(Closed) Ugh, talk about stupid fights

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would say that this is a fight with underlaying issues (correct me if I”m wrong). You seem pretty upset that you do all the cooking and cleaning and he doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t sound like you guys eat dinner together either (if he’s glued to his computer when you bring him his food). It sounds to me like you are (rightly!) frustrated with him not helping out around the house AND complaining about it. It seems like the “not wanting to carry it around” fight is your irritation at all the other things coming out. I would sit down with him and have a serious talk. It’s not right for you to be doing all the work and I’m sure it makes you feel resentful at times. Maybe you could take turns cooking and cleaning. You could also let him know that you want to eat together instead of him eating at his computer. Marriage is a team effort and if one of you is doing all the work that will naturally lead to resentment, so it’s best to get it all out in the open and figure out a solution. Communication is key. He should be grateful you make his lunch for him, not complaining about having to carry a tupperware. My Darling Husband doesn’t even get that most days.

Post # 4
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No it really isn’t that big of an inconvience. Man, reading this I got mad for you! I would flip out if Fiance or I bought our lunches every day. 6 dollars is a lot! Considering that when you are talking something from home I think the cost runs you 1-3 dollars. 

Honestly, he needs to grow up. He is treating you with extreme disrespect. He needs to start eating at the table, and to start doing some housework. Even my friend’s Fiance who is an EMT takes his lunch to work and he is constantly on the go, and helps around their house (and mine!). My Fiance works 12 hour days and still helps me with house work. It is a partnership and it is respect. I do most of the cooking but Fiance takes what I make without complaint. Ohhhh, man, good thing I am not his Fiance…he would be in for a reality check.

I mean, that is the issue. He is treating you with disrespect and you’re upset, AND YOU SHOULD BE.

Post # 5
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

$6 a day x 5 days a week x 52 weeks in a year = $1560…that isn’t chump change!

AND that’s not counting anytime that more than $6 gets spent.

Tell him to man up and carry a damn container! Argh! I’d be mad too.

Post # 6
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow, I think @Treasure43: hit the nail on the head…sounds like an underlying issue.  I also think you need some help around the house, you can’t be expected to do all of the housework, especially if you are working.  And, the money thing is HUGE…you guys are having a wedding soon, any extra money will help.

You guys really need to have a chat.  Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Treasure43:

@sceeder:

i totally agree. this would piss me off too–he should appreciate you making his lunch, not make up stupid excuses about not wanting to carry it (which sounds super childish). it comes across like the bigger issue is that he’s taking all the work you do around the house for granted, and that is definitely not okay.

also on the lunches specifically, do you do the budgeting for your household expenses?  maybe he doesn’t realize how much it adds up to overall, and maybe if he did he’d be more appreciative?

Post # 8
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sometimes I read about fights on here and I think “OMG, kids, grow up” — but in this case? I’d definitely be ticked off!! Yeah, $6 a day adds up real fast, and let’s face it, it’s not usually just $6, esp for a guy’s appetite!  I’m guilty of only bringing my lunch half the time, but I know a lot of guys who just won’t do it. It’s not manly to carry a lunchbox or some silly thing. But they can’t say it doesn’t cost more than bringing it from home and ALSO having groceries go bad.

 

Post # 9
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I def see why you are so angry, I would be too! It seems like this has been going on for a while and you finally had enough of it. I dont see what the big deal is carrying a small container to your car, and then into work!? Its not like hes taking the whole frige with him! Im getting angry just responding back to you!!! 

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think the real issue that needs to be brought to light here is the money aspect (and this really seems to be the real reason behind your fustrations)- forget the other stuff.

My husband and I used to go out to eat for lunch quite a bit, but in an effort to save money, not to mention, eat healthier, we agreeded that we would only go out for lunch once maybe twice a week depending on the situation.

His whole focus on the the container, yours is about how you feel taken advantage of b/c you went out of your way to make his lunch. So, put these feelings aside and talk about money.

Post # 12
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Honestly, I would be just as mad as the others, especially if you were making the lunch for him.  I definitely agree with the previous posters.  He’s wasting money because he’s LAZY, and I’m sorry that offends you, but that’s how I honestly see it.  How is wasting money because he doesn’t want to carry a container (get a lunch bag for goodness sakes) not being lazy?  I would be so angry.

Post # 13
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I would be SO MAD if i was in your position. I agree with other posters that he is just being lazy about carrying around a container. 

If the root of the issue is about money management and budgeting, this is actually an important fight, especially since your finances are going to be joined if they haven’t already.

other than this lunch issue, how is your SO about saving money? in our marriage, i actually am the one that is not that good at saving, and before we got married, i preemptively came up with a system where i automatically put 70% of my paycheck in our joint account for household things and for saving so i dont spend it on frivosity.

if he otherwise is good at saving money, then maybe you should consider his lunchtime spending as his optional spending and to make it even, you can put aside 6 dollars a weekday that you can spend on your leisure.

if he is not good at saving, it might be time to come up with a financial plan that both of you can agree with. the reason why i am forcing myself to save preemptively is because i know it is not fair if i was spending all the money i made while my husband is saving his for our future and know it would lead to a bad argument and possibly the dissolution of our marriage.

 

the one thing that irks me is him eating dinner at his computer every night and not taking part in the housework. that might be okay now if it is just the two of you, but what happens if there are kids in the equation? you might want to eat dinner together as a family AND you may be too exhausted to take care of all the housework in addition to tending to the kids. 

for us, we had to come up with definite chores that we always do– i.e. if i cook, he washes the dishes. if we eat a snack when the other one is home or busy, we wash whatever we used to eat with. also, i take the trash out to the trash cans, he takes the trash cans out to the curb. oddly enough, my husband likes to do laundry so he takes control of that while i do all the grocery shopping…

 

Post # 15
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@pinkshoes: i totally get where you’re coming from. when i grew up, my parents were very careful about spending, and my BIL’s gf is very, very frugal. i think it only becomes a problem if you can’t find middle ground. 

if you are in a stable financial situation and you are already managing your money very well, which it really sounds like you are, i think its okay if you give your SO a little wiggle room, especially since he sounds very reasonable. you both work hard, and since he doesnt spend on other things, you can consider his lunchtime budget his “fun money”. 

if it’s in your nature or something you want to do, it might transfer over to you– maybe once in a while it will be okay to get the tube of queen helene’s face mask or something that would be a small luxury– i just mentioned that stuff cuz i love it :).

but that really also depends on whether you will resent him for thinking its okay to spend a little every now and then…

Post # 16
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This would totally pi$$ me off too.  Is he that freaking lazy that he can’t heat something up in the microwave?  Does he have bad memories of grade school or something?

It is SO much cheaper to make your own lunches.  I make him a dish or two at the beginning of the week and me a dish so we have lunches for the week.  Something like chicken enchiladas is so cheap and easy and you can make tons and freeze some. 

In my opinion, he has some growing up to do if he can’t heat up and rinse out a ziploc dish.

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