(Closed) Ugh Men!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@RoseTylerWannabee:  I would be excited too, but personally I would need to have a serious sit-down conversation about a timeline. I know for most girls I know, moving in together is a step towards engagement/marriage, but not necessarily for the guy. If anything, it just makes you more convienient! Why get married now? While I’m not saying your guy is like that, stories of other bees made me paranoid, so while I’m not going to be engaged by the time I’m moving in, I have a timeline and he knows what’ll happen if it’s not stuck to. You should not be afriad to bring this up. It is your life, too, and based on what you wrote (wanting kids) time is of the essence! If he’s talking about leaving things at your place, I would tell him to put the cork on that until you’ve both talked about future plans. You don’t want to end up with some guy in your apartment, all his stuff, and no intention of getting married (assuming that’s what you want). Good luck to you!

ETA: I missed the part about being a widow. That is something I cannot empathize with, but I feel for you. I cannot imagine a loss like that, and I am so happy to hear you have found happiness again. Even if you had not had to endure that in life, I would feel nervous about many of the same things you discussed, so realize that’s not all based on that– it’s just human, too ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@RoseTylerWannabee:  Totally! Sorry, I had to assume some things (always dangerous!). That’s great, though, that you’ve talked about engagement etc in the past. I would definitely pick a time when he’s the most calm, say, not right after he gets home. Or I like with my SO to say, hey, I wanna run something by you, but I know you’re really busy, when would be a good time for you? Non threatening, but sort of a hey I need to talk to you and have your full attention!  I think all your concerns abotu you AND your kids are totally valid… and based on what you’re saying, he sees that too (that engagement should come before moving in). Definitely talk to him, and see what he says! He might already have something in the works ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@RoseTylerWannabee:  Precisely what you said in the latter half of that last post. The first thing that jumps out at me is that it is NOT fair or even nice to have to “make a decision about you” at some point in the future. Why would he drag this out? It would be bad enough if it were just you, but he’s stringing your kids along too. 

He’s a guy, and while we all love ’em, most of them aren’t the best at expressing their real thoughts and meaning. I would give him the benefit of the doubt that his words weren’t meant to be so harsh, but I definitely think a real conversation of, “Wait, no, you can’t have me sitting on this ‘he loves me, he loves me not’ thing for even a minute.”

If it’s really move in and get engaged or don’t move in and break up, that’s pretty crazy. Why can’t he stay not moved in yet and then propose when he feels more comfortable?

My own guy and I have been dating about 3 years and we aren’t engaged yet AND I have a kid too, but we both know that we WANT to and PLAN to get engaged.

I guess I just don’t get your guy’s rationale that he has to either propose or break up with you.

Post # 8
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

@RoseTylerWannabee:  

I think you should also have a talk with him about what YOU want, I think it’s very realistic, especially since there are children involved to have a frank discussion with him. My SO always talked about future stuff from early on (and still does) but I don’t think he meant it as seriously as I took it earlier on in our relationship, it was probably more of an “in the moment” thing, it’s great he’s romantic but sometimes I wanted to tell him to shut up because I was taking things he said literally. It was only after a year or so together that I really brought up marriage to him seriously and we really had a heart to heart about it. Come to find out, he did want to marry me but still wasn’t “quite there yet” despite all of the stuff he used to say. I ended up giving an ultimatum of sorts and I think it woke him up because he has been a lot more open and willing to discuss it in real terms instead of vague future references. He even asked for input on what I wanted in a ring recently and has assured me we’ll be engaged by the time our two year anniversary rolls around (8 months away). 

I’m 35 and waiting indefinitely just isn’t an option I’m willing to entertain, I think the stakes are even higher when you have children involved and you deserve to know what he’s thinking. It’s scary when you’ve sort of based your future on the decision of someone else at least for a period of time but at this stage of dating and in life I think a reasonable timeline is only fair.

 

Post # 10
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m glad you guys were able to resolve this ๐Ÿ™‚ Phew!

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