 5 hours of sleep is enough for you.


With disjointed sleep schedules, you may be better off sleeping in seperate rooms anyway.

Post # 25
45 posts

I used to have this problem with my ex-husband.  He thought I was lazy because I would sleep from 9:00am -3:30pm after working 7pm-7am.  I tried to reason by asking him if he would get up at 3:00am to go into work at 7:00am, to which he scoffed and said no way.  However, he still didn’t get it.  After a few nights of me waking him up at 1:30-2:00am and suggesting a Walmart run (only thing open 24 hours), our problem was solved.

Good luck!

Post # 26
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’d have lost my shit with him by now so you’re more patient than me. I’m with other bees that say tell him to knock it off or you move out. If you’ve tried reasoning and talking and it hasn’t stopped you need more drastic action. He doesn’t respect you or your health or your job. 

Post # 27
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017


LekiliRN :  lmao! That’s amazing. ‘wake up lazy-ass, we’re going to Walmart!” Hahaha.

Post # 28
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

LekiliRN :  This was going to be my suggestion.  Some people just don’t get that night shifters are flipping our entire lives around, not just staying up for fun and waking up whenever.  If your fiancé can’t respect your requests, much less your basic physiological needs, you might need to rethink your relationship.

ETA: My husband doesn’t work nights, but he’s a very light sleeper and has a really hard time going back if he wakes up too early.  I’m very careful not to wake him unless I absolutely have to.  Why would I not care about his health and comfort?

Post # 29
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Nope, nope, nope! This would not fly at all. I have insomnia problems when I know I have to wake up early or otherwise disrupt my normal sleep cycle, so this kind of behavior would send me into stress city!

Bee, it’s time for the ultimatum: Either your fiance stops waking you up, or you move out/dump him/etc. If he’s that inconsiderate of your sleep, then that should be a huge red flag for other areas of your relationship. I would never sign up for a lifetime with a partner who can’t even respect my basic biological need for sleep.

Post # 30
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Could it be that maybe he is feeling neglected? Not justifiying him but, given that you seem to have very little time awake together, he might be missing doing things with you or spending time with you. I agree that he must be more respectful over your sleep, but maybe the approach could include recognizing his feelins of loneliness? I remember when hubby used to work night shifts and I would feel very lonely during the day while he slept -I wanted to wake him up so much! Maybe you can both work on a schedule for together-time and a schedule for sleep-time that looks well balanced and satisfies both of your needs. Good luck, bee!

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