(Closed) UGH FMIL hosting shower at their church (w/church people) that I refuse to go to

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

How awkward indeed! 

I suppose church showers fall under the eitquette of work showers – they don’t all have to be guests at the wedding?  At least that is true for work showers.

How odd seriously!  Why would these ladies want to buy you gifts/attend a shower if you don’t even know them?  I don’t get it either.

I would decline the offer too.  Keep us updated!  You are not obligated!

Post # 5
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

um…. it’s clear that the motive is to get you to convert and go to their church. I find this extremely rude of his mom… this is about you and not an opportunity to push their religion. 

I would tell her that your mom is already throwing one and that she is welcome to attend. 

Post # 7
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t see how this is rude. It’s very common for churches to throw showers for family members of people who attend their church. For example, my mom’s church is throwing me a bridal shower and I don’t even attend there on a regular basis. My mom is really involved with the church though so they’re doing it as more of a favour towards her. Hey, if people want to throw me a shower and buy me gifts I don’t care!

Post # 8
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think there’s a problem with a church shower where the people aren’t invited to the wedding – but in this scenario, because you are so uncomfortable with the church and are being judged by some of these women for it – I would politely decline.  It does seem like she’s just continuing to try to force the church on you, knowing you don’t want to join.  Declining will probably offend her and may make things uncomfortable between you – but from the sound of it, maybe you’re already at that point?

Post # 9
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@As_You_Wish:  I agree.  The mantra of me and my SO is that marriage is bigger than two people–it’s community & family as well.  We will be including on our guest list a few peple that we don’t know super-well but are dear friends of our respective parents.  And what’s funny is that the love they have for our parents extended to us (because they’ve seen us grown up since we were little kids) even though we don’t know them well.

A church shower that includes people who won’t be at the wedding is the norm in my circles (good analogy with the work shower). 

PP, it’s all about what you want and whether you think your choice is worth it.  For example..  If you DO go it’ll probably be a little uncomfortable for you, but you could come out smelling like a rose if you are poised and polite and gracious inspite of whatever provocations she or her church friends give you.  Refusing to attend would avoid that discomfort, but might increase tensions with the Future Mother-In-Law.

It’s a “weigh your options,” kind of thing, I think.  I’d lean toward going in there and being “the perfect lady” so that I walk away with a pile of gifts and something I can point to with the Future Mother-In-Law to show her that I don’t hate her (even if I do on the inside, haha) and am not a horrible DIL.  😀

Post # 11
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mandigrl04:  As a Christian yourself, I assume you know about “heaping coals” on an enemy’s head and the idea that how you conduct yourself is a light to the rest of the world.  With that in mind, this really IS a good opportunity to “rise above it” and attend with an attitude of gracious tolerance, looking for the good in their hearts even though you find so much to dislike.  Your attitude of acceptance and love might be a stark contrast to those who judge and condemn…

Post # 12
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@mandigrl04:  OoOoh…now that you explained the church a little more, I understand. I know that type Undecided.

What if you were to tell your Future Mother-In-Law that the people from the church that you actually WANT at the shower are already invited to the main shower and you don’t feel comfortable asking them to come to both?

Post # 14
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mandigrl04:  I understand what you mean about cultish.  I’d still say try to be the beacon of love and grace in this situation, but I tend to be the type that gets a bit idealistic about these things…

Post # 15
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@mandigrl04:  FWIW, I don’t have any good advice for you, but I totally would be in your same mindset and be incredibly uncomfortable at going. I don’t think I’d be able to “rise above” these people speaking out against my marriage and then go pretend to be happy and socialize with them. I wouldn’t go, I don’t think it’s worth the free gifts from people that are looking down on you for your choices.

Post # 16
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Personally, I would never set foot in that place again if those were their beliefs.  What a load of BS!!!!!  If they want to live in the dark ages, so be it, but you don’t have to show any support or acknowledgement of it by going there or spending time with them.  

Edit:  free stuff wouldn’t even be a good enough incentive for me!  I’m very stubborn 🙂

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