(Closed) Ughh…my bridesmaids suck!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well, if you need help or advice then just ask for it!  They might not realize that you do need help.  Plan a girls night where you order pizza, have some drinks, and work on some DIY stuff.  But remember they aren’t required to do anything except show up clean and sober in the proper attire.  So if they can’t help then they can’t help.  I’ll agree that it really really sucks, but unfortunately, you can’t demand that they be interested or help with stuff.

As far as the shower and bach. party go, I’m not sure how to approach that.  They are gifts and I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask for them, but it would be nice to know if you’re having them- especially if other people are asking.  Is there someone else who’s expressed interest in throwing you a shower?  You could ask about a bach. party and say that if they aren’t planning one, that’s ok and you would like to plan a girls’ night before the wedding (but don’t call it a bach. party).

 

Post # 4
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@bohdi1018: The things that you want them to do and/or help with; did you disclose your expectations when asking them to be your MOH/BM? Imho I don’t think any of this should be mandatory. All they need to do is show up at the wedding. On time of course 🙂

To answer your questions: 1) kindly ask them if they have spare time to help with DIY—but be prepared to do it on your own—when the time comes. 2) They may be planning a surprise party so relax. 3) I know you‘ve been laid back about things, which is great. I think you should continue to do so. They may not see your wedding as a priority among other things going on in their lives. Take it easy. Remember, this is your day. You can’t get upset if someone isn’t as gung-ho about it as you. You can only ask for their help—but that’s it.

Post # 5
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

No.

A bridesmaid has one task.  To purchase the dress, show up day of clean and sober at the wedding.

Yes, it sucks that they aren’t more excited for you, but some people just aren’t that into weddings.  They don’t need to help with DIY stuff.  If they offer that’s great, but please don’t ask them to help, or hold it against them that they say no.

It also stinks that they aren’t throwing you pre-wedding parties, but it sounds like they are busy.  A lot of women don’t have these parties because their bridesmaids, family members or friends are either too busy or can’t afford to do so.

If others are asking about shower/bach, then direct them to the bridesmaids first.  If the bridesmaids are not planning on having those parties, and someone else wants to, that’s great.  But you shouldn’t be involved with that other than guest list and registry info.

Post # 6
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs…your bridemaids’ only job is to be there at the wedding, dressed how you asked them to dress, clean and sober.  If they help with other stuff, that’s great…but its not their job.  The DIY stuff is your undertaking, not theirs.  You should plan it enough in advance that you can handle it all yourself without forcing them to help.  If they want to and offer, fantastic.  If not, you can’t get mad at them.  Bridesmaids aren’t servants, they aren’t there to pamper you.  They are there to stand up next to you at the wedding. 

It does suck that they aren’t more proactive in throwing you a shower or bach party, but you really can’t ask them about it.  I think the PPs have good ideas on how to handle this. 

I’m sorry they aren’t offering to help more, but if they buy the dresses, they are technically fulfilling the duties of being a bridesmaid. 

Post # 7
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Today there is an attitude that all BMs have to do is show up on the big day. That wasn’t always the case. In the past, BMs were expected to help with some of the wedding preparations and at least check with the bride to see if she wanted a shower or party.

Post # 8
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KT808:  No, I disagree.  That was always the case until the media and wedding industry made it look like the bridal parties lives revolve around the bride.

Both my Mom and Future Mother-In-Law have heard about my experience on wedding boards and how some women think like that (BP helping the bride etc) and we all talked about unrealistic expectations of maids today. 

Post # 9
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is my third wedding. I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man in at least a dozen weddings since the 1970s. In our region, BMs were expected to help with things like decorating the reception hall, addressing invites, planning the bridal shower, etc. Until WB, I have never heard of anything different. In fact I brought this topic up at a recent party I attended and EVERY woman there expected her BMs to help out.

