Post # 17
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Since you’re not crazy about the venue anyway, and you can afford to have it elsewhere, I might do that. But then– you said your venue is booked. 🙁 Maybe look for another venue entirely?
Otherwise, it seems like you have a good enough relatioship with your Future Sister-In-Law to tell her that actually you are little bummed and can you please make sure the weddings are as different as possible.
Yucky situation. 🙁
Post # 18
I get why you are bummed but I really do think each event will be its own “thing.” You also need to remember that most people don’t remember the details a week after the wedding.
I have 4 girls. 3 have walked down the aisle, the 4th one does in June. 3 of them will have used the same reception venue and all 3 receptions will look very different.
Post # 19
@ButterflyButterfly: I see where you are coming from. I’ve been there (in a sense). Look at it this way, you can use her wedding as a learning experience. What ever problems that may arise with the venue, you would have a chance to fix it when it is your turn. Plus, what ever decoration she uses you could buy from her at a discounted price.
It really isn’t a huge problem, I think it is a benefit. Afterall, for your wedding it would be the first time half of the guests are there!
Post # 20
It looks like if we change venues it’s going to cause more problems than I thought.
Fiance talked to his mom (his dad isn’t around; his mom and uncle own the restaurant) and from what he says, she’s a little upset that we are even considering changing venues.
She was OK with the possibility of us not having the reception there to begin with (but she really, really wanted us to have it there), now she feels like we would be moving it just because Future Sister-In-Law is having it there; yes, that’s why we would move it!
She claims there will be no competition between us and she’s not planning on having anything different for the daughter just because she’s a girl. She promised us we could basically have any menu we want (even if it’s off the menu) and she’s keeping that. If we want special decorations she’s willing to have that too.
Part of me says to just keep the restaurant to keep the peace. I know if we change it now it will cause hurt feelings on FMIL’s part. FI still wants to change it though.
Future Sister-In-Law is already so far ahead of planning than we are anyway. She’s already picked her colors (which fortunately are different than what I had in mind) and she asked me to go dress shopping with her this weekend (I haven’t even dress shopped for myself yet!)
I know the wedding is only one day but why is this ONE DAY causing problems?
Edit – I did tell Future Sister-In-Law I was a bit bummed (I didn’t use the word upset) because I want to make sure both our days are special and she brushed it off as me worrying for nothing.
Post # 21
i think your Future Sister-In-Law is entitled to use the same venue… but i can’t comprehend why she needs to do it BEFORE you. i would have your fiance talk to his parents and sister and see if they can agree to have teh wedding after… that seems only fair. it still might bother me because i wouldn’t want people comparing the weddings, which is obviously going to happen. i think i would opt for a different venue. if it were my parents i would probably ask if they would be willing to help pay for a different venue…. but some people might not be comfortable doing that.
Post # 22
since it is a family restaurant, your Future Sister-In-Law and Fiance should be able to use the place.
don’t share your wedding details with her and make your wedding your own.
yes, it will be compared, but take theirs as your practice run, and then a month later, make yours better.
i know something can’t be changed at last minute but some things can….you will have a month.
Post # 23
She’s having the wedding Labor Day weekend because a lot of her FI’s family would have to travel for it, and since it’s a 3 day weekend, many have said they plan on staying to see the city. Apparently they had this all planned out before she even asked us if we minded.
Post # 24
I think if anyone is going to talk to her it should be her brother/your fiance. If its tradition, I think in this instance its “fair” that whoever gets engaged first should have dibs on dates and be able to get married first.
FWIW, I think you’re a great friend and FSIL/FDIL because you obviously care a great deal about everyone around you and how they feel!
I know no matter what your wedding is going to be beautiful.
Post # 25
I’d move venues and be done with it. I would be super bummed as well.
Post # 26
hmmm. i wonder how she would have reacted if you had been honest and told her you did mind… if you do decide not to ruffle feather and have it there to avoid conflict, i would say get your invitations out before her so everyone knows yours was planned first (spiteful?maybe) and then as PP suggested, make yours WAY BETTER than hers.
Post # 27
I can’t believe some of the responses on this thread.
Who the heck cares that the SIL will be getting married first? Who cares that it’s the same venue? Her in-laws were kind enough to offer their traditional venue and any food they wanted for free! Of course they were going to make the same offer to their own daughter, and she had every right to take them up on it! If the OP did not want other family members to use her venue, then choosing a family-owned restaraunt was not the right call.
Make your wedding a reflection of you and your fiance as a couple. Be a good SIL and help his sister do the same. Bond with his family and enjoy this time. Basically, don’t get worked up about the superficial stuff.
Post # 28
@ButterflyButterfly: I wouldn’t change my venue, but I’d talk to Fiance about together asking her to wait and have her wedding after yours.
Post # 29
@ButterflyButterfly: I don’t get why her parents aren’t telling her to tone it down and wait. Mine would.
Post # 30
@ButterflyButterfly: I would absolutely be disappointed! It sounds like she knew (if she had it all planned) that throwing the same venue surpris would be upstaging and she had no problem with it. It’s really great that you’re trying to maintain peace and being sad is obviously going to happen.
I agree that entitlement to the venue is a given. It would not be a problem if the dates were months apart, but one month is definitely too close. I say just keep the peace and don’t move. Plan it exactly how you want to have it and make sure that everyone (guests, family, Fiance, all of ’em) are happy, because people will remember that! They’ll be able to tell who “copied” whom and the one who really went the extra mile.
Post # 31
First, it’s okay to be a little bummer. But I think it’s very smart to realize that you can’t and shouldn’t make her change her plans.
My sister got engaged after me and got married 6 weeks before. We didn’t have the same location, but we did have the same caterer! If the venue weren’t a family restaurant, I’d think the same venue was a little weird. But in this situation it makes sense.
So to change your venue or not? Again, if this were just some random venue, I’d say sure. But the benefits of doing it at the family restaurant (money wise, planning wise, sentimentality wise) are so huge, that I’d probably stick with the restaurant. There are lots of ways that the weddings can be different than each other. Maybe a kick-ass live band? And really, at the end of the day, the people and the marriage are what’s really important – not how things look. And people will be there to celebrate with you.
When planning at the same time as my sister we both made a concious effort to not make our weddings competitive. It can be done! Sit down with your fiance and make a list of priorities. Then look at those priorities and see if it makes more sense to stay at the restaurant or try to find a new venue.