(Closed) Ugly and miserable

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KittyKatz:  First, you’re not alone. Some days I like how I look, but others I think I’m just irretriveably ugly. It’s more an expression of my other feelings about myself, but that’s hard to remember sometimes.

There are counselors who specialize in what’s plaguing you, and you should talk to one. For Real. You wrote this post, so I’m guessing you have a sense of this already, but I’ll tell you anyway: YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEEL THAT WAY. THERE ARE WAYS OUT OF IT. Wouldn’t it be nice to see in yourself what others see? There are people who can help you do that, and it’s totally worth doing. I have a friend in Boston who specializes in this. Find a counselor – they’re out there, there are so many women suffering the same thing you are, and these people can help you enoy your life more.

Chin up, kiddo. Things are about to get a lot better for you!

Post # 4
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve been there. As the above poster said, if you get a good counselor (I would recommend a woman) they can really help you through this. I resisted for years, but I wish I had gone a lot sooner. You may also benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. I know you can get out of this because I thought I never would and I did. Sure, it comes back sometimes, but mostly I feel good and happy and okay with myself. *hugs*

Post # 5
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Definitely give therapy another try.  Maybe someone different will have a different outlook or approach and it might work better for you this time. 

I went through more of a self-loathing phase, but never to the extent that you suffer, so take my advice with a grain of salt… Try positive affirmations.  Start small.  I’m not saying look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you, I am beautiful, I am worthy” but that would be a nice place to end up.  Start with something like, “I am smart” or “I am lucky” or “I am thankful for____(supportive bf, decent job, etc)”

It might also be helpful to find self-worth in things that don’t relate to your physical appearance- for example, do one good deed each day for someone (like hold a door for a stranger, help an old lady across the street…hahaha, that one is a joke unless you encounter on a regular basis old ladies crossing the street…) or do volunteer work at an animal shelther.  Pet owners and animal volunteers learn the value of truly unconditional love 🙂

Hang in there.  It can get better.  It WILL get better, because you’re beautiful & you’re WORTH IT!!!

Post # 7
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@KittyKatz:  You sound exactly like me 6 years ago. I never attemtped suicide but i had some very scary thoughts about thowing myself off my 19th floor balcony. To the point that I just wouldn’t go out their because I didn’t trust myself. I took me years to get my thoughts and emotions under control. I never went to therapy, but I wish I had because I probably could’ve gotten well a lot sooner.

Changing yourself isn’t the answer. A new face isn’t going to fix lousy self-esteem. I thought a new body would make me happy, but after loosing a ton of weight I was still miserable. Changing the negative thought-process is the only way to feel better. And it’s scary, because you’ve convinced yourself that you are ugly, and that your uglyness is a fact and you feel hopeless because their is nothing you can do about it. I started small. Find ONE thing that you like about yourself. Their HAS to be one thing that you like. Focus on that. When you start to feel ugly and helpless, focus only on that one thing that you like about yourself. DO NOT give in to the helpless feelings. You do have control over your thoughts, you’ve already decided not to attempt suicide again, and by sticking to it, your proving that you can do it. Get yourself a really good therapist that can help guide you. Cognitive behavioral therapy is the technical name for changing a negative thought process into a positive one… see if you can find someome that specializes in it.

Best wishes for you, I know it’s hard but just reaching out shows that you are willing to fight for yourself.


Best of luck to you,

Post # 8
224 posts
Helper bee

did you ever see the TV show called ‘The Swan’? they all had soooo much counselling after that show because it seriously screwed them up. please don’t ever consider extreme surgery or anything similar as a way to make you feel better because you will aways find something to be sad about.

i don’t know if this will help or not, but try searching google and youtube for a girl called Katie Piper from England. she did a TV show called Katie: My Beautiful Face, and another called My Beautiful Friends.

she was involved in an accident and her face was burnt by acid. it was horrific and she has massive facial scarring, but the show is amazing. she’s such an inspiration, and i hope she can help in some way x

Post # 9
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@treacle:  I was so fascinated are horrified by the Swan when it was on. i watched the Katie Piper story on tv a few months ago and I cried. She is so inspiring.

Post # 12
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your post makes my heart hurt. Sadly I’m sure most women know what it’s like to long to be more attractive. But you’re describing an obsession that is totally out of proportion with anything that could be based in reality, so I really hope you’re able to find a therapist who is trained to deal with body dysmorphia and who can help you work through this.

I have some thoughts about beauty and averageness which I’m not sure will be helpful because you know that your thought patterns are not logical, but I’ll try to formulate them anyway. And by the way I don’t say “ugliness” because most of us simply fall within the average range – neither stunningly attractive nor ugly. I honestly never look at someone and think “wow that’s an ugly person” so I will not use that word, and I feel that your use of it is reflective of your mental state and certainly not something objective.

