(Closed) Uh oh, our first "debate" about marriage

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2870 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Ooo I would of went crazy on my Fi. Nice of him to give me that option, but he totally doesn’t get to decide! I would have told him that HE could stay home instead!

Post # 3
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

This is something that you two should discuss, not something that he states as fact to your family.

In the end, his thoughts may be how you two proceed, but again, this is a conversation that you two need to discuss, weigh the pros and cons and possibly come back and revisit once the hypothetical little one is here.  Hell you two may decide that HE is the one that needs to stay home because of the income you make vs what he makes.

The only good thing, is that at least you know his thoughts about this now, rather then when you are already pregnant.  So you know to add that to the list of “what we need to talk about before I get pregnant.”

Post # 4
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
goodriddance88:  TBH, I wish I had the option of staying at home with a child. The fact that I would have to continue to work and general expense of a child is mostly the reason we don’t have one. No time, no money, no baby! I understand that’s not for everyone and some people are just better at doing the whole baby/work/real life thing. But I think if you financially have the option to be a stay at home Mom, that’s pretty cool too. 

Post # 5
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Yes, child care is expensive. However, when you’re out of work for several years, it affects your long term earning potential. You’ll miss out on yearly raises, promotions, etc. Nothing wrong with being a Stay-At-Home Mom, but the child care expense reason doesn’t make sense in the long run. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  lucky10. Reason: Spelling error
Post # 6
Hostess
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Wow. Even though “his” decision has come from a good place, it is a joint decision. I would have been pissed off too, even if he had just assumed that without telling my whole bloody family.

 

Like you said, when the time comes you may want all of that but it is a decision you make together. I would be pissed off and then even more pissed off he found it funny.

 

Post # 7
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Daaaaammmnnn. I would have been astonished (and furious) too. That’s not something that he gets to just decide for you, anymore than you get to decide that for him!

I’d also point out to him that he needs to take into account lifetime earnings if money is the issue. Maybe it makes short term sense for the person with the lower paying job to stay home, but you lose much more money over the course of your career by withdrawing from the labor force for years than you do from paying for child care. Not to mention that if you get satisfaction, identity, and/or community from your work, being forced to give that up can be a trigger for serious depression and resentment.

Post # 8
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

You should tell his family that he will be a stay at home dad and then laugh at him if he gets mad about it.

Post # 9
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

What I read from that is that HE doesn’t want to be “stressed getting up, taking care of the child, getting ready, going to work, rushing to pick up the kid, rushing home, etc.” 
Who the hell said that it was going to be your job only?! Even if you stay home with baby, he should be stepping up for some of those tasks… excuse me?!

Post # 11
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017 - 1800s era Church

This is definitely something you would want to have a full on discussion about prior to trying to get pregnant. Since it is a ways off. 

Personal experiance: My ex-husband and I did not have that conversation, as we always seemed to be on the same page about most things. Well, when the time came, and I was due in two months, I was told I was going to be a stay at home mom. I was floored. I was a wreck. I didn’t want to give up my career. But, I did it, to be “a good mom and wife.” I ended up being very resentful and angry and depressed. That all day long I was home, and while I had my little man, I was very lonely. I missed my co-workers, and just my general sense of who I was. It ate away at me, and eventually at our marriage. Granted, it was his form of controling every aspect of my life, and I don’t think that is what yours is doing, it is a conversation that needs to be had. 

Fiance now and I have talked about it. He understands where I am coming from, and that I will not be a stay at home mom, nor does he want me to be. His words “If you want to be, great, we’ll make it work, if you don’t want to be, great, continued income and better vacations.” LOL I love that man. And that entire first experiance could have been avoided had I had that conversation before hand. Not that I wouldn’t have had my son, but I would have made darn sure he knew I wasn’t going to stay at home.

Post # 12
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

View original reply
goodriddance88:  yikes, I would DEFINITELY get on the same page about that before you get married. That’s one of those things that can ruin a marriage no matter how much you love each other. 

Also, man he needs to realize how disrespectful it is to go around telling things to your family as though they are facts, when you haven’t even really discussed them or come to an agreement. Not cool homeboy. 

Post # 13
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

He should never have done that. Thats truly disgusting of him and he has zero right to dictate YOUR future. What concerns me is how he referred to “you” during the subsequent child rearing discussion and didn’t refer to himself. It seems like he’s expecting you to do all the child care and act as if his life has never changed. I think you need to have a very serious and frank discussion about that and also tell him that you don’t plan to give up working once a child arrives. Plenty of parents work and the child doesn’t suffer and he needs to understand this. x

Post # 15
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Why does it have to be you doing all those things?

Can he not get the theorhetical kid ready for daycare/pick them up? 😉

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