Post # 10
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow I am actually surprised to see that all these PPs say that BM’s are not supposed to do anything but show up, I am not saying I disagree, I dont really know I have never been in a wedding, but my Maid/Matron of Honor has been my best friend for 19 yers and has been in 2 weddings and my Bridesmaid or Best Man (I only have one) is my Future Sister-In-Law and she has been in about 6 weddigs, and both have made it clear to me all the responsibilities they will take on, I was surpirsed and still feel gulty asking for help. I never ask Future Sister-In-Law for help because this is her last semester of nursing school. BUt Maid/Matron of Honor is doing bachlorte party and bridal shower, and has offered to take my DIY projects home and work on them, but don’t worry I have not allowed her to do that, I guess in our circle of people it is the norm for Bridal Party to take on these responsiblitie, but I definently dont expect it. I just never realized how much these beliefs differ among groups! Interesting! Sorry this post offered no advice!

Post # 11
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it is common to expect your bridesmaids to help out with the wedding and plan your shower/bachelorette. That being said, unfortunately, it seems like everyone has different ideas on what needs to be done. You can’t force your bridesmaids to be involved with your wedding, but you can ask them if they want to help. Hopefully, they will act more interested as your wedding gets closer.

Post # 12
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t know…I go back & forth in my opinions of bridesmaids. On one hand, I feel guilty wanting anything from my bridesmaids other than to show up and look good (especially since many of them are spending money and taking time off work to be there). On the other hand, these are my nearest and dearest, and I know I would do ANYTHING for them, and it’s hurtful when you feel like that’s a one sided opinion.

I was exactly where you were after I got engaged. You only get married once, and I wanted the experience of having a shower in my honor and a bachelorette party. I didn’t even care if it was a “no gifts” shower, I just really felt like I would regret not having one. My mom is happy I am getting married, but not thrilled that I am doing the traditional festivities (I already have a son and am living with my fiance, she is very conservative), so she will not organize anything (in my circle, it’s customary for mom to throw the shower, even though it is often considered “rude” in other circles). I was really bummed. Then, I kept reading on WB how all these women had BMs throwing them showers and planning elaborate bachelorette parties, and my feelings were hurt (I know you can’t compare yourself to others, but it’s human nature. It is what it is). 

I shared this with my fiance, and he pointed out that my BMs aren’t mind readers. Yes, it’s rude to ask for a party thrown in your honor, but these are your CLOSEST friends, surely you can share your feelings with them (in a nice, non bridezilla way). To my surprise, conversations about the shower came up organically, with one of my BMs asking when mine would be. I told her the truth, it was a bummer, but no one was throwing one. To my surprise, she was shocked and offered immediately to throw me one. It just hadn’t occured to her, and she thought I didn’t want one or someone else in my family was throwing it. Right now, she and my other 4 BMs are organizing my shower in April.

Something similar went down for my bachelorette, everyone had just assumed everyone else was throwing it. I was honest when the time came to talk about it, not demanding, but just speaking from the heart. I wanted these parties, I understand that they cost money, etc, and would understand if it can’t happen, but I would like to have one. Again, they’re my closest friends and want to share in my special days, so they were happy to plan that as well.

Anyway, my point is, your BMs aren’t mind readers. Yes, it’s rude to ASK for parties, but, if you can’t tell them how you feel about the situation, then who can you tell? These are the people that are supposed to be there for you no matter what. And, if they can’t oblige, or don’t want to, then you have to be understanding of that. 

And your responsibility, as bride, is to be just as good of a friend to these girls as they are to you. It sounds like you’re already trying to respect them by letting them pick their own clothes (I’m doing this too). Just make sure you keep other things in mind and are sensitive to their limitations. For instance, I offered to be in town for my shower the Saturday before Easter so that all my Out of Town BMs/friends will already be in town visiting family for the holiday- no extra travel. I also suggested we have my bachelorette the Friday before my Sunday wedding. Again, no travel for the OOTers. Finally, I’m trying to make them comfortable during my wedding weekend by paying for as much food/accomodations/activities as possible so that they are not more financially stressed.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t know…I go back & forth in my opinions of bridesmaids. On one hand, I feel guilty wanting anything from my bridesmaids other than to show up and look good (especially since many of them are spending money and taking time off work to be there). On the other hand, these are my nearest and dearest, and I know I would do ANYTHING for them, and it’s hurtful when you feel like that’s a one sided opinion.

