Post # 1
warning: i’m so sorry, but i really need to rant!
so i get an email from my friend’s moh asking which date would be best for a surprise bridal shower (my friend’s wedding isn’t until next october). the two dates she picked would be the two weekends that my boyfriend and i have talked about getting married. i wrote back to her saying that my boyfriend and i were seriously talking about getting married and those two weekends were our top choices, but because we’re not engaged yet, nothing has been set in stone and i would know more by the first week in december which date works for me. well she sends an email last night saying that she picked a date already and it’s the one weekend that i told her that i didn’t want, because more than likely that’s the weekend we’ll pick (we have family that is still in school and it’s more convenient for our families that weekend). the reason i’m so upset is because i want my friend to be a bridesmaid in my wedding and since we aren’t sure if the wedding will be local or near where my parents live (5 hours from here), i don’t know if she can be in my bridal party or even come to the wedding! i’ve been obsessing over this all night and i can’t even say anything to my friend about it because the bridal shower is supposed to be a surprise (and it’s 9 months away!!!!). UGH.
anyone have any advice? i feel so bad because i always dreamed that my friend would be able to be in our wedding and because they disregarded my email saying that i would be getting married then, i just don’t know what to do!
Post # 3
Ok, this friend of Maid/Matron of Honor needs to relax a little bit and um, CARE about her friend here. Think what that would do to the friend who the shower is for- she can’t have her bestie at her suprise shower? And regardless of where your wedding is, she’ll plan on being there but now all of a sudden can’t attend her suprise shower? The stress here is going to be put on your friend.
That is if you stick to your dates. This chick should be able to accomodate- there are millions of other weekends, aren’t there?
Post # 4
Wow- she’s really planning ahead. What kind of bridal shower gets planned 9 months in advance?
Post # 5
@ emmoon – i know i feel so bad for my friend because i know that if we could talk about this she would side with me and would pick another date. she introduced me to my boyfriend 5.5 years ago and she would be so happy that we’re finally getting married! she’s a huge part of both my boyfriend and my lives because she’s known my bf since high school and introduced us in college so it’s so important that she can come to our wedding.
@eeniebeans – i thought the same exact thing when i got that email! i was like, wahhh? her wedding is a year away! i can see planning a shower in april for an october wedding, but almost a year in advance really bothered me. i mean, who really knows what they’ll be doing 9 months from now? i can understand that she’s excited, but it’s really stressing me out!
Post # 6
I would write her back and say that the bridal shower doesn’t need to be planned 9 months in advance, and that the bride might be a bridesmaid in your wedding that weekend, so she’ll need to hold off! Maybe she didn’t know that her friend would be in your wedding, and she thought that your email just meant that you might have to skip it.
Post # 7
Yah- I would respond again letting her know that the date she has chosen really may not work for your friend for all of the reasons you outlined and again confirm for her that you’ll be back in touch by early December. Which is practically – tomorrow.
Post # 8
She seems really unreasonable so I might try talking to the bride. Don’t tell her what weekend you guys are talking about, but tell her your concern about the Maid/Matron of Honor. Ask her if she asked the Maid/Matron of Honor to plan her shower way in advance for any reason and hint that she’s being pushy about setting a date and choosing dates that really don’t work for you. Tell her you really want to help plan and attend her shower, but you aren’t sure how to get through to teh Maid/Matron of Honor that it’s way to early to plan it and she’s not listening to your needs with the scheduling.
Also, before you talk to the bride I might wait it out a little. MOst of the time when people do this – try to plan something this trivial way in advance it ends up falling through. Most people won’t commit to a date that far away for something like a shower, so she’s going to have a hard time getting a good idea of who can make it.
Post # 9
EW! I can’t believe this girl did that! I can understand the idea of planning really really early for a shower if there are many Out of Town people that need to be coordinated because everyone’s schedules are so different that if you don’t plan ahead, nothing will work for everyone. That said, 9 months is kind of a lot. The fact that she disregarded you completely is totally unacceptable. You need to talk to her again and basically tell her that she can’t do it that day. Maybe, if you’re feeling especially feisty, hint that the surprise might be ruined if she continues planning it for that day because you’ll have no choice but to talk to the bride about not being in your wedding. Is it bitchy? Yes. But it will probably get the results you want. This girl started it by disregarding your WEDDING DATE. I think a little threatening is warranted if she doesn’t back down.
Post # 10
I definitely say tell her that she is planning a bit early AND that you are planning to get married that day and the bride will be in your wedding because she is such an important part of your lives. Give her other dates that will work for you. Most people in my city don’t even plan their weddings this far in advance!!
Post # 11
I second what crebre said…plus add that if you got married that weekend but your friend had to choose By The Way a shower and your wedding, she’d choose your wedding (duh). She’d have a bridal shower without a bride! Then who will look foolish?
Post # 12
thanks so much everyone for making me feel better about getting upset over this! i know i’m getting engaged before thanksgiving, so as soon as that happens, we’re going to set a date. we’ve been looking into venues and when we get engaged, we’ll talk about what date is best for everyone. i think once we set the actual date, which will probably be in early december, i’ll email the moh and tell her if it’s conflicting with the shower, like i’m assuming it will.
Post # 13
I guess I’m the minority in the crowd, but I think you’re getting all bent out of shape about something that is still really hypotetical at this point. You said that you have two dates and are leaning to one, but you haven’t made any plans yet — and you’re not engaged yet.
You, yourself, aren’t even sure if your wedding is going to happen then. It could turn out that maybe the venue you want isn’t available then, or you talk to your family and realize that date won’t work for you. Like you said, it’s nine months away! Rather than get worked up or potentially start a feud with your friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor, just relax and give it some time.
Once you have a firm date set for your wedding, write to the Maid/Matron of Honor and let her know that you set the date. Remind her that you told her it could potentially be then in a very gentle way, and then graciously ask that she switch the date for the bridal shower for your friend to another date as you know that she would want to attend since she introduced you guys.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask someone to plan around dates that are not even firm for you yet. There could be reasons why the Maid/Matron of Honor chose that date that you know nothing about. It’s not like anything, even the party the Maid/Matron of Honor is planning, is 100% set in stone at this point, so try not to worry. It will all work out.
Post # 14
i guess it just kind of annoyed me that they didn’t even write back to say, ok well is there a better time or date for you that we can work with. i just got the first email and then the second email saying “ok, i made the arrangements with the local country club for this date!”. i understand that i’m getting bent out of shape for no reason, because in reality either one of the plans can fall through, but i’m just upset that my friend has her whole wedding planned in 1 month (not anything that she is doing, it’s all family and friends) and it’s a year away. i can’t even talk to my friend about how i feel, because i don’t want to ruin the surprise that they had planned for her. i don’t know if that makes any sense why i’m more upset about it than i should be?
Post # 15
iggies – that is kind of inconsiderate! but i agree with most everyone else – if you do have your wedding that day, so be it. it seems REALLLY early for this person to be planning a surprise bridal shower, too. try not to stress about it – i feel like these things always have a way of working themselves out!
Post # 16
i have never heard of anyone planning a bridal shower so far in advance! And i think ur wedding should definitely come before the bridal shower, cause that could happen anytime and maybe several times for one brides, but the wedding is only one day.