Anyway, some of the most beautiful women in the world have also been the most miserable – used, abused, many failed marriages, etc. Would you like to have Marilyn Monroe’s face? How about her life? (I could substitute any number of women in that example.) Women with very conspicuous beauty attract attention, yes, but a lot of it is not good. I think it’s harder for them to be friends with other women. They don’t know whether they’re loved for who they are or just the way they look. And what happens when they age? Women who were great beauties in their youth sometimes become the most ghoulish as they age due to an inability to accept aging. Joan Collins has said that being beautiful is like being born rich and getting poorer, which I find to be a sad perspective on life. I have also read that the most attractive women are often the most insecure because they know that they are constantly being appraised and sized up by both men and women. Frankly, being average has its advantages!

You might say in response to the above that you don’t need to be a legendary beauty but still want to be more beautiful. And I’m not going to say that if someone gave me a magical pill that would fix some of my perceived physical flaws I wouldn’t swallow it. But, honestly, what would that really change? Would I want a different significant other than the one I have? No. Would my career goals change? No. Maybe I would spend more time gazing at myself in the mirror….but that’s not a very productive pastime. 🙂 Maybe I assume I would feel better about myself, but in reality the way I feel about myself is not contingent on externals.

I’m sure that being beautiful has its pleasures and its thrills. I don’t know what it’s like to walk into a room and charm everyone in it instantly just because of my appearance. I also don’t know what it’s like to sing like an angel, to discover an important scientific breakthrough, to win an Olympic medal or many, many other powerful experiences that some people have known. And I don’t beat myself up because of those things. Like almost everyone else, I am a pretty average person. That doesn’t prevent me from experiencing all the joys (and pain), the beauty, the madness, the everything that life has to offer. There is nothing in this world I can’t do because of my looks other than be a model, and my height would have prevented that anyway!

I hope you don’t mind me throwing these thoughts out there. I don’t do so with the assumption that they’ll make you feel better, although I’d love it if they did. I sincerely hope you find someone who can help you love yourself the way you should. You are so much more valuable than you know.

Post # 13
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have dysmorphia as well, Although Anorexia Nervosa was my diagnosis. As someone who knows what you’re going through, here’s my advice. 

Go to therapy. I know you said you already went, but it took me awhile to find a therapist that I actually clicked with. If you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere with one, look elsewhere. And COMMIT TO IT. It’s easy to let ourselves be consumed with feelings of ugliness and worthlessness, but if you find a good therapist they will teach you coping skills. These skills will only work if you truly COMMIT TO THEM and don’t give up. The first part is to accept that other people have opinions and their opinion may be that you are beautiful. Accept that beauty is relative. You’re thinking “fact based”. 

I got my diagnosis almost 8 years ago, now. I’m eating again and doing ok, but it’s still a battle every day. You’ll likely have issues with this the rest of your life. Not as severe, but it’ll rear it’s ugly head once in awhile. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but unfortunately it’s true. However, you can take control of them somewhat, and with the help of therapy and dedication you’ll start to feel better and better…and BDD will consume your thoughts less and less. 

I believe you can do this! If I can, you can. If you ever need someone to lean on that knows how this goes, let me know. I’m always here. <3 

Post # 14
747 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

hey hunn, don’t think that way….i’m sure you are beautiful…please go to therapy and counseling….do not attempt something that will hurt your loved ones and you will not get anything out of it…i sometimes get moods that are depressive and then my fiance tells me to remember that some have it worst than me, and is true it takes those words for me to rethink and be like yes is true so i think positive and feel better…please go seek some help, aand don’t think that you’re ugly, i’m pretty sure you’re not…take care

Post # 15
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Old Stone House in Brookyn

@Eglantine:  I think that this is a great post. Since you are having trouble convincing yourself that you are attractive, it might be good to think about WHY you want people to think that you are beautiful. I doubt that you are really “ugly”, but even if you were it hasn’t prevented you from finding friends who like you and a boyfriend who loves you and is attracted to you. So what does being “pretty” mean to you?

Post # 16
812 posts
Busy bee

 @KittyKatz:  You are definately not alone – I feel the same way about myself all the time; it gets so bad sometimes I can’t leave the house. I’ve had to stop preparing food before because I couldn’t trust myself with a sharp knife, stop driving because I wanted more than anything to drive into another car and end it all. I have a wonderful SO too and 2 honours degrees but still these thoughts and feelings come. I self harm at times because it’s a release and it dulls the pain.

I know I can’t know how you feel but I can relate and I’d be more than willing to chat through the Bee email system if you ever want to talk to someone (sometimes it’s easier when it’s a stranger) 🙂

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