I was exactly where you were after I got engaged. You only get married once, and I wanted the experience of having a shower in my honor and a bachelorette party. I didn’t even care if it was a “no gifts” shower, I just really felt like I would regret not having one. My mom is happy I am getting married, but not thrilled that I am doing the traditional festivities (I already have a son and am living with my fiance, she is very conservative), so she will not organize anything (in my circle, it’s customary for mom to throw the shower, even though it is often considered “rude” in other circles). I was really bummed. Then, I kept reading on WB how all these women had BMs throwing them showers and planning elaborate bachelorette parties, and my feelings were hurt (I know you can’t compare yourself to others, but it’s human nature. It is what it is). 

I shared this with my fiance, and he pointed out that my BMs aren’t mind readers. Yes, it’s rude to ask for a party thrown in your honor, but these are your CLOSEST friends, surely you can share your feelings with them (in a nice, non bridezilla way). To my surprise, conversations about the shower came up organically, with one of my BMs asking when mine would be. I told her the truth, it was a bummer, but no one was throwing one. To my surprise, she was shocked and offered immediately to throw me one. It just hadn’t occured to her, and she thought I didn’t want one or someone else in my family was throwing it. Right now, she and my other 4 BMs are organizing my shower in April.

Something similar went down for my bachelorette, everyone had just assumed everyone else was throwing it. I was honest when the time came to talk about it, not demanding, but just speaking from the heart. I wanted these parties, I understand that they cost money, etc, and would understand if it can’t happen, but I would like to have one. Again, they’re my closest friends and want to share in my special days, so they were happy to plan that as well.

Anyway, my point is, your BMs aren’t mind readers. Yes, it’s rude to ASK for parties, but, if you can’t tell them how you feel about the situation, then who can you tell? These are the people that are supposed to be there for you no matter what. And, if they can’t oblige, or don’t want to, then you have to be understanding of that. 

And your responsibility, as bride, is to be just as good of a friend to these girls as they are to you. It sounds like you’re already trying to respect them by letting them pick their own clothes (I’m doing this too). Just make sure you keep other things in mind and are sensitive to their limitations. For instance, I offered to be in town for my shower the Saturday before Easter so that all my Out of Town BMs/friends will already be in town visiting family for the holiday- no extra travel. I also suggested we have my bachelorette the Friday before my Sunday wedding. Again, no travel for the OOTers. Finally, I’m trying to make them comfortable during my wedding weekend by paying for as much food/accomodations/activities as possible so that they are not more financially stressed.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KT808:   It’s also not just WB, the ladies on The Knot will tell you the exact same thing – BMs aren’t required to help plan the wedding or throw parties.  Now granted, most BMs do want to help out and will.  But that doesn’t mean they have to.

 

@les105:  Anyway, my point is, your BMs aren’t mind readers. Yes, it’s rude to ASK for parties, but, if you can’t tell them how you feel about the situation, then who can you tell? These are the people that are supposed to be there for you no matter what. And, if they can’t oblige, or don’t want to, then you have to be understanding of that.


This is also pretty good advice!

Post # 14
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I did the “any black dress” thing with my bridesmaids. Now that we are like 3 months out, I sent an email saying that I was getting really excited and wanted to see their picks. They all sent me shoes, dresses, all kinds of things…and asked what I thought. I loved everything and told them so. Then they asked me if I needed anything…I don’t right now…but I think they were waiting on me to say something!

Post # 15
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

KT perhaps it is a regional thing.  But would you have held it against a bridesmaid who couldn’t make it to the pre-wedding parties, bridesmaid GTGs for dress-hunting, or help plan the wedding? 

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