(Closed) Ugh. Porn…

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I have a hard time relating whenever I read a post like this, because I’ve never been bothered by porn. A porn addiction is one thing, but a little bit once in a while just isn’t a big deal to me. I don’t think that fantasizing about other people is cheating, or even anything to feel guilty about.

I also don’t think it’s an either/or situation, like “I’m in a relationship so I can get my rocks off with my SO and not have to masturbate to porn.” I don’t think that porn is a replacement for sex with you – it’s probably completely separate.

So while I can’t relate, I can say that if it bothers you this much, you should talk to him about it. But I wouldn’t come right out and say that you don’t want him doing it – you don’t want to boss him around. Just tell him how you feel and how it upsets you, and he can see that he should stop to make you happy.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would start by telling him that it makes you feel hurt, and how/why it makes you feel inadequate.

If your sex life is good, and this isn’t detracting from it, be prepared for the possibility that he considers mastrubation to be different/separate from intercourse – I had one ex who thought that way. For him, it was like intercourse was getting to eat a bowl of ice cream. He loved ice cream, would never turn it down. But mastrubating was like getting to eat a cookie. He liked cookies, and sometimes he was just in the mood for a cookie. His eating a cookie didn’t make him want to eat ice cream any less. That’s how he explained it to me.

For the record, I wasn’t okay with it either, but it did help to hear his perpsective, and to tell him how I felt about all of it.

I think you need to communicate with him about this, especially since his behavior is hurting you, and you’re not letting him know that – you’re essentially not giving him a chance to make it right. Try not to get emotional, stick with “I feel” statements, and be honest with him.

Post # 5
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Firstly, I’m sorry that you feel this way, and I can completely understand it. I am also an A cup and my boyfriend likes to look at porn with much more endowed women. 

Now for my advice:

I can offer two suggestions for why your SO may have started looking at porn again:-

He may be feeling a bit stressed at the moment, and sometimes people just need time alone, time to please just themselves, time to be selfish. You have to admit that someone else will never do EXACTLY what you want at EXACTLY the right time, sometimes you just want to do it yourself. 

It’s not that he doesn’t want you, or need you or like sex with you, but that he wants to be just by himself for awhile. 

The second is that perhaps he hasn’t been happy with his own performance lately and is trying to improve? 

I would take a couple of days to think about how you feel about this. Is it really that big of a deal? I prefer to go by this mantra: “It doesn’t matter where they get that appetite, are long as they come home to eat”. He may be looking at pictures of ladies with bigger breasts, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love your body or you. If you still continue to have regular sex, then is there anything wrong with it? Just because strawberry ice cream is your favorite doesn’t mean you sometimes don’t want to try chocolate. 

 Take a few days and mull it over, in the end I think that talking about it calmly would be best but only if you really need to. 

Hope you feel better soon and remember that your SO chose you, loves you and your body, that’s why he’s your SO. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I’m wholeheartedly with @danadelphia. And I also I understand how this is a sensitive issue for some. I don’t honestly think men who look at porn are dissatisfied with their partners. However I don’t necessarily think the “performers” in pornography are objects of fantasy – I think you can be turned on by an action and not necessarily by the person.

I think masturbation is absolutely and completely normal for both men and women.

Post # 7
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think any man who says he doesn’t masterbate is probably lying.  Most women too. Its a healthy normal activity. Now if he’s doing it 5 times a day then maybe he has a little bit of a problem…lol. I wouldn’t worry about the porn either. If he’s locked in his room for hours looking, then maybe i would worry, but i think its fairly normal even if they don’t admit to it. Believe me, i have access to what websites people at my office go on everyday…..and believe me just about every man in this office visits porn sites whether they are married or single.

Post # 8
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I second absolutely everything that @danadelphia said.

I feel like our society is so puritanical that it has turned masturbation into something dirty and wrong, when it fact it’s totally natural and isn’t, in this case, being used as a replacement for sex. It would be a completely different situation if he had stopped having sex with you altogether, but that isn’t the case.

I honestly think all guys do it and it’s nothing to be alarmed about, nor is it a comment on you or your relationship.

Post # 9
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with danadelphia as well. Masturbation is very different from intercourse, and it’s completely normal for a person to do both.  He has an emotional connection with you; he does not have one with the women in the photos.  You should let him know that it bothers you, but I don’t think it’s right for you to tell him not to do it.

Post # 10
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

First, just remember that men think about sex every 12 seconds or so. I read this somewhere and SO confirmed just last night that it’s pretty much accurate. They also get spontaneous erections all the time. WHen they’re teenagers, multiple times a day. As a 26-year old man, SO says maybe twice a day now. Still…if that happens and you’re at home what are you going to do about it? I know what I would do. All men do it and I’m pretty sure they do it daily until they’re at least 40.

