- 8 years ago
Well ladies, I think it’s time to give an ultimatum or at least to have talks that are headed that way. I would rather not put a date or an expiration date on it but all of our talks thus far end with a vague “soon” or “eventually” and I am getting very frustrated with the entire thing. I don’t think it’s coming at all.
We have been dating for 3.5 years, we weren’t that serious the first year and then he moved for work for the second year. I really missed him and I ended up moving to be with him 15 months ago. We had discussed marriage and living together. I was against living together before being engaged or married, as I have lived with someone before, but he wanted to live together as he is divorced and did not live with her prior to their marriage.
So, I have moved out of state to be with him. He told me that I need not worry about money, as he does very well and he wanted me to find a job that I loved. I found a job that I really like, and I am actually paid pretty well for it. I only include this tidbit because as I go over past conversations I am trying to determine if I had read more into things because I really want to be married. But, I think that if a man tells you that he needs to live together as a step toward marriage, and he tells you that you don’t need to worry about money, that that is a further indication that he intends on marrying you, right??
I feel deceived. I feel like he just wanted me to move here because he was lonely and bored, and now he essentially has a “wife”, someone who takes care of the dogs, cooks and cleans for him, picks up his prescriptions and helps out with the bills. He gets a pretty sidekick to take to parties and to hang out with all the time and has made ZERO commitment to me, other than a shared lease.
I get it now, he has already had the huge 700 guest $100K+ wedding and doesn’t feel the need to do it again. He pulled a bait and switch on me. I do believe that he loves me, but after his nasty divorce I don’t think that he has any intentions of marriage ever again. He hasn’t even BEGUN TO LOOK AT RINGS. And, I am sure that he knows (from experience) that an engagement ring isn’t just something that you pick up on a whim on the way home from work. It is a months long process. So, if he hasn’t even started looking, it probably isn’t even going to happen within the year. The timing that I expected when I moved here last April was that we would be engaged by the end of 2012 and would be getting married this summer or fall. We aren’t even close.
He recently started his own company and has been working insane work weeks. He worked all weekend, and I don’t remember the last time he was home before 9. Last night he didn’t get home until 2 AM. I feel like one of those women who helps put a guy through medical school and then he dumps her for someone younger after he graduates. Seriously, WTF am I doing here? I have very few friends here, and I don’t really like any of them. I have no one to talk to, it would be better if I knew that these sacrifices were for the benefit of “US” as a couple.
If anyone has any advice on how to handle this and on how to talk about it like an adult. I have a tough time when we start talking about it and he has excuses, and I start bringing up his ex which I know is childish and defeats the purpose. If he says he doesn’t have money for the ring I’ll say “OH well you were just so swept up in your feelings of love towards Coco (not her real name) that you had to borrow money from your mom to buy her a ring. He also bought a BMW a month ago and a watch three months ago that was several thousand dollars, so while he uses money as an issue, I feel that if I were a priority he would put the ring ahead of non necessary luxury purchases for himself.
I know exactly what I’ve gotten myself into and all of those old sayings are going through my head “shit or get off the pot” “why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free” “don’t live with a guy until you get the ring”, etc. I do love him but I can’t keep living like this with no plans for the future. I am 32 and he is 34 and I want to have a wedding, a cute house and kids and I do not have five more years to sit around and wait for his business to take off and for him to have everything in his professional life figured out before he can marry me.
So I feel that I have to give an ultimatum at this point – do it by X or I’m out. That, or tell him that I am moving out and that we can casually still see each other but that I will start seeing other men. I’m still holding out hope that it will happen with him, but realistically I don’t think that it is going to in any kind of time frame that is reasonable for me.