Post # 1
I’m sure this is just pent up anger but we had the dumbest argument this morning and I still dont’ want to talk to him. Last night, I decided to make lunch to bring into work and I ask him, if I make lunch will you bring it in to eat it. Doesn’t seem like I’m actually asking him to do much, right?? Well, he has his usual response – “ugh, I hate having to carry stuff around”. Ok, fine, so I go what if I put it in a disposable container so you can just toss it when you’re done. He says fine.
Fast forward to this morning, he discovers his disposable contrainer is a cookie dough container and he’s like I dont want to eat out of that! Ok, put it in a pyrex then. He goes back to I don’t want to carry it! So I tell him, you said last night it’d be fine in a disposable. Then he goes, I don’t want to have to heat it up! The microwaves are soooo far. (The microwaves that are in the SAME place he’d go to if he had to buy food!!) And he goes, I just dont like carrying extra stuff around, why cant I eat it later. And I tell him, we already have enough left overs for the next 2 days, and it’ll probably go bad. And he continues to complain about carrying a little contrainer of food. So at this point I lose it, throw the food back in the fridge, have a little scream-fest about how he’s such a pain in the ass, that buying food is such a waste case it cost so much more than what it is for me to make a little something for lunch. To which he says its only $6 bucks and its not a waste cause he’s eating it. Fine – but 5 days a week for him to buy lunch is half of what our grocery bill would be to feed us both, breakfast, lunch dinner and snacks for the entire week.
It started calm, but his reasoning is so stupid, there’s no reasoning with ‘I dont want to carry it’. I mean, seriously, how difficult is it to carry a little container of food. Is that really such an inconvience!?!? He doesn’t life a goddamn finger to help me cook, I give him his dinner at his desk everynight cause he’s glued to his computer, I don’t ask him to do the dishes or help do ANY cleaning around the house, and he cant even eat a lunch I already packed him!!!
Please, I need some outside perspective….
Post # 3
I would say that this is a fight with underlaying issues (correct me if I”m wrong). You seem pretty upset that you do all the cooking and cleaning and he doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t sound like you guys eat dinner together either (if he’s glued to his computer when you bring him his food). It sounds to me like you are (rightly!) frustrated with him not helping out around the house AND complaining about it. It seems like the “not wanting to carry it around” fight is your irritation at all the other things coming out. I would sit down with him and have a serious talk. It’s not right for you to be doing all the work and I’m sure it makes you feel resentful at times. Maybe you could take turns cooking and cleaning. You could also let him know that you want to eat together instead of him eating at his computer. Marriage is a team effort and if one of you is doing all the work that will naturally lead to resentment, so it’s best to get it all out in the open and figure out a solution. Communication is key. He should be grateful you make his lunch for him, not complaining about having to carry a tupperware. My Darling Husband doesn’t even get that most days.
Post # 4
No it really isn’t that big of an inconvience. Man, reading this I got mad for you! I would flip out if Fiance or I bought our lunches every day. 6 dollars is a lot! Considering that when you are talking something from home I think the cost runs you 1-3 dollars.
Honestly, he needs to grow up. He is treating you with extreme disrespect. He needs to start eating at the table, and to start doing some housework. Even my friend’s Fiance who is an EMT takes his lunch to work and he is constantly on the go, and helps around their house (and mine!). My Fiance works 12 hour days and still helps me with house work. It is a partnership and it is respect. I do most of the cooking but Fiance takes what I make without complaint. Ohhhh, man, good thing I am not his Fiance…he would be in for a reality check.
I mean, that is the issue. He is treating you with disrespect and you’re upset, AND YOU SHOULD BE.
Post # 5
$6 a day x 5 days a week x 52 weeks in a year = $1560…that isn’t chump change!
AND that’s not counting anytime that more than $6 gets spent.
Tell him to man up and carry a damn container! Argh! I’d be mad too.
Post # 6
Wow, I think @Treasure43: hit the nail on the head…sounds like an underlying issue. I also think you need some help around the house, you can’t be expected to do all of the housework, especially if you are working. And, the money thing is HUGE…you guys are having a wedding soon, any extra money will help.
You guys really need to have a chat. Best of luck!
Post # 7
i totally agree. this would piss me off too–he should appreciate you making his lunch, not make up stupid excuses about not wanting to carry it (which sounds super childish). it comes across like the bigger issue is that he’s taking all the work you do around the house for granted, and that is definitely not okay.
also on the lunches specifically, do you do the budgeting for your household expenses? maybe he doesn’t realize how much it adds up to overall, and maybe if he did he’d be more appreciative?
Post # 8
Sometimes I read about fights on here and I think “OMG, kids, grow up” — but in this case? I’d definitely be ticked off!! Yeah, $6 a day adds up real fast, and let’s face it, it’s not usually just $6, esp for a guy’s appetite! I’m guilty of only bringing my lunch half the time, but I know a lot of guys who just won’t do it. It’s not manly to carry a lunchbox or some silly thing. But they can’t say it doesn’t cost more than bringing it from home and ALSO having groceries go bad.
Post # 9
I def see why you are so angry, I would be too! It seems like this has been going on for a while and you finally had enough of it. I dont see what the big deal is carrying a small container to your car, and then into work!? Its not like hes taking the whole frige with him! Im getting angry just responding back to you!!!