As for the porn, I’ve been hurt by my SO looking at porn before as well and in truth, it all came down to my own insecurities. For the record, I’m a Dirty Delete and he was also checking out boobies.com so I think that might just be ‘what they do.’ Anyway, I felt like he was looking to watch women who were thinner than me and I hated that. He also wanted to watch porn alone, he would never watch it with me. And we weren’t having sex very often either and every time I tried to have sex, he didn’t want to. There were a lot of factors going on…once he even masturbated while I was watching TV on the sofa….that was a huge fight. So we instilled some rules. I understand that he’s going to masturbate, probably daily. He needs to understand that when it comes to porn, I want to be involved. If masturbating affects how often we have sex, he needs to curtail it because that is ridiculous and it hurts my feelings. I’m at a point now where I don’t care if he does watch or not, but if I have to go for two weeks with no sex I’m going to take away his favorite lotion.

Talk it out and let him know how you feel. Do you have sex often? If he looks at porn more than he looks at you, that’s an issue. But if you have meaningful, fulfilling sex pretty often, I don’t think it’s as much of an issue. Perhaps he’s doing research! Also, ask if you can watch. It usually leads to some pretty steamy sex.

Post # 11
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@danadelphia: Totally ditto that… and ‘gasp’ I’ve watched porn too. I don’t even think or imagine those guys when I watch porn. Hey, I’ve watched it with a guy I was dating too. Ehn, didn’t I promise myself yesterday that I wasn’t going into threads like this? *knocks self on the head*

Post # 12
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

omg these days i pray that my husband goes into the bathroom to take care of himself and leaves me alone. I’m so tired at night. LOL.

Post # 13
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I can understand why you might be upset, but I just wanted to say a few things that might change your perspective on the situation. I don’t think all people watch porn so they fantasize they are the ones in the video with the people pictured. The same thing goes for the “type” of porn being watched. Just because your guy is watching big boob porn does not mean that he is solely interested in big boob people. I occasionally watch porn and it’s not so I can imagine myself in the situation or with the person, but just to get aroused in general. 

I would also second what Tickles said in that it might not even be related to his at the moment sexual desires. It’s possible he’s stressed out and wants a distraction and to mellow out, or he wants better performance during sex. I would also say that I don’t feel all guys masturbate, especially if they are in sexually active relationships. But everyone has different amounts of that type of thing that they feel is normal. Some guys masturbate every day, and some guys are happy with sex once a week. It all depends, but it’s doubtful your guy will change because you or he wants to. 

Obviously you should talk to him about it, but try to be calm and see what he has to say about it. As long as he is still interested in sex with you, your needs are met, and he is keeping his habit viewing at home only, I’d be inclined to think it’s okay. 

Post # 14
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’ll second PinkBubbleGum. 

I only realized recently that just because when I look at porn it’s easier for me to put just myself in the situation doesn’t mean that’s how everyone does it.  (What a concept, right?  Not everyone’s the same?!  Genius.)  My husband (and I’ve asked him a few times in a rather incredulous tone of voice, obviously expecting a different answer) says that he takes the fantasy and applies it to us, as a couple, in his head.  Completely different than what I do.  So not entirely helpful, I know, but hopefully that helps take a little bit of the sting out of it for you. 

Post # 15
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I remember when I was back in college, and I had to drive my bf’s car for some reason (he later became my son’s father).  I saw a HUGE stack of nasty magazines in the backseat, and I went CRAZY.  I screamed at him, called him nasty names, threatened to end the relationship……I was 21 and he had taken my virginity, so I was still really innocent.  Looking back at those days now, I just have to laugh.  Why was I so outraged?  Why did I think he was “cheating” on me?  I can definitely understand how you’re feeling, but my thoughts have changed about this issue over the years.  For me, as long as it’s not secretive, then I don’t have an issue about it.  If you want to rent a PPV dirty movie, then let’s watch it together.  Show me what turns you on in a magazine, and then we’ll try it out together.  Just don’t hide it because you don’t have to, and always prefer me, lol!  Take care, girl, and remember that he loves YOU always! 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Listen to what your heart is telling you about this. A lot of girls will say that “oh it doesn’t bother me anymore” or “I don’t think it’s cheating,” but for many of them, they have had to convince themselves that is the case. That wasn’t their first, natural reaction when they found out their boyfriend liked to satisfy himself by looking at other women. That’s the culturally-conditioned response, the response American society wants women to have (DEMANDS that women have more like).

In our culture, there is no greater sin than being accused of being a prude. If people honestly think that masterbation is looked on as something “bad” in our society, I think a closer viewing of most sex ed programs, TV and films (ahem. American Pie?) is in order.

There’s a reason pornography feels like a violation. Maybe because to most women it IS a violation. We shouldn’t have to smother that feeling. It’s not wrong or demanding to feel that way. You have the right to be treated with respect, and if this bothers you he should be willing to stop. I’m sure you’ve changed some of your own behavior (not neccesarily sexual behavior) out of respect for him.

The topic ‘Ugh. Porn…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors