Ultimatum from brother re attending wedding

posted 5 days ago in Wedding Related
Post # 2
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

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@lalai1:  Your brother and his wife are setting a reasonable boundary. Now you need to decide if you want your brother at your wedding or a sexual predator.

Post # 3
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee

This was hard to read. What sort of messages did he send? What does it mean he sent them “when he was full of it”? 

But if he is as pp says a sexual predator or highly inappropriate, I would absolutely not want him at my wedding, especially if it includes EXCLUDING the victim (SIL)! And as the sibling of someone allowing/choosing that person to attend an event I would be incredibly upset. I think more info is needed to determine that. 

Also wtf does this mean: me and my H2B has took alone of them for allowing them to book and room and get kilt fitting

Post # 4
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I have to agree with the PP. There are reasonable boundaries someone should not cross, and your Dh’s brother crossed that line. Forgiveness can occur without forgetting, and without allowing ill-considered interaction in the future. I would consider them being forced to interact, even minimally, at a place celebrating relationships and having food and alcohol to be ill-considered (at best). 

There are some scenarios where you DO need to choose a side. So do you side with the creeper/sexual harasser, or do you side with the victim and your own family? The answer would be simple for me, but clearly you see it differently.

Post # 5
Member
6161 posts
Bee Keeper

I think I have the minority opinion on this scenario.

I’m hoping I understand this. Your brother and his wife won’t attend your wedding if your brother in law is there because your brother in law sent your sister in law some “inappropriate messages”? 

I dont like it when people refuse to attend something because someone they dislike is going to be there. It’s both petulant and threatening. While  I am aware that your brother and sister in law are entitled to set a boundary, I believe that someone else’s wedding is an inappropriate venue for doing so. “Inappropriate messages” is a rather vague accusation without additional details I’m not ready to call your brother in law a sexual predator. It does make me wonder what response the messages generated. 

In short, your only choice is to tell your brother that you will be sad to see him not attend. It’s uncool of him to involve you in his dislike of someone else at your own wedding. No one is going to make them interact with the despised brother in law. But your brother is going to do what he’s going to do and you will just have to accept it. And plenty of women get married without having someone “give them away”.

Post # 7
Member
9416 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@lalai1:  being drunk doesn’t excuse inappropriate behavior. In SIL’s shoes I wouldn’t attend your wedding knowing he was going to be there either. And she’s got herself a fantastic husband that he supports her even if it means missing his sister’s wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

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@lalai1:  Your clarification makes your fiance’s brother sound worse. Being drunk is not an excuse. Someone who is 20, especially someone who is supposedly mature enough to have a partner, is old enough to know not to sexually harass someone. Rather than admit his mistake and express contrition he chose to blame his friends. You are judged by the company you keep. You should consider this if you choose to invite him.

Post # 12
Member
3140 posts
Sugar bee

From the details provided, if the BIL (who sent the sexually harassing messages.. or his “friend” sent them from his account) wanted to make amends & demonstrate remorse, I think a good first step would for him to maturely demonstrate remorse/acknowledgement of his behavior by opting out of your wedding for the comfort of any guests or members of the wedding party he may have sexually harassed.  

I also am willing to bet that your SIL is not the only person he’s done this to. I think the chances of there being other guests who have experienced inappropriate behavior or sexual harassment from your future husband’s brother is quite high.  

  • This reply was modified 5 days, 2 hours ago by misslucy.
Post # 13
Member
10813 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@lalai1:  

Your first post was , to me very confused/ confusing but l think l see it now. If the inappropriate advances were of the ‘ l really fancy you , would you consider a fling’ type when they were both 20 ish it seems to me a lesser offence than if they were in any way threatening or harassing or obscene . It’s academic though, because your SIL and husband have made their choice. 

And now you have to decide who to support. 

Post # 14
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

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@elderberry:  I think we need further clarification from the OP. If the messages were of the nature you describe, then I need to agree with sunburn. If they were otherwise, then I stand by my original comments. OP’s post is very difficult to follow, and I am confused by why the word “would” seems impossible to use, but that’s beside the point, I guess.

Post # 15
Member
4452 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess I disagree with the idea that it’s up to anyone else to decide how offended she’s allowed to be. She feels they were offensive enough that she’s uncomfortable being around him: who are we to decide if her feelings are OK?

Op, the person to blame is your fbil, and while I get it’s a hard situation, it’s his fault alone that you’re in it. 

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