(Closed) UGH RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9647 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Um, that was very immature of your Fiance. Hopefully he soon realizes his mistake and is ready to have a grown up discussion.

Post # 4
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

That is really uncool of him! If he does not like it then he can take a latter train because tou need to get to work on time and these people are being inconsiderate!

Post # 5
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Seriously?  Over asking someone for space on the train?

We don’t have a subway here, but I’ve taken the bus on a regular basis and it’s the driver who typically shouts “Everybody to the back please” when the standing-room only becomes crushing in rush hour.  I realize you don’t have a driver in every car on a train, but my point is to illustrate that commuters have an almost cattle-like mentality and have to be reminded to make room sometimes.

How is he with other issues you disagree on?  Is this a typical pattern for him?  Why does he care so much what strangers on the train think?  Does he have some kind of social anxiety?

You’ll have to pick your battles.  I’m not a fan of the way he’s acting, and I would FOR SURE make it an issue if it were to happen in my relationship, but if you feel like smoothing it over just switch to “I’m sorry” ‘Pardon me” “excuse me” “may I squeeze in there?” etc… instead of phrasing it like a reminder/lesson of sorts.

Pretend you’re Canadian if this uber-polite way of speaking seems weird 😉

Post # 6
Member
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

What exactly is embarrassing about you asking people to move in a bit?  I’m sure that’s less embarrassing than losing it and shoving people in to make room… =

Post # 7
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah maybe ask him what he’s embarassed about?  Does he think shoving people is better?  I don’t think you’re in the wrong here.

Post # 10
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

What the f00k?

Post # 11
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@1stRosie:  Well his behaviour makes a little more sense then.

I’m totally with you on the reminder thing, but I guess in this case you’ll have to decide what is more important?  Being efficient on the train, or preserving your FI’s feelings?

Since he seems to have so much anxiety around it, I’d stick to the less-efficient, quieter way of asking for space.  Also, since you’ll never really “educate” a large group of commuters, your efforts may be going to waste anyway.  Is there ever going to be a revolution of “Hey… you know that girl who reminds us that we’re all in this together???  She’s RIGHT!” 

*cue Seth McFarlane-style musical number with everyone shuffling towards the middle of the train in line-dance formation.

Post # 12
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know what to say about your argument, but I lived in NYC for a long time and the fact that people get just past the threshold and STOP, even though they know there are more people behind them, used to make my blood boil.

i know sometimes there would be someone that just called out, matter of factly, “keep moving toward the center of the train”. I guess it wouldn’t be ok no matter what you said, he just doesn’t want you to say anything at all?

ah… New York. 

Post # 13
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

To be fair it drives me mad when people do that. In london, the rush hour is horrendous…nobody has any space. and when someone helpfully asks people to move up and make room, im like “move? where? the only way i could get closer to the man in front of me is if we were actually having sex”

excuse me is fine. but “can you move up please” really annoys me. maybe its different if the trains you are on actually have a little bti of free space- london ones dont

i can also understand the “end of discussion” ibt. hes said his opinion, youve said yours. and since there doesnt seem to be a compromise…hes saying “travel with me quietly, or make lots of noise alone…your choice”. i think its fair enough. theres not much else to do – talk it do death? give in and do what you want?

Post # 14
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@1stRosie:  Awe I’m sorry OP! This is a very frustrating situation and he is essentially dictating when you can communicate with him. This is not healthy and would infuriate me. Its one thing for him to just let you know he needs a few minutes to think about what happened.. but for him to ignore your calls is insensitive and rude. 

Post # 15
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Ok, looks like both parties biffed this one up, your Fiance for getting embarrassed by your train boarding tactic and freaking out about it, and I figure, if it works for you, it works for you, right?  And you, for forcing your Fiance to talk to you when he wasn’t ready, because you already knew he was worked up, so what did you expect?

I don’t agree with his approach to telling you his feelings about this whole train thing, but if he wants to commute alone as a result of it, maybe he can wear headphones during the boarding process, so he doesn’t have to hear it, and you two can still be together.

Now for the fallout, pushing a man to talk when he’s still upset is a bad idea, and depending on how they process uncomfortable or awkward situations, you really could just be making things worse.   I get that you want to resolve things right away, and that’s great, you are equipped to do that, men aren’t always so available for resolution directly after a confrontation…they need time to calm down, process through everything and make an independant decision about the whole thing on their own….especially if an apology is in order on their part, because it’s hard to admit they were wrong.

It’s important to respect how your SO does things too, you don’t like being rushed into things either, and if it were me I would apologize for pushing the issue before he was ready to discuss it. 

The fact is you both love each other, which is great, but it makes it hard when you get sideways with each other, I find that no matter what is happening, cool head prevail…give him some time to figure out what actually happened, and you take some time to realize that you didn’t do anything wrong, when you meet back up, things will look better.

Post # 16
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

What subway do you take to work? I have to take the A and it’s packed every friggin morning, so I feel you.

It’s brutal. 

I thought your rant was going to be about public transportation – you know, the fact that people cut you off and then walk so slowly and you can’t get around them so that you miss the train.. or they’ll walk up the stairs and then STOP at the top.. LIKE WTF.. KEEP MOVING..

Seriously, being a NYer has given me serious commuter-rage.  It’s awful. 

But, your Fiance is being a tool.  Asking people to move into the train is probably the only way to get it done.  Otherwise, you have to shove yourself in there and I would prefer NOT to touch strangers.  Ew. 

I would just stop taking the train with him.  It seems like you would have a less stressful commute in the morning if you grabbed yourself an amNY and politely asked people to move over. 

I get not wanting confrontation and all, but I’m with you on the whole calling people out on their BS.  I don’t care, honestly, if you have a gun or a knife and you want to shoot or stab me for it.  As long as you STFU in the movies and you move in on the train.

This is why I’m leaving NY.  Seriously. Why am I paying so much to deal with THIS in my life???

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