(Closed) Ugh…. Unexpected Pre-Nup Convo

posted 7 years ago in Military
Post # 77
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you made the right decision. It’s not about being careful, fair, or prudent in this situation. It’s about trust. While I can see where a pre-nup might make sense in some situations (and the refusal to sign one might be a red flag in some situations) I feel like in this case it’s just a sign of lack of trust.

If he had all the wealth, you hadn’t been dating long, and/or you had a lot to gain financially from the marriage and divorce, I think I’d see it more from his point of view. But where your assets are equal and where you are actually losing out financially with the marriage and in a potential divorce, it’s pretty selfish and paranoid of him to insist on a prenup. It would be hard for me not to take his actions as a sign that he cares more about his assets than the marriage.

Can divorces happen to anyone? Sure. Can divorces be way uglier than you could have ever imagined? absolutely. Are prenups a good way to make sure you don’t get totally screwed over in the even of a divorce? Yes. But I think the car insurance analogy doesn’t work for prenups and marriage. I have car insurance because I don’t know what other idiots are doing on the road. If it rains, I can’t count on other drivers to be careful and courteous. But I can trust my fiance. If shit goes down, I trust that we will work together. is it 100% guaranteed? Nope. But how valuable is marriage if you can’t trust your partner enough to take that leap of faith. I wouldn’t share my life with someone I wasn’t willing to take that risk with.

Post # 78
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@smravec:  This doesn’t seem right to me either.  I would also talk to someone and get the exact details of what a pre nup covers because I thought they typically only cover the assets you bring into the marriage.  This is what I heard when I looked into.  My Fiance is in the military and doesn’t have any property or big savings and won’t be getting a military pension since he will be getting out next year so we can travel with my job.  I own a house and have much larger investments started.  When I looked into it a typical pre nub would only cover those things. Once we are together and we move forward it becomes common property.  Now I am sure you could write any pre nub you want but I would get the facts and talk to him about what he wants.  Find out where his fears are coming from and talk them through. Maybe he has seen things happen with the men he works with.  I know for sure my Fiance has and it would be enough to make someone jaded.   I hope it works out!! 

Post # 79
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@smravec:  We have a prorated prenup so depending on how many years we are married the percentage of his inheritance and other accounts I recieve, but our household items get split down the middle. They start small for percentages and jump at certain years but we have a clause that changes them if I have to quit my job, get extremely sick or one of us needs long term care. After 30 years its almost just a 50/50 split and we only did it for financial sense but were also worried about giving up what we have earned on our own and still have after the marriage.

I can see where he is concerned but you also need to be taken care of during all of this. Some divorces are easy and the parties can go through without problems and split it down the  middle others get long and nasty. We got the prenup because it would be flawless if we ever divorced but also is giving us peace of mind. We also prorated life insurance and other items too. If it seems to cut even now with your counter part in the prenup it may be worth more in the future as you can show that you lost X amount of your retirement fund each year by changing jobs for him.

 

Post # 80
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow, I would be seriously pissed off. He’s going to have to decide if it’s worth marrying you?? WTF!! I’d be the one questioning HIM!

I am going to bet that he hasn’t stopped to quantify exactly how much you’d be giving up to be with him and how his tiny military benefits are a fraction of this amount.

Am I missing something here about military benefits? I was under the impression that pensions, pay, etc. are pretty damn low. Why would anyone be “gold digging” with military men?? Especially with all the sacrifices military spouses make! All the scrimping and budgeting just to get by, living in military housing, etc. Doesn’t exactly sound like a life of luxury to me!

 

Post # 81
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

View original reply
@MsW-to-MrsM:  what if one party has a 100K student debt, and the other party has no debt… Do you still think a prenup is a bad idea?

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