(Closed) Ugh.. so upset! I need advice :[

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

All of these comments are spot on. You need to sit down and let him know a timeline, in years, that works for you. Obviously waiting 5-6 years for him to start and finish grad school is not going to work for you… hell, even if you do wait that long, who’s to say that he won’t find another semi-legit reason to postpone like not being able to find a job or needing to save up? And aside from the actual process of waiting, I would question a person who loves you but makes you wait faaaaar longer than they know you are comfortable with. After 5 years of dating, it is just plain disrespectful.

Also, for what it is worth, my SO is in graduate school and I would say about half the people in his program are already married. Unless finances are the real issue, there is no reason he should be talking years in terms of an engagement. Sit him down and ask why it has to be after grad school.

Post # 18
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think that sometimes, guys feel like, “Oh, I can put marriage off for years.  That’s not something I need to think about until I’m good and ready,” and they don’t understand what the hurry is for many women.  From a biological standpoint though, we really just don’t have the same timeline for that kind of thing that they do.  I have no idea what your future plans are, but if you are considering having children, obviously, you have a certain window of time in which to make that happen.  I stayed in a couple of relationships that I knew weren’t working through the entirety of my twenties, and I can tell you that I am definitely feeling a little bit rushed now.  I’m finally with the right guy, but I’ll need to plan the next few years out very carefully to fit in everything I want to do and keep my future family and my career on track.  I think you owe it to yourself to sit down and have a big conversation with him, even though it might seem scary.  Think about where you see yourself in 10 years, when you’re 35, and if you think there’s even a small chance that you’ll regret waiting for him, then you need to make that clear, I think.  Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

You absolutely need to ask him what he was thinking when he said that. Do it soon so that you don’t get bitter. BUT, don’t do it when you’re upset or when he has something urgent going on. Maybe make a nice dinner together, sit down at home, ask how his day was, and when you’re comfortable with each other say “I was very surprised and disappointed by the marriage timeline you gave my parents the other day. Based on our previous conversations, I thought we were looking at a timeline in the next year. I want you to know you can tell me whatever is on your mind.”

IF six years more is too many for you, you should add, very very clearly, “Six more years is too many for me to wait.”

 

 

Post # 20
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My SO has done the same thing : he’ll give me hints and say he wants to get married, and then when our families ask he’s like i don’t know, I have debt, I’m not ready, blablabla… but I know he’s just saying that because he wants it to be a surprise for everyone (at least i hope so). it was confusing at first because i thought he was telling them the truth, and just playing with me , but I know now that he means what he told me.

Hopefully that’s what yours is doing too!

Post # 22
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@LoveBlossom14:  Yep I am in this situation now.

SO does not want to get engaged until he finishes school.  He said this at 27 and I was okay with waiting…now I’m almost 31 and I’m still okay with waiting.

It wasn’t easy–30 was HARD!!  We thought he was going to graduate a year ago, then he would get a job and propose….then he got delayed with his research, his advisor changed schools (to a different state!), and things just haven’t gone our way.

I wasted a year of my life being miserable and wanted to just LEAVE the relationship.

But, that wouldn’t be fair.  SO has worked his whole life to achieve his personal goal, and part of loving him is accepting this as well.  I’m fortunate I suppose-SO does say he wants to marry me and has from day one.  When he kept getting delayed, he kept telling me the timeline was going to be postponed…I went through the 5 stages of grief!

Denial-This can’t be happening to me.  30 and unmarried??!  Are you effing kidding me?!?!

Anger-Fights with SO, guilting him, making him feel like crap because I wasn’t get married on my timeline!  I was a bad person/girlfriend for a while

Bargaining-Maybe if we just get engaged NOW, we can plan for the wedding later?!

Depression-I spent most of 30 laying low and being depressed.  Hated my life.  Did not celebrate my Bday-had friends calling me and asking why they didn’t get an invite to my party/dinner (ummmmm cause I didn’t have one!)

And finally-Acceptance!

I hope that you can find it in you to get to this last stage.  I wasted a year, not kidding a friggin’ YEAR of my life being depressed with what I didn’t have.

It’s like this–DO you love your guy?  Waiting another 3-5 years when you are only 25 is not that big of a deal.

On the flip side….if you do not love your guy enough to wait (and this is totally okay!)…don’t waste time treading water!  Go out and find Mr. Right! 

I know your pain…If you love your SO and can learn to just trust in the fact that your future will be okay and you two will get married, 3-5 years more is not that long to wait.  And it would be better for him to finish school, get the right job, and then be able to ENJOY  your special day and your future.

Good Luck!

Post # 23
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s hard for him, because you might be supporting him financially during grad school, and that doesn’t sit well with some men. And it is an admirable trait, but yes, like other Bees have said, its not fair to you to wait much longer. 

Post # 24
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

so, I think it’s totally possible he’s messing with you because the proposal may be soon. Fiance constantly made comments about the engagement being farther away than it was, infront of other people too. If your SO is anything like my Fiance, i’d think of this as a possibility.

I was a waiting bee for 1 year before he proposed (on our 6th anniversary) so I totally understand how you feel!

Good luck

Post # 24
Member
40 posts
Newbee

It really looks like he is trying to get you off the trail.  Talk to him but it’s more likely he wants to surprise you.

 

Post # 25
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
memo:  This was my initial thought as well, especially since the SO asked about rings and stuff. Maybe OP’s family is in on it and wants to make sure it is a real surprise?

If not, OP I think you need to talk to him, just like what everyone said. He needs to know how you feel about recent developments in his change in thought. My husband and I were in undergrad college when we got engaged. I didn’t want to get married until I graduated, and he agreed. So we were almost engaged for 2 years before getting married. It was difficult planning and being in college and working, but it was fun. You could definitely do it as well as him being in a Master’s program!

Post # 26
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I understand wanting to wait till being done with school but both DH and I are in grad school and work full time. We were married last November and I was 26 and DH was 24.

Honestly, I bet he wants to feel like he can better provide for you/a future family. I know my DH felt like this too and that’s why we are waiting a bit to have kids so we can better be established. The cost of a wedding might also stress him when thinking about paying for grad school and potentially living off one income. I would try to have a more open conversation with him and hopefully you can get more details on his reasoning behind wanting to wait and help him see that you really don’t need to wait all that time. 

Post # 27
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

sorry to hear this is happening to you. I would have been upset that he sprung the news on you in front of your parents. Maybe from his perspective, he wanted to seem more responsible in front of your parents ( if he completes his masters he has more chances of being in a position to financially support a family).

Either way I would talk to him and see why he wants to wait. I love the list of compromises that were already provided. Communication is key though, he can’t guess what you’re doing through. good luck!

 

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