(Closed) Ugh! FSIL wants to get married the month before me…at the same venue!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Since you’re not crazy about the venue anyway, and you can afford to have it elsewhere, I might do that. But then– you said your venue is booked. 🙁  Maybe look for another venue entirely?

Otherwise, it seems like you have a good enough relatioship with your Future Sister-In-Law to tell her that actually you are little bummed and can you please make sure the weddings are as different as possible.

Yucky situation. 🙁 

Post # 18
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

I get why you are bummed but I really do think each event will be its own “thing.”  You also need to remember that most people don’t remember the details a week after the wedding.

I have 4 girls.  3 have walked down the aisle, the 4th one does in June.  3 of them will have used the same reception venue and all 3 receptions will look very different.

Post # 19
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ButterflyButterfly:  I see where you are coming from. I’ve been there (in a sense). Look at it this way, you can use her wedding as a learning experience. What ever problems that may arise with the venue, you would have a chance to fix it when it is your turn. Plus, what ever decoration she uses you could buy from her at a discounted price.

It really isn’t a huge problem, I think it is a benefit. Afterall, for your wedding it would be the first time half of the guests are there!

Post # 21
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

i think your Future Sister-In-Law is entitled to use the same venue… but i can’t comprehend why she needs to do it BEFORE you. i would have your fiance talk to his parents and sister and see if they can agree to have teh wedding after… that seems only fair. it still might bother me because i wouldn’t want people comparing the weddings, which is obviously going to happen. i think i would opt for a different venue. if it were my parents i would probably ask if they would be willing to help pay for a different venue…. but some people might not be comfortable doing that.

Post # 22
Member
9639 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

since it is a family restaurant, your Future Sister-In-Law and Fiance should be able to use the place.

don’t share your wedding details with her and make your wedding your own.

yes, it will be compared, but take theirs as your practice run, and then a month later, make yours better.

i know something can’t be changed at last minute but some things can….you will have a month.

Post # 24
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@ButterflyButterfly:  I think if anyone is going to talk to her it should be her brother/your fiance. If its tradition, I think in this instance its “fair” that whoever gets engaged first should have dibs on dates and be able to get married first. 

FWIW, I think you’re a great friend and FSIL/FDIL because you obviously care a great deal about everyone around you and how they feel!

I know no matter what your wedding is going to be beautiful.

Post # 25
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@ButterflyButterfly:  I’d move venues and be done with it. I would be super bummed as well. 

Post # 26
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

View original reply
@ButterflyButterfly:  hmmm. i wonder how she would have reacted if you had been honest and told her you did mind… if you do decide not to ruffle feather and have it there to avoid conflict,  i would say get your invitations out before her so everyone knows yours was planned first (spiteful?maybe) and then as PP suggested, make yours WAY BETTER than hers.

Post # 27
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can’t believe some of the responses on this thread.  

Who the heck cares that the SIL will be getting married first?  Who cares that it’s the same venue?  Her in-laws were kind enough to offer their traditional venue and any food they wanted for free!  Of course they were going to make the same offer to their own daughter, and she had every right to take them up on it!  If the OP did not want other family members to use her venue, then choosing a family-owned restaraunt was not the right call.  

Make your wedding a reflection of you and your fiance as a couple.  Be a good SIL and help his sister do the same.  Bond with his family and enjoy this time.  Basically, don’t get worked up about the superficial stuff.  

Post # 28
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ButterflyButterfly:  I wouldn’t change my venue, but I’d talk to Fiance about together asking her to wait and have her wedding after yours.

Post # 29
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@ButterflyButterfly:  I don’t get why her parents aren’t telling her to tone it down and wait. Mine would. 

Post # 30
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

@ButterflyButterfly:  I would absolutely be disappointed! It sounds like she knew (if she had it all planned) that throwing the same venue surpris would be upstaging and she had no problem with it. It’s really great that you’re trying to maintain peace and being sad is obviously going to happen.

I agree that entitlement to the venue is a given. It would not be a problem if the dates were months apart, but one month is definitely too close. I say just keep the peace and don’t move. Plan it exactly how you want to have it and make sure that everyone (guests, family, Fiance, all of ’em) are happy, because people will remember that! They’ll be able to tell who “copied” whom and the one who really went the extra mile.

Post # 31
Member
9538 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, it’s okay to be a little bummer. But I think it’s very smart to realize that you can’t and shouldn’t make her change her plans. 

My sister got engaged after me and got married 6 weeks before. We didn’t have the same location, but we did have the same caterer! If the venue weren’t a family restaurant, I’d think the same venue was a little weird. But in this situation it makes sense. 

So to change your venue or not? Again, if this were just some random venue, I’d say sure. But the benefits of doing it at the family restaurant (money wise, planning wise, sentimentality wise) are so huge, that I’d probably stick with the restaurant. There are lots of ways that the weddings can be different than each other. Maybe a kick-ass live band? And really, at the end of the day, the people and the marriage are what’s really important – not how things look. And people will be there to celebrate with you. 

When planning at the same time as my sister we both made a concious effort to not make our weddings competitive. It can be done! Sit down with your fiance and make a list of priorities. Then look at those priorities and see if it makes more sense to stay at the restaurant or try to find a new venue.

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