Post # 10
Honestly, I don’t mind doing the housework. I like things a ton more spic and span than he really needs it to be, so I just do a little here and there during commercial break or when I get tired of TV on a lazy day. It doesnt really feel like a chore to me. To give him credit, he does things (or gets around to things) if I ask him to do something – I hate dumping out the little sink strainer (we dont have a garbage disposal) or cleaning the toilets so he’ll do that when I ask. We’ve kind of discussed the housework stuff, and he agreed that if I left a list for him to do on his own time, but my problem is that when I want something done, it’s usually cause it bothers me at that moment and want it done right away, not in a day or two. I know my now now now attidtude needs to relax a little. It’s just when he wont do what I consider such a tiny little thing.
With the cost thing, he really doesn’t think that $5-6 a day is a lot for lunch. And he’ll acknowledge that it cost much more to buy than for what I make, but he thinks its worth it for his conveinice of not having to carry the dish to work.
Post # 11
I think the real issue that needs to be brought to light here is the money aspect (and this really seems to be the real reason behind your fustrations)- forget the other stuff.
My husband and I used to go out to eat for lunch quite a bit, but in an effort to save money, not to mention, eat healthier, we agreeded that we would only go out for lunch once maybe twice a week depending on the situation.
His whole focus on the the container, yours is about how you feel taken advantage of b/c you went out of your way to make his lunch. So, put these feelings aside and talk about money.
Post # 12
Honestly, I would be just as mad as the others, especially if you were making the lunch for him. I definitely agree with the previous posters. He’s wasting money because he’s LAZY, and I’m sorry that offends you, but that’s how I honestly see it. How is wasting money because he doesn’t want to carry a container (get a lunch bag for goodness sakes) not being lazy? I would be so angry.
Post # 13
I would be SO MAD if i was in your position. I agree with other posters that he is just being lazy about carrying around a container.
If the root of the issue is about money management and budgeting, this is actually an important fight, especially since your finances are going to be joined if they haven’t already.
other than this lunch issue, how is your SO about saving money? in our marriage, i actually am the one that is not that good at saving, and before we got married, i preemptively came up with a system where i automatically put 70% of my paycheck in our joint account for household things and for saving so i dont spend it on frivosity.
if he otherwise is good at saving money, then maybe you should consider his lunchtime spending as his optional spending and to make it even, you can put aside 6 dollars a weekday that you can spend on your leisure.
if he is not good at saving, it might be time to come up with a financial plan that both of you can agree with. the reason why i am forcing myself to save preemptively is because i know it is not fair if i was spending all the money i made while my husband is saving his for our future and know it would lead to a bad argument and possibly the dissolution of our marriage.
the one thing that irks me is him eating dinner at his computer every night and not taking part in the housework. that might be okay now if it is just the two of you, but what happens if there are kids in the equation? you might want to eat dinner together as a family AND you may be too exhausted to take care of all the housework in addition to tending to the kids.
for us, we had to come up with definite chores that we always do– i.e. if i cook, he washes the dishes. if we eat a snack when the other one is home or busy, we wash whatever we used to eat with. also, i take the trash out to the trash cans, he takes the trash cans out to the curb. oddly enough, my husband likes to do laundry so he takes control of that while i do all the grocery shopping…
Post # 14
Thanks everyone. I’ve calmed down a bit and sent him a message about this. He responded that he was making and especially big fuss about lunch today because of where he’s working. He’s not working at his usual location where his desk is (though he makes a fuss regardless) and is in lab where he doesn’t have any desk or table space (and isnt even supposed to have food in it, and right outside is the main hallway, so he cant just leave it outside either) so theres no where to put the food except on the floor under some table.
@iheartnerdyboys:naw, he’s really good with savings and doesnt spend much at all. But regardless, I was raised in a way to save like you wouldn’t believe and that’s still in me. From packed lunches, to meals that depend on what’s in the sales for the week, to clearance items clothes shopping only. I mean, I save like no other *everywhere*. He doesn’t buy or spend on anything except the occasional game a few times a year – no ipods, no dvds, no cars stuff, no clothing. I just still see money spend on lunches as unnecssary when it could be done cheaper since we’re not saving nearly as much as we want. Maybe I’m just beyond frugal/cheap?
Post # 15
@pinkshoes: i totally get where you’re coming from. when i grew up, my parents were very careful about spending, and my BIL’s gf is very, very frugal. i think it only becomes a problem if you can’t find middle ground.
if you are in a stable financial situation and you are already managing your money very well, which it really sounds like you are, i think its okay if you give your SO a little wiggle room, especially since he sounds very reasonable. you both work hard, and since he doesnt spend on other things, you can consider his lunchtime budget his “fun money”.
if it’s in your nature or something you want to do, it might transfer over to you– maybe once in a while it will be okay to get the tube of queen helene’s face mask or something that would be a small luxury– i just mentioned that stuff cuz i love it :).
but that really also depends on whether you will resent him for thinking its okay to spend a little every now and then…
Post # 16
This would totally pi$$ me off too. Is he that freaking lazy that he can’t heat something up in the microwave? Does he have bad memories of grade school or something?
It is SO much cheaper to make your own lunches. I make him a dish or two at the beginning of the week and me a dish so we have lunches for the week. Something like chicken enchiladas is so cheap and easy and you can make tons and freeze some.
In my opinion, he has some growing up to do if he can’t heat up and rinse out a ziploc dish.