(Closed) UGH, just read this about Husbands Who are Gay and Stay Married

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I have a few thoughts on this:

First of all, is that even real? The things on that “My Advice Now” site seem so made up sometimes.

That said, if it’s real, it’s really sad. I hear about these types of stories all the time. Men are so afraid to come out to their families because of the stigma attached to homosexuality.

I can’t help but feel for the guy even though I think that what he’s doing is 100% wrong, and actually very reprehensible. He can’t help it if he’s gay but he CAN stop lying to his family and cheating on his wife. I understand the fear of coming out, but he is just being a coward.

(Sidenote: This may sound crazy, but I’d rather be dumped due to my husband being gay than my husband wanting to be with another woman. At least I would know that it was biological and had nothing to do with me beyond my gender).

Post # 4
1046 posts
Bumble bee

I was really good friends with a guy in College (we were actually roomates for a while) who was gay and said that someday he wanted to get married and have children. He dated random girls but he was never happy with them, I guess he wanted to pretend he was bi to make himself feel better? To this day his parents still don’t know that he is gay, and he really can’t accept it himself. I tried to tell him that it was wrong to marry a woman and have babies without being honest about his homosexual tendencies but he seemed to think he would grow out of it. Pretty much the worst case of denial I have ever seen… that article is him in 15 years.

Wong wrong WRONG. It will just make everyone miserable… I mean geeze, can you imagine how confused the kids and wife would be?

Post # 5
841 posts
Busy bee

Just creepy… And also very sad that any children born into these relationships have to deal with all of this confusion. *sigh*

Post # 6
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think this is more common than people think. It is quite sad though. Why would one rather go through life unhappy & hating what they are rather than come clean & be themself. I also agree it’s really crappy to put your wife & children through something like that.

Post # 7
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would question whether that particular letter is real.  “[M]y friends and I go to a gay porn resort”???  You don’t need to go to a resort to find porn.  Conversely, if you’re going to a special resort for your needs, it’s likely to involve actual sex as opposed to just porn.

That being said, there are unfortunately way too many gay guys who are so much in denial about their orientation that they get married to women. And once they are married and have children, they are going to cause misery to themselves and their families, either by breaking up the family or by trying to stay in a relationship that is totally not working for them.

It’s one of the things that mystifies me about all the opposition to gay marriage.  Wouldn’t you rather that gay guys were marrying each other, rather than marrying straight women?

Post # 8
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Um, what’s up with the advice she gives!?

NOTHING about the emotional situation he himself is going through, what his family will feel, etc. Nothing about how it’s wrong to lie to people, wrong to cheat on your spouse – just “if you are intimate with [your wife], you are subjecting her to diseases from your sexual encounters”.

I think it’s safe to say this Jasmine lady is not the person I would be going to for advice.

Post # 9
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@danadelphia: I know what you mean about feeling like you’d rather be dumped because your husband was gay than for another woman, but a good friend went through this exact situation, and there is a *ton* of hurt involved–it’s hard not to feel like your entire life is built on a lie, you wonder if all the moments you thought were incredibly romantic *weren’t* that way for your husband, and it’s hard not to question your own attractiveness/desirability, as irrational as that may seem. Which I imagine are a lot of the same emotions that go on if your husband leaves you for another woman.

It’s a very complicated situaiton and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone (I know you wouldn’t either, just thought I’d throw out some personal experience).

Post # 10
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

let’s not say it’s men who who marry straight and are really gay — it happens to women, too! my dad’s first wife turned out to be a lesbian and they had been married for 15 years and he never knew! she was completely uncomfortable with coming out as a gay female, and instead became very depressed and emotionally retreated from the relationship. of course, my dad was blindsided by the whole thing and it was a huge heartbreak for the whole family. when they finally did divorce, it was awful.

i’m not going to get on the soapbox about gay marriage because that’s not the point i’m trying to make. what i will say is there straight & gay persons fall vicitim to the pressure our society puts on getting married & having the perfect life, and unforunately, i think there are a lot of people who get married without really knowing themselves & who they want – and when all is said & done, it can end up being a really sad situation 🙁

Post # 11
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It isn’t really easy to find out your SO is gay, I’m not sure I would choose that over anything else..  I found out that my ex-boyfriend of over 6 years was cheating on me with men and that was a surprise to say the least.  It was heartbreaking, but I was able to come to terms with it and move on.  The sad part is, he won’t admit it to himself or anyone else.  Even when I confronted him about it, he admitted that he did it, but wouldn’t say he was gay.  Maybe he is bi, but still, that doesn’t give him the right to live in a heterosexual, committed relationship and then do what he wants on the side to satisfy the needs he has.  He actually is married now to a girl I was friends with, but I had never told her what had really happened between us.  It makes me wonder if she has a clue or if she is just oblivious because he is so good at living a lie.  I know I was completely clueless for a loooong time.  I just hope she doesn’t end up the way I did.  I’m glad I found out and got out while I was still young, but I feel bad for his wife.  If he did it the entire 6 years we were together (and prior to that, I found out later), what would stop him from doing it to her? 

Post # 12
108 posts
Blushing bee

@danadelphia, I feel the exact same way!

My sister is actually good friends with a man who is married to a woman, they have 3 young children (under 5) and he is clearly gay, and apparently has even come clean to my sister about it, after she questioned him frankly after he made a sexual comment about a man she works with. He comes from a staunchly religious family, and I believe he will never, ever fully admit it to himself – much less his wife – because he is afraid of the backlash from the church and his family. I personally believe the marriage and children were a “cover up” – e.g. “people can’t think I am gay any more because I am a husband and father”… I actually think his wife suspects it but believes the cover too.

It’s so, so sad. I believe he would be much happier being true to himself, and in the long run, his wife and children would be much happier in a not so confused environment.

Post # 13
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@danadelphia: This is actually really a big deal for me… My dad is actually homosexual and still married to my mother… Its a difficult situation so please dont put down people who are in this situation thanks..

Post # 15
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@msduck: Wow. What about all the people who have been killed for being gay? And the fact that our society still considers it a stigma? To say that these people are being selfish is just the weirdest thing I’ve heard today. 

It can take years for a gay person to even admit to themselves that they’re not straight, and sometimes they stay in a marriage to preserve the happiness of the other people in the family. I doubt it’s that cut and dry to say they’re doing it for selfish reasons.

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