(Closed) Uhhhh, how do I handle this?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you didn’t get an invitation because the “+1” is usually when your guest is in a relationship but not married so you typically can just say “and guest”. Maybe by not attending her bridal shower, she thought you didn’t consider yourself as a friend of hers so maybe she didn’t feel it was appropriate to address your name on the invite.

I think you should attend her other shower since you couldn’t make it to the first one though.

Post # 4
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m confused. Did she invite you verbally and then send written invitations?  If that’s the case, maybe she gave it to your boyfriend because he’s a closer friend and figured that he would bring you.

And unless you live with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, then your name wouldn’t be on the invite.  But, it’s a little strange that you didn’t get your own.  Still though, there is an explanation-she might have assumed you didn’t need your own invite. 

You can decide to take offense and not go (which seems a little extreme, given that you don’t know her that well).  Or just don’t let it get to you, go with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and have fun.

Post # 5
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I don’t think it was tacky nor following proper etiquette.  Putting + guest gives your boyfriend the option of bringing anyone he wants.  If they had listed just you, he could only bring you.  So it’s not really a slight and she might’ve just been trying to make it easier on herself.  But if you aren’t really close to this particular girl outside of the group I don’t think I’d attend the lingerie shower anyways.  Tacky would be to invite you to the showers and not the wedding.  Proper etiquette is to call him before the invites go out and find out who he would like to bring and put their name on the invite.

Post # 6
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You are probably invited to the showers because she wants to get to know you better, but you are not under obligation to give a gift if you don’t know the person well. As for the invite, I think most likely you are not listed by name since you are a gf.

Post # 8
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that’s a little weird that she invited you to the pre-wedding events but then didn’t put your name on the invitations, regardless of if you live with Boyfriend or Best Friend.

I put SOs names on my invitations even if they don’t live together.  My guest list is on the small side so most of them would feel comfortable asking me if SO couldn’t make it but they wanted to bring someone else.

Post # 9
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I think it was prob. just easier to send the invite to him and guest.

Post # 10
Member
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont know about etiquette, but I think your name should have been on there with your bf’s, espeically since she knows you AND invited you to the showers.  When I invited people that had bf/gfs, even if they were just dating, and did not live together, and I have never met them, I put their name on it to acknowledge them as more than ‘guest’.

Post # 11
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@helpthisbee:Oh, it was the wedding invite that didn’t have your name on it.  Okay, well again, if she doesn’t know you that well and you don’t live with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, then it really wasn’t a huge slight. She knows you guys are together and you will be his date.

Yes, she knows who you are and should have sent you a separate invite.  But maybe she was saving money on postage.  Maybe she didn’t know she was offending you. Who knows? Give her a pass this time.  And if you don’t want to go to the shower, don’t.  No worries there either since you’ve already gone to one.

Post # 13
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it’s tacky. She should have put your name on his invitation.

Post # 14
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

In answer to your first question (“is she being completely tacky?”) which I am reinterpreting as “has she violated proper good manners,” yes, she has. But she probably DOES think that she is following proper etiquette, because brides often get the (incorrect) advice that “etiquette says” they should address the invitation to the person they know better and use “and guest” to give that person a choice of whom to bring.

So, lest the mistake be perpetuated, what etiquette ACTUALLY says is:

  1. There are no second-class guests; there are no “guests-of-guests”; they are all YOUR guests and no-one else’s, and you are responsible to welcome them for their own sake. If you can’t do that, or at least pretend to do that, do not invite them.
  2. Every guest should be sent an invitation in his or her own name, to the address where he or she actually resides. If some poor soul is actually named “Guest”, then he is the only person who should be referred to as “and Guest”, and even then it should be “Mr Guest”.
  3. You should only invite people you know, because you are acting as a guarantor of their good character by introducing them to all your other guests. At a minimum you should arrange to meet them, or at least to receive a letter of introduction and exchange social correspondence — both of which should give you a chance to learn their name and address.

Now, there are no etiquette police, and anyone who chooses to ignore the dictates of formal protocol because of its archaism or burdensome expectations or whatever reason, can certainly do so. Sometimes there will be no repercussions to ignoring it. Sometimes the repercussion will be that it belittles a nice person that you would like to know better, who might otherwise give you a nice gift off your registry.

Now, since there is a more-than-even chance that this girl did not know what the correct etiquette was (hands up, folks, how many of you would really go the extra mile to find out the names and addresses of all your friends potential “and-guests”?) you should probably — guardedly — give her the benefit of the doubt. By which I mean, let your boyfriend go to the wedding alone since you weren’t invited by name, but suggest to him that he might like to reimburse you for the gift you bought and send it in his name. That’s just a matter of having enough self-respect to refuse to be somebody else’s nameless accessory. Skip the lingerie shower since you aren’t intimate enough to be addressed by name (I don’t show my undies to people I don’t know by name, so I think you can assume that the bride wouldn’t either and your invitation was a mistake). And then hold no grudges but be open to future chances to build a friendship with this girl should one actually evolve.

Post # 15
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think she did anything wrong here.

Your bf got a plus one… that’s you. Are you mad becasue she didn’t write Boyfriend & Helpthisbee?

Perhaps she only wrote out the names of partners who are married. I really don’t think anyone did anything wrong. And it’s REALLY silly you’re thinking about returning the gift because of this.

Post # 16
Member
4583 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think it’s a huge deal that she didn’t invite you by name. It sounds like she’s known your boyfriend longer, so she addressed it to him, knowing that he would bring you as his plus one. Do you live with your boyfriend? If not, I don’t think you should necessarily expect to be invited by name. Just my two cents!

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